Or, why do conservative men feel such a burning need to tell the world who they would prefer to fuck?

Oh sorry, did I curse?   It’s because I just read this tweet and it irritated me

I’m such a bitch sometimes.  Because that guy is nice!  He is really and truly nice.  I like following him, I like reading what he has to say, and he’s far too nice to deserve some creeptastic Internet rando like me screenshotting his tweet and using it in a thinkpiece.  I would actually love to blank out his name that’s how nice of a guy he is, but I don’t know how to do that.  Fucking technology.  😦 Anyhoo this is something that’s been much on my mind of late and it so perfectly encapsulates a particular mindset being espoused by a large number of conservative men that I just had to use it (and please forgive me, my dude, it’s for the greater good I promise).

Because there is this whole thing lately where conservative men feel the need to share with the world what they find attractive.  I have seen conservative men repeatedly declaring to the world – uninvited and unsolicited – who they would fuck and who they wouldn’t.  No pottymouths, as we’ve already established, and then there was this:

and this

Now, as you may know already Jesse Kelly has a surprising amount of influence on Twitter (I was off Twitter for a year, during which time he went from being a seemingly normal guy I actually joked around with a couple times to some kind of Twitter superstar, which is entirely bizarre) and while his schtick – sort of a funny sexist Neanderthal – is meant as humor and often is quite funny at times, I think it resonates with a lot of conservative guys a little TOO much.  Women – especially conservative women – are meant to be demure, modest, classy, highly accomplished, well dressed (sexy but not too sexy), heels only, no flat shoes, perfectly groomed (and this means BELOW the equator, you know what I’m talking about) moisturized, manicured, and thin.  But they need to do all those things while simultaneously being frugal, sensible, a demon in the sack, and eschewing plastic surgery as well because that is not natural.  BTW could you make us a sammich while you’re at it?  And don’t talk during the sportsball match or you’ll be told to shut up, woman.

Well, that is one hell of a narrow window we’re supposed to hit, now isn’t it, ladies?  It is as if these guys took the absolute worst elements of the liberal media’s overly narrow beauty standards and coupled it with some sort of Hollywood fantasy about the way women acted and behaved during the 40’s and 50’s when in reality they probably did nothing of the sort.  It’s like a fair number of conservative men have totally dropped the idea of honoring and respecting all women regardless of their appearance.  Instead they seem hell-bent on enforcing the impossible-to-achieve and highly sexist beauty standards that liberals have inflicted on women while coupling it with a desire to maintain control over women in an outmoded way that really was in many ways oppressive for women.

(helpful hint: the liberals were right about some stuff)

Something very cruel I’ve witnessed on several different occasions involves the childish shaming of overweight liberal women, usually activists who’ve chosen to appear in the nude publicly for some reason.  Now, would I choose to do that personally, no (never say never, but it would have to be one hell of a point I was making).  Do I choose to look at those type of things voluntarily?  No.  But a lot of conservative men seem to delight in posting these graphic pictures for their conservative buddybois to mock and ridicule, quickly devolving into a race to the bottom with every poster trying to outrude the rest.  It’s disgusting by any metric, but these conservative men are behaving this way in full view of conservative women some of whom also happen to be overweight, or who may become overweight at some point in the future.  How do you suppose that makes them feel?  These are your sisters, wives, daughters; these are your friends, neighbors, coworkers.  These are your comrades in the good fight!  How DARE you go out of your way to declare it to the world, in front of their very faces, that overweight women make ur peepees sad.

NO ONE CARES WHO YOU’VE DEEMED FUCKABLE.

I got into it not long ago with some conservative male friends over an issue of Cosmopolitan that had Tess Gallagher on it.

Their whole argument hinged on the fact that Tess Gallagher shouldn’t be on the cover of Cosmo because they didn’t find her attractive.  But where is it written that people on magazine covers have to be attractive??  You know how many people on magazine covers I don’t find attractive?  A lot.  I’ve seen Bradley Cooper on tons of magazine covers and I find his beady sunken eyes, too-narrow lips, weird square peppermint Chiclet teeth, and hatchet-sharp features very unattractive.  George Clooney physically repulses me and I see his smug sallow jowly round head everywhere.  People are on magazine covers for all sorts of reasons other than attractiveness.  This “law of magazine-cover attractive” only seems to apply to women.  You can see Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan on magazine covers.  You can see Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera on magazine covers.  You can see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on magazine covers for cripes’ sake.  Attractiveness is not a prerequisite for being on a magazine cover!  Tess Gallagher, a famous model, has every right to be on a magazine cover regardless of whether or not any given person finds her attractive.

This goes back to the argument about cursing women we started out with.  A lot of men (and it’s not just conservative men, let’s be clear about that) go through life with the unspoken but firmly held conviction that women’s life choices ought to be governed to great extent by what dudes find attractive.  Women’s behavior and appearance should be subject to society’s, and particularly men’s rules of attractiveness at any given point in time, despite the fact that “attractiveness” especially when it comes to women, especially especially when it comes to women in this shallow modern world in which we dwell, is a capricious and cruel master, largely dependent on the winning of a genetic lottery, and carefully calculated to sell shit to people.

And punishing real live women for lies that global multi-national corporations told you, my dudes, is stone cold bullshittery.

One of the most fundamental parts of my personal conservatism is the idea that all human life has intrinsic value and worth.  Babies in the womb have intrinsic value and worth.  Handicapped children have intrinsic value and worth.   People who are terminally ill have intrinsic value and worth.  And yes, believe it or not, women who are less attractive than other women also have intrinsic value and worth.

You know why I’m pissed at you, Jesse Kelly, and all your ilk?  It’s not because you don’t think I’m attractive.  It’s because YOU’RE NOT ACTING LIKE CONSERVATIVES.  It is no fucking wonder liberals roll their eyes about conservatives being “pro-life” when they see you act like porcine hooligans towards your fellow human beings because they have more junk in the trunk than you personally happen to prefer.  You’re betraying the most fundamental precept of conservatism – the right to life – so you can remind the world that sometimes you have boners.

NO ONE CARES.

One of my things is that I have hairy armpits.  (If you look close you can see it in my avatar.)  I started this little experiment for my husband because he was into it.  That’s a mondo conservative dealio – a wife doing something for her husband because he’s into it, right??  Then it turned out once I tried it, I actually preferred it.  I have sensitive skin and the ability to go through my day without my armpits being in constant pain was a revelation (and I am not exaggerating about that, either – imagine a raging and non-stop case of the worst razor burn you ever got, in your pits 24-7).  I didn’t even know how much it bothered me until it wasn’t bothering me any more.  Because I’m a conservative I believe in personal freedom and the ability to make one’s own choices as long as they don’t hurt anyone else, and I PROMISE no one is hurt by the presence or absence of hair in my pits.  My right to swing my armpit hair ends at the other guy’s face, not his line of sight.

Body hair or lack thereof is not a political issue, it’e a personal choice.  Body hair is NOT a liberal-conservative issue!  It really isn’t, I promise.

There’s a model named Sofia Hadjipanteli who has really super hairy eyebrows that she doesn’t pluck.  I think this is pretty freaking clever of her; after all there gotta be a kajillion girls trying to make it in the Instagram game, why not capitalize on something that makes you stand out?

Personally I think she’s stunningly gorgeous.  I mean really, is this type of eyebrow any better?

A few weeks ago the Jesse Kelly Branch of the He-Men Women Haters Society got hold of a news story about Sofia Hadjipanteli and started ragging on her ruthlessly because, you guessed it, they don’t find her attractive.  And it’s SO STUPID because this chick is a conservative icon, or she should be in a better world.  She took a look around her, sized up the competition, thought “what do I have that no one else does”, saw a spectacular set of eyebrows and thought “I’m gonna roll with what God has given me.”  Sofia Hadjipanteli is pretty much a walking breathing ideal of free market success and yet a good chunk of conservative men felt fully entitled to scream at the sky “DO NOT WANT” on behalf of their penises when they should have been fighting for the honor of this lovely and damn clever young woman.

Remember that whole thing where conservatives are gentlemen, gentlemen??  Remember how unfair it is when liberals act like conservative men are a bunch of depraved hooting frat boys because as we all know conservative men take care of women, they protect and elevate them, they put them on pedestals, they don’t objectify and treat women like disposable sex objects like liberal guys do.

Except for the women who don’t fit this incredibly narrow definition of the word “attractive” that was mostly invented by the Hollywood whose shallow, hollow, debauched values we purport to hate, right?  Then it’s game on I guess.

In the interest of full disclosure let it be known I rock a pretty substantial set of brows myself and I always resisted the temptation to pluck them even when my friends would sweetly tell me “but maybe just clean them up a little around the edges why don’t you” because I think they’re kind of my best feature.  (There’s actually quite a lot more brow there in the middle that wasn’t picked up by the camera.) I also have a cold sore in this pic, I was way overdue for a tooth whitening treatment, I was not wearing heels, and I have a messy house.  Not the ideal woman according to the Jesse Kelly Gang to be sure.

And none of it matters because in the words of Amy Schumer, “I can catch a dick whenever I want.”  It’s true.  Despite being old, heavily-eyebrowed AND armpit-behaired, and fat (my girth hidden strategically behind a Poultry Farm sign) if my husband keeled over dead tomorrow God forbid, after a suitable mourning period I don’t think I’d lack for companionship.  Because that’s the way it’s supposed to work, dudes.  Men are not supposed to be going through the world all choosy like choosy moms choosing Jif or something.  Men are supposed to navigate the world of women like Terminator, lurching along till the words “Presence of Vagina Confirmed” flash red on the screen and then going in to chat up the lady attached to the vagina in question to see if they hit it off.

All this shit that is supposedly supposed to be soooo important to being “feminine” in the way that many conservative men are very publicly defining it lately – wearing heels (I never wear heels, another personal choice that hurts no one, least of all Jesse Kelly, and has zero to do with politics and a lot more to do with not caring to be in pain constantly), being super fit and waif thin, having a great manicure, always wearing makeup, rubbing ourselves with thousands of dollars of goo trying to stave off the ravages of aging ever so slightly, not wearing eyeglasses (that is the fucking weirdest, Jesse Kelly) and manipulating their body hair – even the stuff no one ever sees – in highly painful ways like YANKING IT OUT BY THE ROOTS BY HAVING A STRANGER SMEAR HOT WAX ON YOUR PRIVATE PARTS FFS – that is not normal.  No women ever in human history have had to do all this stuff that gals nowadays are supposed to HAVE to do to be seen as a “real” woman.

Some beautification is normal and fun.  We like it, gents, and we like doing it for you.  We like you to take a nice long look and we like for you to like what you see.  But you’ve set us up to fail by asking too much.  What is being demanded of women in terms of beauty – even just to be considered barely adequate – here in 2019 is completely excessive.  At least liberal men kind of pretend to see through it all.  Conservative men on the other hand, many of them, have decided to view it as a moral failing if a woman declines to chase the beauty dragon to the nth degree.  A healthy chunk of conservative men have apparently decided they’re entitled to rest their glorious manly eyeballs upon nobody but the prettiest of pretty pretty princesses even if the princesses are in constant pain, starvingly hungry, and miserably wasting millions of dollars on beauty products.  It’s not normal!  This stuff is NOT organic.  It’s not innate.  It’s totally coming from external influences – Hollywood, the media – and conservatives, we don’t even LIKE those guys!!  Why are you buying into this shit that they’re selling hook, line, and sinker?

It’s stupid and more than that, it’s beneath you.  You’re better than that.

So if you see a girl online and you think she’s repulsive and she makes your peenie shrivel up into a fetal position and sob, I’m sorry you had to endure that terrible affront.  I would never want to force you into sexing up someone you didn’t wanna sex up.  No one is saying you have to think every girl you encounter is Hot Tamales.  But you don’t need to then crawl up to the highest point you can find on the Internet to scream from the rooftops to everyone, “Hey!!!  Now that I have your attention, I’d just like to let everyone know that I would not ever fuck this chick because she’s gross in several ways that I would now like to elucidate over the course of several dozen tweets and I’d like to open up the floor to any other guys out there who would also like to tell the world how they would never ever fuck this girl and what their reasons for that are.”  Because it’s not only mean to the girl, it’s also mean to all the other girls out there who happen to share those physical characteristics which they cannot change.

At least the guy bitching about swearing women being unattractive was attacking a behavior he disliked and not an unchangeable characteristic of who someone is.

But don’t do that either.  Whether or not something is “attractive” to you is not ever grounds for criticizing a woman.  Because women have a right to exist in the world independent of whether any given man finds them “attractive” or not.  And we don’t necessarily want to hear about your opinion on the topic any more than you probably want to hear about how unattractive we find it when you burp and remark in amazement, “That totally smelled like Doritos, but I didn’t even EAT Doritos!!”

It’s enough to make a girl want to swear a blue streak.