No More Tender Vittles

No More Tender Vittles

This piece was originally published at Ordinary Times Magazine.

Andre was running late.  

Andre couldn’t stand being late. He knew people thought of him as a bit of a slacker and because of that, he dressed with care, spoke politely, worked fast, and was punctual. But he knew that despite his best efforts, they’d notice he was late today and use it as a data point to support their original assertion that he was a slacker.

It didn’t seem fair exactly that people could make a decision about a person and then forevermore be on the lookout for evidence to support their conclusion. It didn’t seem fair exactly that nothing you said or did for the rest of your whole entire life mattered once people had made up their minds about you.

Then he caught a light and the traffic gods were with him. Andre rammed his hovercar into the closest parking hole without hitting the brakes till the last possible second. He barely managed to stop within the zone. If he’d gone any further he would have had to keep going out the exit side of the hole and come around for another try and he totally for sure would have been late if that happened. But he had no time to celebrate his superior parking ability. He sprinted into work with about 60 seconds to spare, smiling as the security camera scanned his face. Officially on time.

There was a horse in the lobby. Looked pissed, which was par for the course. It was one of those huge ones, a Clydesdale or whatever, with those big hairy hooves that could kick your skull open, probably. Andre had never drawn a horse on any of his assignments and getting a look at the sucker he was pretty glad of that.

Nova was bringing him in. Nova weighed about 45 kilograms soaking wet and Andre thought for a moment how stupid it was they didn’t take an animal control agent’s size into account when handing out assignments. He knew it was supposed to be fairer that way, but in a cosmic sense it kind of wasn’t fair at all. Nova had a split lip, a pretty bad one, and she was limping. She sent him a rueful look and he knew it had been a rough one. Poor kid. “Hey.”

The horse snarled at Andre, like an actual snarl, which was disturbing.  “Hay? Real funny, pal”.

“Shut up, Wilbur.”

“Wilbur was the man, you twat.  You mean Mr. Ed.”

“Ok, shut up, Mr. Ed.”  He gave Nova a once-over. “Are you ok?”

“Don’t aggravate him, Andre, I barely got him here as it is. And I’m fine. Cracked some ribs, probably I think.”

Mr. Ed made a sound that was somewhere between a human laugh and a whinny. “You know what they say, once you’ve had horse, you’ll walk funny.”

Nova elbowed his flank. “Shut up or I’ll trank you again.” In response Mr Ed raised his tail in the air and plopped a massive pile of moist green turds onto the lobby floor. Nova considered it with a sigh. “That’s about the last thing I need right now.” She looked like she was about to fall over from exhaustion and Andre was overcome by chivalry.

“I’ll get it.”

“Really, Dre?”


“Won’t you be late though?”

“Eh. They got me on camera, they know I’m here.  Work is work, right?”

“Oh gosh, well, thanks!” Nova led the horse into the waiting elevator and pushed the button.  

The horse looked back at Andre with a smirk. “Enjoy.” The door closed before Andre could reply.   

By the time he got up to Argonne’s office, everyone else had picked up their assignments and left. Yay, one-on-one time with the boss. Fantastic. “Late again, DeLuca?”

“There was a horse in the lobby.”

“It’s always something.” Argonne took his phone and downloaded Andre’s assignment into it. “Here, kitty, kitty.” Andre thought again about poor Nova wrangling that Clydesdale and here he was getting a cat. Didn’t seem quite fair, cosmically, but you can’t change the world, so. 

A cat seemed like such an easy retrieval he decided to bring Harry along. If Harry didn’t get out enough he got stir crazy and weird and even though it was a risky thing to do, Andre swung back by the apartment to get him.

Harry was laying sprawled on the couch, one of his freakishly long arms draped along the back of the couch, and the other buried in a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. He had orange dust in his black fur and all over his mouth, and he was naked. Andre happened to know Harry hadn’t showered for a good long time and if he hadn’t happened to know it, he would have known it anyway because of the smell. He pushed down a wave of disgust, since he couldn’t exactly judge Harry by human standards, and Harry had certainly not asked to be created that way or any way at all.

The chimp was watching one of the Game Show Networks, a rerun of that stupid old show with the people on a desert island. Andre vaguely recalled his grandma had liked it. Harry loved that show because he loved anything that seemed tropical. Said it was in his blood. “Is this when the Skipper meets Gilligan? I love that one.”

“Up yours.” Harry sat up and touched the picture to pause it and Andre was chagrined to see he left a massive Cheeto fingerprint smear on the tv screen. “What are you doing here?”

“You want to get out of here for a few? I could use some backup.” In reality, Harry was generally more of a hindrance on retrievals than a help, but Andre figured he maybe needed a reason to live, just like everybody else needed a reason. So when he could, Andre treated Harry like a sidekick, a partner maybe even. He figured maybe it helped his friend get through the long days of his confinement, having a purpose, even if it was just charity.

“Hellz yeah. What do you got?”

“Cat. You gotta wear clothes though.”  

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Since he hadn’t had time for breakfast, Andre mixed up an energy smoothie while Harry put on a striped shirt and a pair of red Osh Kosh B’Gosh overalls. He felt bad for the guy, for his dignity, but they had to dress him adorably when they went out in public in case he had to pass. Selling a pet chimp was hard enough, so he had to look every inch of the part. Harry posed comically, a forced innocent expression on his simian face. “Ooo ooo aaa aaa?”

“Heh. You look like a chimp to me. Keep your mouth shut for a freaking change and we won’t have any trouble.” Harry nodded once and went out the windowdoor to the hovercar while Andre guzzled his breakfast and surveyed the ruins of his apartment. Since Harry moved in the place was thrashed, there was garbage everywhere, fur everywhere, the air smelled like sweat and bad breath and something worse that he didn’t want to know what it was. He didn’t dare walk around barefoot or he’d get tetanus or ringworm or something probably. He’d had to fire the cleaning lady so she didn’t rat him out for having a genetically enhanced animal on the premises. Most pressing, Andre found himself practically dying of the hornies since he couldn’tve had a girl come up in that mess even if he could have convinced Harry to hide in the closet for a few hours. And even if he could have convinced himself to bang some unsuspecting woman knowing that Harry was hiding in the closet listening in the entire time.

It sucked, and sucked hard, but what else was he supposed to do? Put the guy out onto the street? Not like he was a dog or something who could blend in if he tried; a lone chimpanzee walking unaccompanied down the streets of urban Cincinnati was not exactly inconspicuous. What was he supposed to do? Turn Harry in, walk him across that lobby and into the elevator on a one-way-trip like how Nova had taken the horse? Harry was a half-step from human, it just…it didn’t seem right. Andre guzzled the dregs of his smoothie and as he felt the rush of the epinephrine start to kick in, he wondered for the millionth time if there might possibly be a safe place in the world for Harry that wasn’t the inside of Andre’s apartment.

It was turning out to be a nice day so they put the top down on the hovercar. Since Harry didn’t get out much, he loved to feel the sun on his skin, the wind in his fur. But unfortunately the trip, while pleasant, didn’t last long. Much to Andre’s surprise, the cat wasn’t hiding out in a fancy neighborhood, it was only a few blocks away from his own place. Most of his retrievals were of course in the better neighborhoods where the rich people lived, since regular people didn’t have the spare change to waste on genetically altering their pets. This cat was in regular old low income housing, in a run down part of town Andre didn’t recall ever having visited before.

Harry played navigator, checking the GPS for directions, moving his finger across the screen of Andre’s phone as he held it securely in his foot. “Third story, round the back. Not the corner one, second one over.” Andre was glad to see there was no hovercar parked at the window dock, made things a lot easier when the perps didn’t have a way to run. He docked the hovercraft on the parking ledge. Harry looked at him drily. “You want me to come in?”

“Shut up and get in the back, would you? There could be cameras.” In the backseat of his car Andre had a cage and some retrieval gear, but he hoped he wouldn’t need it. Gloves, a loop and pole, even a trank if it came to it. But it was just a cat. Maybe it could be reasoned with. It was always better when they could be reasoned with. Harry scrambled out of sight and hid under a blanket Andre kept there in case he had to retrieve a parrot. Andre approached the windowdoor and peered through. The woman who lived in the apartment gazed warily at him through the glass. “Animal Control, ma’am.” She didn’t move, just swallowed hard. Oh yeah, she was hiding something, that was for sure. Andre tapped the screen of his phone. “I’m sending you the warrant now.” He could hear the buzz of her phone as it went through. She let it buzz five times before she answered, trying to prolong the inevitable, he figured. Her face had gone very red. Slowly she scrolled down, reading every word of the warrant. Innocent people never bothered to read the warrant, they just let him in. “You’ll see it’s all in order. Did you want to call a lawyer, maybe, before you let me in?”

She looked to the side as if someone was talking to her. “No.” She opened the windowdoor and let him in. It was a nice little place. Girls always kept such nice places, single girls anyway. Andre wondered if he should look into moving someplace like this building, maybe keep paying the rent for Harry and just find a nice little place of his own instead. It would cost a lot, but as long as he didn’t have to eat, drink, or keep the lights on it was doable. “Hey! Are you even listening to me?? I said, what do you want?”

“We’ve had reports…”

Before he could continue, he heard an unmistakable sound. Andre had grown up with pets himself, with normal pets anyway, and only one thing on earth made that sound. It was the sound of a cat jumping down from someplace high, in this case a dark wooden entertainment center that held a TV and several potted plants. “I guess you’re here for me.” The cat put his paws out in front and stuck his tail up into the air and stretched. He was a black and white cat, longhaired, with white mittens like that kind of black and white cat always seemed to have. He blinked his green eyes slowly and yawned, exposing sharp white teeth and his scratchy pink tongue curling. Then he sat and began to lick a paw.

“Tigger, no!”

“Tigger, did you say, ma’am?” The bastard wasn’t even orange. Andre made a note of the cat’s name on his phone. It was that kind of attention to detail that would get him ahead with Argonne. Eventually.

“I don’t want for you to get into any trouble, Zara, ok? If I go now you won’t get in trouble. That’s the way it works. You know as well as I do that if a human knowingly lies to Animal Control it’s a felony. This way they’ll let you off with a warning, right?” He put his paw down and looked expectantly Andre’s direction for confirmation.

“Exactly. If the owner turns the pet over when asked and is willing to testify, then the state doesn’t press charges.” The woman burst into tears. Andre was glad he was dealing with a good kitty. A fair number of enhanced pets would happily let their owners hang right alongside them, begging and pleading and guilt-tripping their humans into senseless acts of heroism and doomed last stands. “We don’t want you, Ms. Briggs, we just want the bastards who are doing this to defenseless animals.”

The cat walked over and rubbed against his owner’s leg. “Aw Zara, come on. We had fun. This day had to come someday.” She picked him up like a baby and nuzzled him, and Andre could hear the low purr from the cat’s throat. “Enough of that mushy stuff, now.” Tigger wriggled in her arms till he could get a good look at Andre. “She won’t get into trouble, though, right?  You promise? If I come peacefully, she’s in the clear?”

“As long as she’s willing to testify about whoever made you.”

“She doesn’t know, though. She didn’t have anything to do with it, she just found me.”

“Who made you?  Do you know?” Andre knew it was clutching at straws to ask, because the animals rarely retained any memory of the enhancement process, but the more information he could give the bosses, the better. 

“Couldn’t tell ya. I was a scrawny kitten living off scraps when Zara found me. I don’t have the vaguest recollection of how I got there. She didn’t even know I talked for the longest time. I scared the hell out of her when I started, heh.”

Zara started laughing through her tears.  “No more Tender Vittles.”

“Yeah, that’s right – no more Tender Vittles.” Tigger rested his forehead against Zara’s cheek for a moment. “You’ll be ok, kid. Just get yourself a real cat like God intended. ‘Cause I was never meant to be.” The cat squirmed till he dropped free from Zara’s arms and ran to the windowdoor. It was still open, just a crack. Zara wiped at her cheeks but more tears came as quick as she wiped them away. Tigger looked back at her.  “So long, and thanks for all the fish.” And he slithered out the door and was gone.

Andre saw through the glass of the windowdoor that the cat had hopped into the passenger seat of his hovercar, which was a relief, because he didn’t feel like chasing him down. As Andre filled out the forms on his phone to confirm retrieval, he tried to ignore the woman’s quiet sobs. “Sorry, Ms. Briggs, but I, uh – I need your John Hancock. Your signature?”  She stopped crying…well, mostly anyway…and glared at him. He held out the phone and she pressed her thumb onto the screen.

“How do you even sleep at night?” Andre had heard it all before and he knew better than to take the bait and get embroiled in some sort of a big philosophical argument with a grieving owner. That was for the politicians to worry about, not him. He was just doing his job and if he didn’t do it there’d be 20 other guys and gals lined up to do it inside of 5 minutes.  

He left the way he’d come in and climbed into the driver’s seat beside the cat. The furry jerk had his leg hitched up in the air and was licking his ass vigorously. “Do I need to put you in the cage?”

He didn’t even have the decency to stop licking himself.  “Does it…snarf…look like…mlerf…you need to…ffrelf…put me in the cage?”


“Well, there ya go then.” The cat finished what he was doing and sat up. “So why d’you have a genetically enhanced chimpanzee hiding in the back of your car?”


“Don’t insult my intelligence. The nose knows, man. Smells like he’s been eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos or something, amirite?”

Andre willed Harry to stay put, stay silent so they’d have plausible deniability at the least, but he didn’t.  He popped his head out of the blanket and said, “What’re we gonna do now, Dre?”

“Goddammit, Harry, why did you talk? It was our word against his if you wouldn’t’ve talked!”

“Even you’re not that stupid, Andre. Come on! Animal Control gets accused of having an enhanced pet, whether he saw me or not, whether I stayed quiet or recited all of Roddy McDowell’s lines from Planet of the Apes, they’re gonna investigate! They’re gonna find my hair all over your apartment…and would it kill you to clean up once in a while, for Chrissake…”

“Well, Harry, maybe I could manage it if you weren’t such a freaking slob…”

“Even if I was a neat freak, they can get my DNA from a single hair!”

“Ladies, ladies.” Tigger licked his paw and wiped at his face with it. “Let’s save this lovers’ spat for another time, shall we? The question ‘what are we gonna do now, Dre?’ is sitting on the table before us, and I’ve got a suggestion, if you’d care to hear it.”

Andre sent a glare Harry’s direction, imagining his life going up in smoke for the sake of a damn dirty ape who hated showers and loved Cheetos. “I’m all ears, Tigger.”

Harry chuckled. “Tigger? His name is Tigger?  Dude, you ain’t even orange!”

The cat scrubbed his face with his paw furiously. “It’s because I’m bouncy, if you must know. Or I was, in my younger days. Now if I may continue?” Tigger shot Harry a side eye and Harry gestured at him to keep talking. “My suggestion is this. You pull over and I jump out and walk away. You tell ’em you lost me. I know you guys lose us now and then. You take your slap on the wrist, I keep my mouth shut, like, forever. No harm, no foul.”

It was a stupid idea. “They’ll just send somebody back to Zara’s place and pick you up again.”   

“I won’t go back to Zara’s.  She’s a good kid, but truth be told, the life of a housecat was getting kinda meh for me anyway.  The ennui.”

“The ennui?” Harry guffawed incredulously at the choice of words.

“It’s like French, for boredom.”  

“Oh I know very well what ennui means, you can trust me on that, Mr. Pussycat.  I could tell you about ennui for hours and hours.”

The cat considered Harry knowingly.  “Yeah, I bet you could, you poor bastard.”

Andre breathed in sharply through his nose and tried to keep his cool. The cat never looked his way, just kept washing his face. Andre looked at Harry, who shrugged, as if telling him the ball was in his court, and somehow the pitifulness of his friend’s gesture brought it home, how screwed they actually were. He hit the steering wheel a couple times in frustration, because this was a disaster, it was a complete and utter disaster, Argonne was never gonna let him hear the end of it, this would undo years of near-flawless work on his part. He groaned through his teeth and shook his head with vigor, as if he could just shake it all away. No good deed goes unpunished, ever ever ever it seemed like. “Fine. FINE! You got a preference where you want us to let you off?”

“Here is as good as anywhere.” Andre maneuvered the hovercar down to street level, past a fruit stand and some kids playing in the street. “Where do you take guys like me anyway? What do you do with us? I’ve always wondered.”

“I don’t know, believe it or not. They don’t tell us.” Andre drove the car into an alley to avoid the security cameras out on the street. There were supposed to be security cams in alleys too but they cost so much and were always getting vandalized, so most of the ones off the beaten path were fake or broken. He sure hoped the cams in this alley fell into one of those two categories. The cat stretched and leapt onto the top of the door frame where he balanced precariously for a moment. “Catch you on the flip side, gentlemen. Or not.” And he jumped onto the ground and scurried away while Andre and Harry watched.

Harry climbed into the front seat. Andre was lost in thought, trying to come up with a story he could tell Argonne so he wouldn’t get his ass completely chewed. He was so lost in thought he didn’t really pay much attention to Harry messing around with the glove box, debating as he was the merits of saying the cat had escaped versus that he had never been there to begin with and that he’d hit the wrong button on the touchscreen when he verified retrieval. But Harry was messing around with the glove box, and then IN the glove box, and when the chimp pulled out Andre’s service revolver that got his attention right quick. “What the hell are you doing? Harry, wait…”

Before Andre could even think of what to do, let alone do it, Harry had taken careful aim at the cat, who had climbed up onto a dumpster and was in midsquat, about to leap up onto a narrow ledge on a nearby building. The gun went off and Andre smothered a cry. “Problem solved.” Harry put the safety on and shoved the gun back into the glove compartment. He slammed the small door shut and Andre jumped at the sound. He realized he was shaking, shaking all over with anger, fear, sorrow, and something else underneath it all that he didn’t want to look at too closely. His stomach churned and he felt tears burn his eyes. “The cat ran, Dre. You had no choice.”

“Why did you do that for Harry, it would have been ok, I would’ve, I could’ve, I would’ve took the punishment, it was no big deal, everything was cool…” Andre realized he was babbling and forced himself to stop talking.

“Because screw him, that’s why. Screw him. Because better him than us, that’s why.”

Andre grew dimly aware that the troubling thing lurking underneath the swirl of more acceptable emotions he was experiencing was relief. “Better? Better him?”

“That’s right. Better him than us. The cat ran. Which he did, in a way, didn’t he, if you think about it? You had no choice.”

“No choice.” Andre nodded, and swallowed, and nodded again. The anger and fear and sorrow began to recede into the background and with more room to stretch its legs, the relief began to grow. It was wrong, what had happened, it felt wrong, and he knew it was wrong, but the thing was, if he was being honest the thing that just happened was really what he did anyway. It was what an animal control agent did. He took things…creatures…beings…things…that could talk and think and feel and had people that loved them across a lobby and into an elevator and then they went away somewhere and probably ended up just exactly like Tigger did and he was ok with that because he didn’t see it happen firsthand.

“All that just happened was an animal killing another animal, Andre.  It happens every day. It’s the most natural thing in the whole wide world for that to happen.”  

Natural. It was natural. It was entirely within the bounds of nature that a strong animal kills a weaker one in order to live. But what the hell did that mean anyway, natural, I mean seriously he was a guy sitting in a hovercar for Chrissake, how natural was that? He was a guy sitting in a hovercar beside a talking chimpanzee that had just wasted a talking cat. It was disturbing how quickly a person could go from thinking something was unnatural to justifying it as being natural all in the same moment. “Natural, yeah.”

Harry peered at Andre with those hooded round eyes of his for a long moment and then he leaned over and grabbed something from the back. Then he swung himself out of the hovercar with that casual ape athleticism he possessed, and scrambled up onto the dumpster where Tigger’s body lay. What he’d grabbed was the body bag that Andre always brought along in case a retrieval ever went south, like, deep south, which had never happened to him before but apparently it had now. Harry shoved the cat into the bag and then straightened up with sudden purpose just exactly how people do when their phone is set on vibrate and it rings. Andre realized with dismay that Harry had taken the phone and he knew it was because Harry hadn’t trusted him with it. Harry still thought Andre might turn him in and had taken the phone so he couldn’t call for backup. The chimp looked at the screen and touched it a few times and read something. He glanced at Andre with an amused air, tucked the phone back into the front pocket of the red Osh Kosh B’Gosh overalls and leapt from the edge of the dumpster into the passenger seat of the car. He landed lightly in the seat, depositing the cat’s body in the back of the hovercar at the same time. “You got a text. From Nova, Lothario.”

“Oh yeah?” For a chilling moment Andre considered how strong Harry was and how far he could jump and how fast he could move. For a moment Andre considered how tough it would be to retrieve a chimpanzee, harder than a horse probably even, then he pushed that thought away because Harry was his friend. “What’d she want?”

“Meet you for drinks.”             


“Life goes on.”

Andre stepped on the pedal and the hovercar rose straight up.  Drinks with Nova sounded pretty ok to him. “Yeah, it does, I guess. Life goes on.”

After all, it was just a cat.  



Photo by Tambako the Jaguar

Photo by Tambako the Jaguar

There’s Something About Mary Sue

There’s Something About Mary Sue

This piece was originally published at Ordinary Times Magazine.

The topic of “Mary Sue” came up on Twitter the other day. A friend of mine (we’ll call him “Rod Shelley”) mentioned that he thought that people calling characters Mary Sue was sexist because they always seemed to apply it to female and not male characters. This spurred an interesting conversation.

So – is the expression “Mary Sue” sexist?

Rod was absolutely correct in his observation that “Mary Sue” is a term that is used to exclusively describe female characters. But this is because from its inception, Mary Sue is a term that depicts a certain type of always-female character. Mary Sue is not applied to dudes because it’s not a descriptor that is applicable to male characters. It’s like the term “buxom” – it’s pretty much exclusively used to describe females but it’s not because it’s a sexist term per se, it’s because it’s a word that describes a quality present in females and not males. Buxom, like Mary Sue, can certainly be used in sexist ways, but it isn’t inherently sexist and it certainly isn’t sexist to apply it exclusively to women, because it describes a quality some women have. “Mary Sue”, the expression, isn’t anti-woman any more than the word “priapic” is anti-male.

Even though it’s become ubiquitous of late, the origins of Mary Sue are humble. It’s from A Trekkie’s Tale, a very funny, very short parody story about a certain type of writing that was…and still is…common in fan fiction. In 1974, when A Trekkie’s Tale was first published, fan fiction was just starting to become an Official Thing (in those dark pre-Internet days, fanfic spread at conventions and not online). Paula Smith, the author of A Trekkie’s Tale, realized that most bad fan fiction – particularly that written by women authors (then again, most who write fan fic are female so it goes to follow that most bad fan fic would therefore be written by women)- fell into a peculiar and oddly specific category, which we now refer to as Mary Sue. In Smith’s words (and may I just say I adore how spectacularly startrekian this is), “I simply named a bug, I found a new fern. I identified a piece of humanity and put a name to it, but that’s all I did.”

The qualities of a Mary Sue:

*A female character who is pretty obviously meant to be a stand in for the author (particularly in fan fic) or the author’s perceived audience (fan service).

*She’s an original, non-canon character who comes in from seemingly out of nowhere, with little explanation. If she has a back story at all, it’s fascinating and/or heart wrenching and/or incredibly impressive – in the case of the original Mary Sue, “the youngest lieutenant in Starfleet at only 15 and a half years old”.

*She’s incredibly gorgeous (often possessing rare and unusual beauty – IMO green or violet eyes and wildly curly hair in an unusual shade are dead giveaways), is unbelievably smart, witty, charming, sweet, and is often but not always a badass.

*The regularly occurring canon characters are bizarrely, even inexplicably smitten with her. If canon characters are female, Mary Sue becomes protegé/daughter/best friend/love interest, if the canon characters are male, Mary Sue becomes apprentice/daughter/kid sister/love interest. What’s more, the regular characters want to protect and defend Mary Sue, not just coexist alongside her. An intimate relationship of some sort begins immediately, no getting-to-know-you grace period, regardless of the canon character’s personality.  Even if the main character is generally taciturn, unfriendly, or standoffish, they aren’t any of those things when it comes to Mary Sue. She is embraced by virtually all the regular characters, and if there’s a recurring character who doesn’t fall head over heels in like with Mary Sue, they’re typically portrayed as bitter or jealous of her greatness.

*Mary Sue possesses an impossibly wide array of talents that surpass the skills of all the canon characters. She’s even good at things that the regular characters do that she’s never tried before. She can hack computers, set broken bones, fight demons, bake cupcakes, and play the lute. She’s well read, well dressed, well heeled, well connected, and well rested. There is nothing Mary Sue cannot do when she sets her mind to it. She puts all the everyday characters to shame with her wonderfulness, but she doesn’t rub it in their faces, though, because she’s also totally nice. Most of these characteristics aren’t relevant to the plot, they’re just there to make Mary Sue the awesomest.

*There never seems to be any price to Mary Sue’s skillset, either in acquisition or execution. She never (well, rarely) spent years in a university learning stuff, she never spent years slaving away in a workplace to get where she is today, she’s just inherently, naturally born amazing and the world has recognized this by giving her responsibilities far beyond her years. She never has to juggle priorities or limit herself in any way, she has an endless supply of time and money and energy to be great at however many things the plot needs her to be great at, plus all the things the writer happens to think are cool. She only ever has to pay a fee in terms of physical limitations or personal sacrifices when her fragility and spirit of self-sacrifice makes her more sympathetic and endearing to the canon characters.

*Usually, she dies a tragic death in which she saves everyone on the ship/planet/police squad and the main characters are utterly transformed by it in ways that they were never transformed by previous characters’ deaths, even when they’d known the other characters for years.

*And finally, (and I think this is the surest tell) she deprotagonizes the other characters. Suddenly, a show that was an ensemble cast about people on a spaceship or two brothers fighting demons to give a couple random and meaningless examples I just spun out of thin air, becomes about this other person entirely for an episode or three (or in the pages of a fanfic) leaving the characters most of us show up to see sitting on the sidelines waving pom-poms for her. Even more so, the recurring characters act completely out of character on Mary Sue’s behalf – gushing and paying compliments and giving hugs – even though they don’t DO stuff like that, like, ever.

Now, what a Mary Sue is and isn’t beyond all that, is a matter of great debate. The term has been watered down and bastardized and is admittedly grossly mis- and overapplied. It’s been stretched to include lots of variations, most famously something called a Canon Sue. Canon Sue is mostly just like her big sister Mary Sue, but she’s a recurring character. All the same qualities apply, though – Sue’s just too good to be true and she’s just born awesome and all the boys fall in love with her and all the girls fall in love with her too and she saves the whole entire universe. Be they Canon Sue or Classic Mary Sue, Mary Sues are loved by everyone, protected by everyone, cherished by everyone, and they are there to help everyone through their sheer unadulterated awesomeness. Mary Sues are awesome without assistance from anybody else, right up till they swoon dramatically and die from an overdose of saving the world.

At first my friend Rod shrugged off my claims that Mary Sue has to be female by definition, because as he said, he sees plenty of male characters who are Chosen Ones, who are inexplicably awesome at something-or-the-other for no real reason. But if you take a closer look, while there are absolutely plenty of male heroes in fiction that are Chosen Ones, they aren’t Mary Sues.

Everybody in a galaxy far, far away, doesn’t magically fall in love with Luke Skywalker. Heck, he walks into a bar and a total stranger says “I don’t like you” and he has to be saved by a geezer. Han Solo is always busting his chops and the princess he comes to rescue insults his height. He requires the help of Han and ObiWan’s ghost to blow up the Death Star. Later he gets his ass kicked and his hand chopped off and he needs his dad to kill the Emporer for him.

Everybody at Hogwarts doesn’t magically fall in love with Harry Potter. He has to deal with a hostile press corps, tons of people who don’t like him for various reasons, and even those who like him, don’t always believe in him. He needs the help of dozens of people to defeat Voldemort, even Neville, even his archenemy Snape for Dobby’s sake!! Nobody protects him from anything, even several people who by all rights should be looking out for him.

Everybody in the Matrix doesn’t magically fall in love with Neo.  In fact, Morpheus is hard pressed to convince anyone else that Neo is the Chosen One. Neo needs help from Morpheus, Trinity, and lots of other people (including parts of the Matrix itself) to defeat Agent Smith and save Zion.

Everybody in the Jedi Order doesn’t magically fall in love with Anakin. Mace Windu and Yoda never trusted him, the Jedi Council refuses to make him a master and even his teacher ObiWan doesn’t exactly have his back. He may fly a pod racer when he’s 9 (at Qui-Gonn’s request – not exactly protecting the little bugger, was he?) but he is very far from being universally loved or good at everything.

All the other characters have to protect and love a Mary Sue. That’s the deal with a Mary Sue. She is universally loved. She is universally nurtured. She isn’t just Chosen, she’s Cared About. She doesn’t even have to be chosen at all (the original Mary Sue isn’t a Chosen One!) she just needs to be adored. Mary Sue is a vector of wish fulfillment for people who want to be loved and taken care of by everyone around them while still being seen as a brave and daring heroine, and it makes for unrealistic fiction that a dude – no matter how awesomesauce he is – will show up anywhere and be incessantly fawned over by both men and women alike. Mary Sue is already an unrealistic character on a good day.

Try to make Gary or Larry or Marty Stu show up on an established show and make a bunch of grizzled old reserved and surly dudes like Jean Luc Picard or Dean Winchester or Han Solo suddenly start gushing about how fantabulous he is and how they want to be BFF’s and protect him at all costs to themselves.  At least in any fashion that is remotely believable and doesn’t end up with you despising the smarmy little twerp and/or wanting to slap the older dudes for debasing themselves that way.

Go ahead, try it, I’ll wait.

Mary Sue is a woman for the same reason a Manic Pixie Dream Girl is a woman – it’s a close enough approximation of a type of person and/or scenario that exists in real life. It’s just plain more realistic that a winsome and talented chick shows up out of the blue and wins a bunch of people over without having to try very hard. That scenario is much more plausible than having a winsome and talented guy show up and everyone gloms onto him trying to be his mommy or daddy or buddy or pal or long-lost uncle or hoping to seduce him. Even more, it is much more realistic that people will behave protectively, solicitously, towards a female character than a male one. It may not be fair, it may not be right, but it be. Writing Mary Sue as a man just doesn’t ring true, and Mary Sue doesn’t ring too true to start out with. And trying to make Mary Sue a Gary Stu (kinda sorta) yielded one of the most hated characters in all of history…Wesley Crusher.

But maybe you’re still not convinced. Rod wasn’t. And that’s because the writing of a Mary Sue is only half the equation. There is also the reading (or the watching) of a Mary Sue. Because the audience is just as important to the existence of Mary Sue as the writer is.

The thing about Mary Sue that makes her interesting despite her triteness (to me anyway) is also what makes her 100% for sure not sexist. A Mary Sue is a female conception of an ideal female character. If you’re a man reading this and you’re confused or disgusted or annoyed by the ubiquity of Mary Sueism, it’s ok, Mary Sue isn’t intended for you anyway. Believe it or not, there are things in this world that women do for ourselves and each other and not for men, and one of them is Mary Sue. A Mary Sue is what women ourselves think the ideal woman should be. How can something that is made by women, for women, be sexist?? We Internetters have fun sometimes joking about men writing ridiculously idealized female characters but Mary Sue is women writing what women secretly want to be, down deep inside ourselves where we think no one is looking.

Women writing idealized female characters is as psychologically telling and as tragically hilarious as men writing idealized female characters. Men may write women as one-dimensional (and I hope it isn’t because men think the ideal woman IS one-dimensional) but women think the ideal woman ought to be so multidimensional that she’s positively interdimensional. Women have it drummed into us since the moment we emerge from the womb that we need to be successful in every arena and if they invent a new arena we better be good in that one too even though we never practiced before. Is it really any surprise that when we concoct an ideal woman, it’s one who is effortlessly successful at everything she ever tries?

A female friend of mine pointed out, and I fully, fully concur with her brilliance, that when it comes to Mary Sue, if our lives were a narrative, we would want to be the character who is good at everything, adored by all, protected and nurtured, and so desirable that love interests are actually fighting over us. She said, “We don’t get that in the real world and so we have to invent it.” This is very very much a similar sentiment to the sentiment of “unearned specialness” I explored in my recent piece about Twilight – and Bella Swan, the main character of Twilight, is widely considered to be one of the most well-known Canon Sues.

Men like wish fulfillment just like women do, but their wish fulfillment avatars tend to be more of the Everyman variety – guys who are nothing special, even damaged goods, but circumstances thrust them into situations where they have the opportunity to excel, to succeed, without really changing much or having to work too awfully hard at it. Everymen may be Chosen Ones, but they’re really only Chosen in one arena. Neo doesn’t also become a concert pianist and a New York Times Bestselling Author in addition to being The One. Luke becomes a Jedi, but he doesn’t even get the girl. This isn’t hard for me to understand – after all, I can see that would be a wonderful fantasy – to be average, to be flawed, to not succeed at most things, and still find some way to shine.

But honestly, that doesn’t do it for me.

I need to feel deserving of success. I need to feel like I earned it. I need to feel like the people around me – my parents and bosses and friends and love interests – look at me and see some version of perfection. Even my flaws are the flaws that they would have picked out if they could have ordered me from a catalog. And unfortunately for me, I find I need that even in my fictional escapades. I’m sure that this is in no small part because I’ve never felt good enough, or right enough, or fixed enough to be worthy of success or even worthy of love. It’s like a chronic case of Imposter Syndrome and most of us women are afflicted. Deep down inside, I don’t feel I’ll ever be good enough until I am perfect, and so in order to enjoy a fantasy – even just a FANTASY – I need to incorporate that desire to be seen as perfect through someone’s eyes, since that’s the only way I feel worthy.

Hence Mary Sue.

Mary Sue is not sexist. The term has been misused, grossly at times, with sexist undertones, for sure. But it isn’t a sexist term itself. The character “Mary Sue” is something that’s made for women, by women, and it endures because there’s something about Mary Sue that speaks to women both as creators and as readers.


Is “Supernatural” Sexist?

Is “Supernatural” Sexist?

Since I’m coming off my Supernatural binge I’m gonna take the opportunity to write about something that has long bothered me.

Is Supernatural sexist?

People are often surprised to hear I like Supernatural.  After all, I identify as a feminist, if an unorthodox one, and Supernatural is supposedly the most sexist show ever.

But I don’t think Supernatural IS sexist.  Even though I’m pretty sensitive to stuff like that, I really don’t find it at all sexist.  I have literally never been offended by anything that has happened on Supernatural, except for Charlie Bradbury, an insufferable Mary Sue who was ironically written to serve as some sort of female representation.  That’s right, the only thing I ever found sexist on Supernatural was the magical talisman that was supposed to prevent me from thinking Supernatural is sexist.  Don’t do me any favors, yo.  Don’t give me a crappy character you put 10 seconds of thought into and pretend it’s for me when it’s just so you can shut people like me up.

I think Supernatural,  rather than being a sexist extravaganza, is just a show that is mostly about men, and not as much about women.  And hey, that is perfectly ok with me.   IMVHO, it’s not at all feminist to demand that shows about men actually be about women.  Women don’t need special treatment, we just need an equal shot.  Right?  If we need special treatment to succeed, if we need to force people against their will to watch shows that feature female characters, then we really AREN’T equal, are we?  We’re just LARPing equality.  I want the real deal.

I enjoy a good estrogenfest now and then just as much as the next gal, but I also like watching shows that are about dudes doing dude things too.  There are an infinine number of stories out there in the world to be told and as such it’s only natural that some stories are mostly about guys.  So?  I believe with every fiber of my being as both a feminist and a fiction writer that there is room in the world for stories that are mostly about men, stories that are mostly about women, and stories about both men and women interacting together in all sorts of different ways.  A world that features ONLY tales that involve a set number of boys and a set number of girls every single time would drastically limit the number of stories that could be told.  As a writer, I will never approve of limiting the number of stories that can be told!  We can call for and hope for AND PERSONALLY CREATE more stories that are centered around female characters and include lots of female characters without demanding that stories that are about men be altered to include female characters when it doesn’t serve the story.

In the case of Supernatural, a show that is mostly about men, a lack of a main female character is not extreme, sexist or unusual.  It is realistic.  Fun fact, there are vast, huge swaths of the world in when men do things together without the presence of women.   (Trust me, I have 4 sons and my husband is a truck driver.)  There are men – and not a few – who go days, weeks, even months without having a single meaningful interaction with people of the female persuasion at all.  It is not because they think females have cooties and they think men are superior so they don’t let stinky ol’ girls join the He Man Woman Haters Club.  It is because they’re completely cut off from them.  Men LIKE WOMEN.  They seek them out whenever and however they can.  They want to have women in their life, would love to, they just don’t.

Seriously, Supernatural fans, after watching this show for 15 years, do you think Dean, Sam, Bobby, and even Castiel aren’t SUFFERING from not having women in their life?  They are, it’s obvious that they are.  It causes them great pain to not have love, to not have female companionship, and it’s a pain that a lot of men actually kind of relate to.  It is not sexist to portray men who are isolated and suffering because of their isolation.  That isolation is, in fact a huge part of why Dean, Sam, and Bobby are so miserable all the time.  They don’t have love in their lives.  (Castiel, of course, doesn’t need that in the same way, but he still might wish to have a female friend, which he is unable to have due to circumstances out of his control.)  These guys can’t have love in their lives.  Every time the Winchesters start to pursue a relationship (even just friendship) their loved ones die or they have to leave to protect them.

This matters.  This dynamic is critical to the plot of Supernatural, it’s critical to the characters as they’ve been written, it’s critical to the greater subtext (because it’s a story that is ABOUT MEN).  If the writers stick a girl into this masculine melee to tick off a SJW box on a PC checklist, it changes that dynamic irrevocably just like it would change the dynamic of Steel Magnolias if one of the Magnolias was Chris Hemsworth.  It undermines the fundamental premise of the show, which involves men, who through no fault of their own, just a terribly unlucky twist of fate, are cast into a battle they never wanted to fight, and as a result are completely cut off from the things that most of us take for granted, like family and love and happiness.

You know, the way billions of men have lived and died throughout history.  Alone.  Of all the men who have ever lived, only 40% of them have passed down Y chromosomes that endure to this day.   This means that huge, huge numbers of men have lived their entire lives and died without being married, without even getting close, without ever having children.  They went out on pirate ships and into monasteries and joined armies where they were surrounded by men all day every day.  Except for their mothers – and a good many men, like the Winchesters, lost their mothers at young ages – and the occasional encounter with a prostitute, the existence of a whole lot of men throughout history has been one of being surrounded by all dudes, all the time.  Even still to this day tons of men are single, have exclusively male friends (or no friends), may be employed someplace with primarily male coworkers, and just don’t see many women from day to day.

Again, this is not because they’re big fat mean sexist pigs, it’s because fate has put them into a position where they have no access to women, not even in the friend zone.   It’s not by choice, it’s by necessity.  It doesn’t make them happy to be alone, and Dean and Sam Winchester, in their female-less misery and isolation, exemplify this.  Sam and Dean, as silly as it sounds, are the fictional embodiment of millions, if not billions of dudes who went out and fought the good fight and saved the world in some small way and died, forgotten, without anyone there to mourn them but their brothers.   Dean and Sam are the modern day avatars of men who died at sea and on battlefields and in jungles and forests thousands of miles from home doing heroic ass shit to bring we ladies cinnamon and safety and never even got laid as thanks for their sacrifice.

Given all this, it’s really rather asinine to demand there be a consistent “female voice” in Supernatural because Supernatural is about the male experience – particularly the male experience feeling sexually and emotionally isolated from women and having to save a world you never even get to partake in.  Shoehorning a “female voice” in there could very easily drown out a good part of what the show is even about – male pain.  And not, you wiseacre you, because women never shut up either, but because men act differently when women are present.  Men, particularly tough men like the Winchesters, rarely talk about their feelings in front of women.  Men try to impress women, when women are present, by being brave and strong and stoic.  All those scenes where Dean and Sam sit in the Impala and hash out the terrible things they’ve been through would not happen if there was a girl or two in the car with them (well, they might, but they’d be a lot harder for me to buy as a viewer.)

Men being open to discussing feelings is really important.  Men seeing other men, even fictional men, doing so is really important.  I know some feminists think it’s fun to belittle male tears but I think every human being’s pain matters and for men to talk about their emotional baggage now and then with somebody now and then is critical.   Even if you really don’t give two figs about men and their feelz, it is important ~for women~ to allow men to explore male vulnerability through fiction even out of our own self-preservation.  We all know the trope of that strong, silent man who lashes out at his wife and his kids, we all know the story of that quiet guy who kept to himself right up till the day he snapped.  Don’t stifle yourselves, my dudes.

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Supernatural is exquisitely rare in that it shows men being vulnerable with each other sometimes.  We as feminists should be encouraging that and not sitting around whining that we didn’t get enough representation.  Because normalizing male vulnerability is the cure for toxic masculinity.

But Supernatural is about more than just male pain.  It’s about male fear.

What is the thing that men fear the most?  It’s not spiders, it’s not dental work, it’s not snakes like Indiana Jones, it’s not demons, it’s not even killer clowns.

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Men’s greatest fear, programmed into them from a kajillion years of evolution, is that they cannot protect their loved ones.  Whether or not you believe gender is mostly a social construct, the fact is, biologically, right down to their very DNA, male animals are hard wired to protect their flock or their tribe or their family and desperately fear failing at that task.  And Sam and Dean, again and again and again, are unable to protect the people closest to them.  They fail in their primary mission, protecting the defenseless people who rely on them and they fail at it repeatedly.   As the song says, it’s almost like they were born to lose and destined to fail.  The amount the Winchesters spectacularly fail at their fundamental role as men is downright emasculating.  But then they have to regroup and do it all over again.  And they do, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it costs them.  Supernatural is a story of men who cannot accomplish the one thing men want the most – to keep their loved ones safe from harm – again, as a great many men throughout history have been unable to keep their loved ones safe from harm.  But it’s also a story of men who don’t give up trying.

When you watch Supernatural through that lens, it’s incredibly moving.   Dean and Sam try and fail and try and fail and fail and fail some more.  No wonder they push women away – they don’t want to let them down.  They don’t want to get them killed.  Their lives are a train wreck, their saga is tragedy-in-progress.  The “women in fridges” trope has come under fire recently and rightfully so, but Supernatural should be held fully exempt from that criticism because women dying on Supernatural serves the greater subtext of the show – men being chronically unable to protect those they love.  The greatest fear that men have.

So if the writers decide to now cram some adorable female version of Cousin Oliver into the show and have her survive???  and become a regular character?????  that would  undermine what the show is even about.  A show about men’s isolation and men’s pain and men’s deepest darkest fear that they can’t protect the people who rely upon them would be rendered meaningless by the introduction of a character who directly undermines that subtext.  Supernatural with a recurring female character who survives indefinitely invalidates the whole entire freaking point of Supernatural.  It’s not sexism not to have a “consistent female voice”, it’s simply staying true to what Supernatural is about!

But even if you look at Supernatural from a fully female perspective, it’s still not sexist.

So you don’t like men?  You don’t care about their fear and their pain?  Ok.  Let’s talk the women on Supernatural.  One of my biggest, hugest, personal pet peeves is how we are told that cramming spectacularly beautiful, always flawless, nearly always young women into a movie or show is supposedly feminist or something.  Are you seriously telling me that putting forth women whose physical attractiveness is so far beyond that of mere mortals as to be unattainable, that are OBVIOUSLY put into a program not for me to relate to but for men to ogle (no doubt whilst comparing gals like me unfavorably) is somehow more feminist than a show that doesn’t have a “consistent male voice”?

Are you kidding me?


Shoving a gorgeous chick at me telling me it’s for my benefit when really it’s for the benefit of thirsty dudes does not feel even remotely feminist, mmmkay??

And Supernatural never, ever, ever does that.  The women in Supernatural are average and get dirty and look gross sometimes and don’t wear that much makeup and aren’t perfectly coiffed and most of them don’t ever dress slutty unless it’s important to the character (rare).  Watching the women on Supernatural feels like a breath of fresh air to me.  They look like me.  They’re put together like women who are working hard and fighting for their life would be and aren’t running from demons wearing 3 inch heels.

Let’s take a look at some of the gals who have shown up on Supernatural the most.

Sheriff Jody Mills:


Ellen and Jo:




Ruby in both incarnations:


While all these women are beautiful, their beauty is attainable.  It’s not Hollywood level insane off-the-charts-Megan-Fox-Margot-Robbie beauty.  They wear real clothes suitable to the job they’re doing.  They get dirty and bloody and their hair gets messed up.  Kudos to whoever does the casting and the costuming/makeup, because I for one really appreciate it.  The women on Supernatural seem like real people doing real things in a messed up world and not chicks who are prancing around on a screen for dudes to jerk it to.  The women in Supernatural feel like they are there for me to relate to and they are there to tell a story and not there for men.

And that, cats and kittens, is entirely feminist.

Beyond all that, Supernatural does something extraordinary with its female characters, something that I believe to be entirely unique.  It lets them have sex in a way that is normal, that approximates to a reasonable extent the type of sexual activity women have in the real world.  The female characters on Supernatural are sexually active without it being a gimmick.  The women of Supernatural have sex just as an ordinary part of their lives and it is not a huge deal.  No slutshaming, no virgin-celebrating, no Madonna/whore complexes.  They fuck sometimes because people fuck sometimes.

Examples?  But of course.

Lisa Braeden, Dean’s on again, off again girlfriend, had a one-night-stand with Dean, then shortly after got pregnant from another one-night-stand, had a baby on her own, raised it, we assume she had sex many times along the way with various people, and then Dean got back together with her and they lived together for a while.  Her sexual choices were not presented as disgusting or indeed in any way remarkable.  Dean had absolutely no qualms about picking it up again with Lisa right where they left off despite the fact that she’d had sex with other dudes.  Lisa Braeden was not a soiled dove; Dean wasn’t doing her a favor by going out with her, in fact he felt lucky to have her.


Amelia Richardson was a woman who Sam had an intense fairly long term relationship with.  Dean and Sam had had a falling out and he was on his own.  She thought at the time her husband was dead, killed in Afghanistan, but later it turned out he was actually alive.  Neither her husband or Sam was consumed with jealousy, neither punished Amelia for the terrible situation she found herself in.  Her husband let Amelia decide for herself what she wanted to do and didn’t pressure her in any way.   Her body, her choice.


One of my personal fave Supernatural women is Jo Harvelle (and one of the reasons I hate the Charlie Bradbury character so much is that Sam and Dean actually HAD an adorable little sister character that they never gushed about anywhere near how they gushed about Charlie FFS).  Jo, as many younger women do when it comes to older guys, had a bit of a crush on Dean, which Dean being Dean, reciprocated in a sexual way.  But Jo knew (please note, it was NOT that Dean was sooo wise and mature that HE knew, Jo herself was the one who knew better) would have never been the guy that Jo needed him to be, so she never acted on it.  This went on till the night before they were going into a situation where they’d likely both die.  Dean played the “it’s our last night on earth, why not?” card.  And Jo thought about it, thought about it very seriously, and turned him down.  Because sexual freedom also includes the right to say no.


But the one that takes the cake for me is Annie Hawkins.  Annie was a Hunter, like Dean and Sam are Hunters, who went missing.  In the process of looking for her, it is revealed that she had slept with Bobby, Dean, and Sam at various points over the years.  It was funny, but it wasn’t painted as funny in a “ha-ha slut” way, it was funny because life is funny and people are funny.  It wasn’t a laugh at Annie’s expense at all.  And Annie wasn’t a throwaway disposable character.  She wasn’t a woman in a fridge, she was an important part of the plot.  Even though she was only in one single episode, she was a fully-fleshed out 3 dimensional character, not a punchline.  She was neither punished nor celebrated for her sexual choices.  All three of our heroes cared about her and valued the time they’d spent together, but it was just that nobody needed to marry nobody or nothing.  It was a really nice way to illustrate that women have sexual histories just like men, we have sex for all sorts of reasons including that we’re in the mood to.  I wracked my brain and I couldn’t think of a single other show that had ever featured a non-slut woman having sex with three different guys at various stages in her life as a non-joke plot point aside from Supernatural.  Totally a feminist moment for me.


Final analysis – Supernatural is not sexist.  Far from it.  In many ways, it’s downright feminist.

Look, here’s the thing.  We live in a world full of oodles of people who think they get to have everything JUST the way they want it all the time.  If they aren’t the absolute center of the universe in everything all the time they pitch a fit and moan and complain and make demands until someone gives them fan service.  But fan service sucks and intersectionality is impossible.  It just isn’t possible to produce a book or a movie or a show that is fundamentally about men and male pain and male fear and then decide to flush that away to make a show about some extraneous woman designed by a focus group instead because some people have loud mouths.  Because HEY, it would be an entirely different show if the writers did that, and I suspect a very much inferior one.  Plus, despite being a show about men, Supernatural does a pretty fantastic job of bringing us strong and relatable female characters anyway!  Don’t fix what ain’t broke!

Long story short, I think it’s fucking ridiculous – and antifeminist – to pretend that a show is anti-women just because it happens to be pro-men.

Supernatural is NOT SEXIST.   The atomic feminist has spoken.

If you want to see my take on adding a female character to the Supernatural universe please check out my (long) short story Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl.


Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 14: Carry On, Wayward Father

Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 14: Carry On, Wayward Father

Sam didn’t know what Dean had said to Crowley but the demon/angel thing had gulped and the blood had drained from his face.  He half-expected Dean to smite Crowley where he cowered there on the floor and felt a surprising relief when instead Crowley simply disappeared –  seemingly of his own accord.  Dean looked up, a positively cheery expression on his face.  His eyes gleamed too brightly, like he had a high fever.  “Well, looks like we’re going in!  Everybody wear your Sunday Best.  Sam, let’s take a walk.”

They left the angels in conference and moved purposefully down the corridor.  “Going in where?” Sam was none too sure he wanted to know.

“She can’t control her people, Sam.  Crowley showing up here…we can’t have that!  If she can’t keep her end of this arrangement running smoothly, it means we just have to step in and do it for her.”

Oh, effff……… “Dean, wait, let’s think for a minute…”

“Sammy, alls I been doing for the last few weeks is thinking.  Thinking, and thinking, and thinking some more. Quite frankly I’m kind of sick of thinking.  It’s obvious that Jovi can’t run things.  I get where you’re coming from there, I do.  I acknowledge we have a Jovi problem, I just disagree with your solution.  Jovi just can’t run things.  It’s undeniable.  Whatever part of her used to be able to, it must be that I got it now, and it’s time to stop thinking, and start acting.  I mean, seriously, Sam, making angels out of demons, it’s, that’s just crazy!”

“What about what Cas said…that it made some sense, to make the dangles, and the balance of power…”  Dean suddenly caring about this ongoing issue when he hadn’t cared in the slightest before felt an awful lot like a convenient excuse to Sam.

“Eh.  She’s giving Lucifer an advantage that he doesn’t deserve, you know, and um, if she and I were together, really together, I mean working together, as a team, instead of this ridiculous separation of church and state…it’s just that we could do so much more if we were together!  It’s so inefficient for us to be separated, it’s just stupid.  It’s a waste is what it is.  Us being together is the only thing that makes sense.”  Dean stopped walking and then stopped Sam with a hand to his midsection.  His tone went from faux-casual to spookily intense.  “We were made to be together, Sammy, you see, don’t you get it?  You get it, right?  She and me were literally made to be together.”  Dean seemed to be waiting for a response so Sam nodded and as he did he noticed his mouth had gone Sahara dry.  Satisfied, Dean resumed walking so Sam did too and when Dean was no longer looking his way, he gulped.  “Now come to find out she can’t even control her own people?  They’re plotting behind her back!  She needs someone to tell her what to do and make sure that her operation is running according to plan…”

“Whose plan?  Is there a plan?”  Sam suspected pointing out that Dean’s people had also been plotting behind his back would probably go over like a lead balloon.

“Well, of course there’s a plan, Sam.  My plan.  I’m the captain.  I’m steering the ship.  I know where we’re going.  Jovi just needs to get on board.  Smooth sailing.”  And with that, Dean left to go take a shower.  He shaved and trimmed his fingernails and flossed and even put some cologne on.  He didn’t wear his normal Dean clothes, he wore black Levis and a pristine white dress shirt that had a mandarin collar and real mother-of-pearl buttons and a pair of new boots.  For Dean, that was his idea of high fashion.  While the rest of them scurried around amassing angel blades and holy oil, Dean acted like he was going out on a date and Sam realized with some dismay, that in his mind, he probably was.   

And even though Sam still hated Jovi with every fiber of his being, there was a little kernel of fear in his belly.  

Not of her, not this time.  He wasn’t afraid of God.  He was a little afraid for her.


Jovi was waiting for Oriphiel when he got back.  He could see it in her face she already knew what had happened and he was thankful for that because it took that much less time to explain. “Darling, we have to go!  NOW!”  He fought a nearly irresistible urge to start flinging clothing around packing luggage, because it was silly; they could just make whatever they needed wherever they were going.

“Ori.”  She smiled at him, a small, gentle smile.  He saw both a fatalistic resignation and boundless forgiveness in her face and he wasn’t sure which of them cut deeper.  He had ruined her and she knew it and yet forgave him for it, without question.

He was such a fool.  As they say, when you shoot at the King, you’d best not miss.  And he’d not only missed, he hadn’t even taken the bloody shot!  He desperately wished he had the moment back again.  The gun had hurt Dean.  What might a shot to the brain stem have done?  If it hadn’t killed him outright, maybe it would have knocked him senseless long enough for Oriphiel to cut him into pieces and scatter those pieces all around the world where no one could find them and then toss Dean’s blonde pretty head into the Marianas Trench or something.  Yes.  That would have done nicely.  Thick layer of barnacles on that handsome face and probably conscious of every moment.


Even if Jovi would’ve been forever unhappy with Dean gone, at the least she would be alive to be unhappy. “I’ll apologize later, I’ll do penance, I’ll even go to Purgatory if you’d like, but please, please come with me!  He’ll be here any second!”

“Ori, come on.  Be realistic.  He’ll only follow us.”

“We can stay one step ahead of him!”


“He’ll get bored with the chase eventually, surely!  Dean Winchester has the attention span of a fruit fly!”

“Well, he’s not exactly Dean Winchester any more.”

Oriphiel knew that, of course; if he hadn’t truly known it before, certainly he did now.  “Please, Jovi, darling!  Please.  We have to at least try!  For my sake, please try.”  If he thought begging would have helped, he’d have begged her on hands and knees.

“It IS for your sake, Oriphiel.  If I run, if I run with you now, he’ll kill you.  And I mean forever dead.”

The thought that she might be refusing to run for what she believed to be his sake felt like a knife to his guts.  “If we stay he’ll kill YOU.”

“Maybe.  Maybe not.  I don’t think he will.  Even if he does, I guarantee you, it won’t be forever.  It might be a nice vacation, actually.  Part of me actually kind of hopes for it.  And honestly, between you and me and the lampost, it’s not a small part at all.”

“Stop talking that way!   I’ll stay and let him kill me, even if it is forever, and you go.”

“No, Oriphiel.  I couldn’t ever manage without you.”

He made a desperate sound.  There was only one other option.  “Lucifer?”  He had a beautiful vision of Dean and Lucifer tearing each other to shreds while he sneaked Jovi off to Outer Mongolia or perhaps the Gamma Quadrant.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”


“Oriphiel.  Enough.”  Her voice was stern in a way he’d never heard before and it stopped him cold.  “We were living on borrowed time, anyway, you know that, right?  He was already headed my direction.  Maybe you sped it up by a day or two – a week at the outside, but he was already on his way.  It was only a matter of time till something triggered him.”

“I should have gone through with it!”

“No.  You did the right thing.”  The right thing.  Oriphiel hated the right thing.  Doing the right thing would now cost him everything.  One way or the other.  “And I’m proud of you.  It’s ok, Ori.  It’s just Dean.  How bad could it possibly be?”

Oriphiel thought about how utterly mad Dean had looked.  Very bad.  He feared that it could be very bad indeed.


Dean, Sam, Bobby, Castiel, and Gadreel burst into Jovi’s castle as soon as they could with a minimum of preparation because Dean really didn’t think he could stand waiting any longer.  The anticipation was killing him.  He was so delighted to have the excuse finally he was practically beside himself with glee.   

He hadn’t ever been in Jovi’s place before, of course.  He’d never got an invite.  Must’ve got lost in the mail.  Huh.  He’d only ever seen it from the outside when he just so happened to be passing by now and then on his way to somewhere else.

Not that it mattered now.  Things would be made right.  

The inside of Jovi’s castle echoed with her essence.  Everything was peaceful and tasteful and color coordinated, shades of cream and gold and the classier shades of pink, with touches of green and brown that kept it from overwhelming the eye.  The halls were deserted; wherever the dangles and darkangels were, they weren’t defending the place that was for certain.  Dean felt surer than ever that he was making the right call.  If he had walked in so easily, what was stopping Lucifer?  Nothing, that’s what.  Jovi was defenseless and she needed protection and he was the only one who could give it to her.  The only one who could keep her safe.  She needed him whether she wanted him or not.

They made their way through empty corridors to a huge, high-ceilinged throne room with a raised set of platforms at the far end.  On the highest sat a queenly throne made from ebony wood.  The blackness of the ebony stuck out like a sore thumb against the cream-gold-pink.  It was so black it felt like it was siphoning off light from the room.  It was hers; he swore he could sense the remnants of her essence coming off of it.  The throne was carved with flowers.  Dean couldn’t see the flowers from where he was, he could only see a distant blur, but he just knew it was flowers.   

A lower platform had two more humble thrones upon it side by side – barely thrones, more like chairs, really, and the lowest still had an even plainer one, so small and spindly-legged it seemed like practically a folding chair.  Dean surmised that this throne belonged to the least popular of Jovi’s darkangels, whoever they were.  A set of steps ran up the middle of the platforms, covered with a pale rose carpet.  The carpet looked soft and deep and welcoming and Dean decided later on once he’d won, he’d slip off his boots and walk up and down those steps barefoot in triumph.  

Dean felt a surge of power in the air and got his hopes up, but disappointingly, Crowley and fricking Ruby, RUBY!!! appeared in the humble side-by-side thrones.  Sam gaped at the appearance of his former demon squeeze.  A moment later Metatron appeared in the lowest throne.  Crowley, Ruby, and Metatron.  Jovi’s darkangels.  That’s nice.  “Really?”

Metatron grinned evilly.  The man was a rodent. “She works in mysterious ways.”

Gadreel seethed, Sam seethed, and Dean found himself seething a little himself.  Crowley he’d been able to explain away as convenience, but Ruby and Metatron?  Darkangels? Jovi had to have done it deliberately just to give him a big ol’ FU.

Ruby and Sam barely exchanged a glance.  She rolled her eyes and cast her attention towards Dean instead.   “What do you WANT, Winchesterrrr-s, plural?

“I’m just here to talk, Ruby.  I don’t want trouble, but I want to see Jovi.  I need to see her.  We can’t just go on like this, working in opposition to each other.  We have to at least be in communication, in case of… I don’t know.  Emergency?”

Crowley, naturally, didn’t want that to happen.  “You can’t see her.  She doesn’t want to see you!”

Dean sniffed, offended.  He was fighting his raging jealousy and the words flew out of his mouth before he could stop them.  “Is she seeing Lucifer?” Grr.  What was the point of being God if you couldn’t even stop words from emerging from your mouth, seriously.

Crowley went ballistic over that.  Apoplectic.  Ruby calmly a sputtering Crowley into silence with a gesture and responded to Dean’s accusation.  “Why do you care, exactly?”

“Curiosity.  I’d like to know if there’s a plot brewing against me.”

Ruby didn’t buy his carefully crafted explanation at all.  She rolled her brown eyes.  “Curiosity.  That killed the cat, you know.”

Before Dean could come up with a clever retort, Metatron sniffed disdainfully, as if he found the entire accusation offensive.  “You know nothing about her, Dean, if you think for a moment that she’d plot with Lucifer.”  Weasel.

“Well, I’d like to hear that from her.  You and I don’t exactly have a firm basis for a trusting relationship, Metatron.”

Metatron grinned from ear to ear.  “I knew you wouldn’t stay dead, Dean.  And it was such a good plot twist.” 

Plot twist.  I’ll twist your plot you little…“Crowley, please.  I know you’re still in there somewhere.  Help a brother out.”

“It’s Oriphiel.  We have our orders.  And she has her reasons.”

“Then I’m gonna come in swinging.  And she will lose, and she’ll have no choice but to listen to me then, whether she wants to or not.”

Jovi appeared beside her throne.  She’d been crying, sobbing by the looks of it; black trails ran all down her cheeks from eye makeup.  Dean couldn’t help but react to it.  He didn’t want to make her cry.  Why wouldn’t she just behave herself, why was she making him do this?  Ruby stood up to shield her mistress, as if to shield Jovi from him…from him, why?…and magically fixed Jovi’s appearance by wiping away the tears, carrying the ruined makeup away as she stroked Jovi’s cheeks with her thumbs.  The women exchanged nods and then Ruby stepped aside.  Jovi stepped forward, dejected, defeated, but still the brightest light in the room.  Every eye was drawn to her; after all, she was God, the great and powerful.  She straightened her shoulders bravely even as her hands nervously clutched two fists full of the long, full skirt of her dress, which was so dark green it was nearly black. “Let’s fight.”

The room filled suddenly with Jovi’s dangles, nearly all of whom Dean recognized as former demons the Winchesters had faced in the past.  Dean took it all in.  Even Yelloweyes was there.  Sam looked at Dean in disbelief but he couldn’t believe it himself.  How could she?  HOW COULD SHE.  Resurrecting demons at all was bad enough, but how dare she resurrect the demon that had killed his mother, his grandmother, the monster who had killed Jess and fed Sam demon blood when he was a defenseless baby?  He couldn’t even believe she’d do such a thing.  Dean felt himself start to lose control and struggled to keep it.  “You’d rather fight a battle you can’t win, than talk to me for 5 minutes, Jovi?”


“Well, that’s mature.”  Jovi simply shrugged, helplessly.  Why didn’t she have more backbone?  Or less?  What was wrong with her?  Why did she have to be both so annoyingly stubborn and disobedient, but at the same time so weak-willed that he couldn’t respect her, couldn’t just step back and trust her to run her own life and take care of herself?  Why was she forcing him to control her due to her constant and unremitting ineptitude, and yet holding it against him when he tried?  All he was trying to do was save her from herself, why couldn’t she see that?  “So be it.” Dean focused for a moment and his angels appeared.  He hadn’t gotten creative, himself; he hadn’t had the time.  He’d simply had Castiel and Bobby remake the old angels who had perished along the way.  It just made sense to him to do it that way, since they already knew how to be angels and he didn’t have to train them.

Jovi apparently found this concept tedious.  “You really have no imagination, do you?  Like, zero, nada, zilch.”

“I don’t need any.”  He disappeared and reappeared in front of Jovi, grabbed both her upper arms in his hands and disappeared again.  They appeared outside, away from the others, in Jovi’s garden where no one could intervene. “…because I have all the power.”

Jovi headbutted him for his trouble, broke away and ran.  Her forehead could only reach up to his chin.  It stung a little.  Dean grinned, finding he was warming up to the idea of this fight in a big way.  He took his time following after her.  Because she couldn’t go far.  When he’d laid his hands on her just then, the waterfall that pushed him towards her became a black hole pulling him and he understood he could simply let go, let the gravity have its way with him, and it would carry him to whereever she ran.  He had all the time in the universe.


The angels raised a loud cry and attacked each other.  Chaos ensued as blade met blade and the throne room became a war zone.  Castiel turned to Sam. “I’m concerned for your safety, Sam.  But I can’t leave the fight.  I promised Dean.”  Castiel had to fight, every molecule of glory within his being vibrated with the need to fight.  But Sam was alone, defenseless, and what a coup it would be for a dangle to take out a Winchester.

Gabriel suddenly appeared.  “I’ll keep an eye on him, Brother.”

Castiel could not believe that Gabriel still hadn’t picked sides.  “You won’t fight?  Still?”

“On which side, Castiel?  And why?  All this is meaningless.  The real fight has just been moved to a different venue.  And it’s equally meaningless.  Jovi’s already lost.  She lost when she created him.  And she knew that.”

Castiel couldn’t understand what Gabriel was saying.  She lost when she created him? What did that mean?  She wanted it to come to this?  Jovi wanted to lose?  But she was God, and God was destined to win.  Wasn’t she?  “Then why?  Why is she doing this?”

“Castiel, you realize, don’t you? Haven’t you put it together yet?  This isn’t a fight.  It’s suicide by cop.”

It felt true, but Castiel did not want to believe it.  “No? No!”

“Think about it, Cas.  She made him, then denied him, then abandoned him.  Maybe she’s even helping his archenemy, for all he knows.  She’s got him so worked up about her he’s damn near lost his mind and he’s damn near lost his mind anyway because of how she created him.  You’ve been here as long as me, my brother, she doesn’t do things like this on accident.  She never has.  It’s a setup, dude.”

“She’s provoking Dean to kill her?  Sam, do you think this could be true?”

Sam furrowed his brow.  This drew Gabriel’s wrath for some reason Castiel didn’t understand.  Gabriel had always been better at reading human faces than Castiel was; to Castiel, human expressions were like clouds crossing the sky.  He might be able to tell when there was a thunderstorm coming or when the weather was clear, but most of the time he had no idea what weather patterns the clouds signified.  “Oh, concerned now, are ya, Sam? A little of that concern, that empathy, somewhere along the way might have made all the difference.  Now it’s too little, too late.”

“Can’t we do something?  To stop them?”

“What could you, or I, even do?  Heard the whole, unstoppable force, immovable object thing, right?  Don’t get in between em.”

“I don’t know, warn Dean!  If he doesn’t understand…”

Castiel was confused.  “But Sam? I thought we…wanted her dead?”  Castiel had never, of course.  He never wanted Jovi dead.  But Sam did.  Or he thought Sam did?  Maybe he had misunderstood.  Humans were confusing.  For his part, Castiel had simply thought eliminating Jovi was the only way, their last, best chance to restore Dean to himself.  Castiel missed human Dean so badly sometimes he didn’t think he could bear it.

“Not like this, Cas.  I don’t think Dean could forgive ever himself.  We have to…I don’t know…tell him what she has planned!”

Gabriel laughed bitterly.  “How do you know that’s not exactly what Dean’s endgame is, here?  “Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.””

Castiel tried very hard not to find that scenario plausible, but couldn’t, quite. “Dean would not do that, Gabriel. Not ever.”  As he said it, he wondered if he was lying.

“Because he’s been acting so normal and everything?” Gabriel looked over Castiel’s shoulder and gestured with his chin.  That was a gesture Castiel understood, it meant that someone was coming up behind him.  Castiel turned, finding that Ruby was coming at him with an archangel blade raised.  

Of course Ruby would be the one; surely she would love nothing better than killing Sam Winchester personally.  At the last moment Castiel dodged quickly left and Gabriel, also in her path, disappeared out of the way, reappearing again a few feet to the side.   Her blade plunged into the wall, useless.


As Ruby struggled to pull her angel blade free, Castiel took the opportunity to engage her.  Ruby and Castiel began to grapple hand to hand and while Gabriel wasn’t a coward, per se, he didn’t really want to hang out as the sole disinterested party in the midst of a heavenly war zone, either.  “Kiddo, I think we ought to skedaddle.  I’m as susceptible to an errant blade as I am one meant for me.  And I don’t know if anyone is going to be here to remake me in a little while.”

“We have to stop him, Gabriel.  He’d never forgive himself.”  The earnestness coming off the guy, sheesh.  It was mindboggling, all things considered.

“One of the things I find fascinating about you Winchesters, both of ya, is how many times you say you’ll never forgive yourself and then 2 weeks later it’s like it never even happened and you never mention whatever it was, whoever it was, again.  Makes me wonder how much you really, like, value, the rest of us bit players.”

“I have to try.”

“I heard tell you were trying to kill our girl God just a few minutes ago.   Changed your mind about the necessity of that?”

“I.  I haven’t, to be honest.  In the long term.”

“Well, he’s the best weapon you’re ever going to have, Sam.”

“Yeah, I know but…But tell me this, Gabriel – if he’s the one who does it, Dean himself…if he’s the one?  How can he ever come back from that?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes, barely able to comprehend the notion that Sam still thought Dean COULD come back, that this was all going to end up with the two of them rolling out in the Impala to fight demons like nothing had ever happened.  But convincing a Winchester of anything they didn’t want to hear was like beating your head against a brick wall.  He attempted to disappear with Sam, but didn’t go anywhere.  He tried again, and failed again.  He reached out and explored the energy holding him, even though he already knew it would be Jovi.  “She’s keeping us here, Sam. She means it.”  Gabriel was temporarily overcome with emotion.  Sam closed his eyes a moment.  His lips moved. “What are you doing?”

“Praying, I guess.  Trying to contact Dean.”  

Gabriel examined the idea and found it sound.  “If he hears anyone, it’ll be you.  Keep it up.  I’ll buy you as much time as I can.”  Feeling like a sentimental fool, Gabriel stepped up to engage a couple of Jovi’s hybrids…dangles, as the Winchesters called them…headed toward Sam.


Dean followed Jovi out of her garden into the deep woods that bordered it.  She was nowhere to be seen but he knew she was there just as he knew his arm was there.  She was an attachment, an appendage.  He called to her, making his voice loud enough so it could be heard for miles.  “You can’t run away, Jovi.  I feel you.  You’re always there.  I could track you down if you were a million light years away.  And it would take me less than a heartbeat.”  Jovi popped out of thin air in front of him and attempted to fight but her blows were absolutely ineffective.  He barely felt them.  Dean grabbed her fist in midswing.  “Jovi, listen, I don’t want to fight. I’m enjoying the hell out of it for some reason, but I don’t want to.”  He was, too, enjoying it.  He felt happier than he’d felt in months.

“I have nothing to say to you.  Just leave me alone!”

With a kick to his shin, she broke away again, disappearing and reappearing behind him, armed with a small, lightweight jeweled sword.  Before she could strike at him, Dean manifested his own sword from nowhere.  It was slim and long like a samurai sword, completely undecorated and utterly deadly.  He was unaware of any conscious thought, the blade was simply there in his hand, and he spun to easily block her blow.  They exchanged a few halfhearted thrusts but Jovi was completely outclassed. 

Even though swordfighting wasn’t even one of the things he’d studied, he was immediately better at it than she was.  She had had trillions of years to exist and he was only like 10 minutes old and he was still better at practically everything.  What did she even DO all day?  

Dean couldn’t help but find it it all very amusing. “Pretty feisty for somebody so…pitiful.”  He struck at her using a fraction of his strength, really holding back, but even that was enough so Jovi was thrown back onto her heels.  Before she could regain her footing, Dean was already upon her.  Without meaning to, he sliced her cheek open with the tip of the blade.  Careless, so careless, always he was so careless.  He recoiled, shocked, and threw his sword away to the side.  It vanished as it hit the ground and Dean resolved not to call it back again no matter what.  “I’m sorry!” Jovi responded by holding her sword to his throat.  Dean laughed and she pressed the blade harder, enough to hurt.  “Ok, ok!”  He pretended he was putting his hands up in defeat, but instead he grabbed her arm, the arm holding the sword, at the wrist before she got any bright ideas about trying to finish the job, not that she could.  He heard an audible crack as the bones broke beneath his fingers.  She gasped in pain as he forced her to her knees.   Her sword fell to the ground and he obliterated with a glance. “I’m going to heal you.”

“Don’t do me any favors!”

Dean started to heal her, but then he hesitated.  She sent him a challenging look.  He echoed her words to him the day they’d met.   “I just want to give you a taste of what it means to disobey me.  Pain.”

“My life has been pain!  This is nothing to me! A hangnail!”  Jovi’s eyes narrowed with purpose and Dean felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.  She’d called down lighting from the clear black sky.  At the last second he raised a protective dome around them like the one she’d made when they were in Hell, and the lightning arced around them and into the ground.  As the lightning flashed he realized he was still holding her broken arm in his hand, none too gently.   And he realized he was ok with that.

“What else you got, Jovi?  I’m ready for whatever you want to throw at me.  Water, fire, earth, any other elements you got up your sleeve?  I’d rather talk, though.”  She still refused to yield.  Dean smiled, admiring the moxie, then squeezed her arm so hard he could feel the ends of the bone at the break grinding together through her skin.  He could rip her hand right off if he wanted to.  She gasped, gasped, gasped, but still she wouldn’t surrender.  A tear came from the corner of one eye and snaked down her cheek.  His heart gave a little twitch, guilt and sympathy and self-disgust, and he realized he had had enough.  It had been fun, but now fun time was over. 

Time for the ace in the hole. 

He glowed from head to foot, holding nothing back, unleashing his full glory onto her. She had no choice but to worship him and as she gave in she sobbed quietly, defeated.  She tried to prostrate herself, wanted bury her face into the dirt as she should, but he had hold of her wrist and wouldn’t let her look away.  She ignored him long enough, now she would look at him till he said otherwise.

Dean took a great satisfaction in knowing, finally knowing, she’d told him the truth, that she really did have to worship him and he was under no compulsion to return the favor because if he had been, she’d have played the same trick on him he was playing on her.  “I’m sorry, I know that’s cheating.” He had a thought, a thought he knew he shouldn’t indulge, but it was a thought he couldn’t resist.  “Glow for me.”


“It’s your game, Jovi.  You made the rules.  It’s not my fault I’m better at it than you are.  That was what you wanted, wasn’t it?  Someone who could actually beat you?”  Jovi said nothing and Dean gave her broken arm another squeeze.  A good strong one with a vicious little twist at the end.  She screamed and squirmed and he still wouldn’t let her look away from him.  “You know what they say, Jovi.  Be careful what you wish for.  Now glow, because I told you to, and I’m the boss of you.”

Jovi didn’t like it, not at all, but she obeyed him because she had no choice.  Dean fell to his knees worshipfully, not because he had to, but because he wanted to, and as he did, he willed that Jovi’s cheek heal.  He could feel the small bones in her wrist beneath his palm knitting together again, felt the veins and arteries he’d ruined becoming whole.  He released her arm and she pulled it to her chest protectively, rubbing it with her other hand.  The glow faded from both of them and as it did they looked at each other and Dean could tell she felt it the same way he did.  She felt it too.  No playing.  Jovi pulled out of the moment and turned away to sit on the grass, hugging her knees to her chest and resting her cheek on her thigh.  Dean stayed on his knees beside her.  Up close he could see her green dress was made of crushed velvet and he wanted to touch it to see what it felt like, imagined running his fingertips across it.  

He grimaced for a moment as the voices in his head intruded.  “Shut up, Sam.” He looked at Jovi and shook his head. “Do they EVER shut up?”

“No.  If you go far enough away, it’s…it’s better.”

Dean considered this as he shifted position from his knees to sit beside her.  It felt like her proximity was helping, somehow, bringing him back to himself again.  With every second that passed he felt more reasonable and tolerant and patient and he he realized he hadn’t felt any of those things for some time.  With a chill, he understood how far gone he’d been.  “Why do you keep trying to get rid of me?  Why do you keep pushing me away?  Pride?”

“No.  I’m…I’m afraid for you, Dean.   And I’m afraid OF you.”  

“You should have come when I called you, Jovi.  And you would’ve had no reason to be afraid.”  

“I’m not afraid for my sake, you idiot.  I’m afraid of what you’re going to do to my creation.”

He wanted to argue, to reassure her, but given what he actually had done, Dean realized it was a fair concern.  A different question occurred to him. “Why am I so drawn to you?  Is that something you’re doing to me?”

“No.  It’s happening to me too, Dean.  That’s why I’ve been trying so hard to stay away.  Once…once I realized, I knew I had to stay away from you.  Because if I was with you, I’d try to keep you, even if the price I have to pay for it is Earth.  You would destroy Earth right before my eyes and I…I would let you.  It’s like a compulsion, to be with you.  I thought if it didn’t work out with you, it would be like a bad blind date that I would laugh about later.  Not…not like this.  It hurts so much.”

“I had to attack you…because…because I had to see you.”

For a perfect moment, Jovi was comically oblivious to how twisted it sounded.  “Oh, that’s so sweet.” She gave Dean an adoring look that felt like a treasure and he wished it could last.  But then it faded, as he’d known it would, as she regained self-control.  She had so much self-control, he hated her for it.  Send a little of that my way, wouldya lady?  “No it’s not, it’s horrible.  I messed up when I made you, Dean.  So bad.”

“Are you sure, Jovi?  Was it really a mistake, or are we…just going about things wrong?”

It was as if he hadn’t even spoken.  “Surprise, surprise.  Something I did went terribly bad.”  She hesitated, trying to find the words to explain. “I always had this duality of nature, Dean.  What a human would call, male and female spirit.  I’ve always been both.  I made the life that I created, in the male or female image but I never…I never fully separated out the energies themselves before.  I never truly divided male from female.  The beings I made are like tiny pieces of me, so they’ve always had elements of both.  My energy, my essence is…it’s not…used to being divided.  It’s been together for over 17 trillion years and…I don’t think it likes being split up like this.”

Dean agreed.   It made sense, what she was saying.  “Doesn’t like it at all.”

“It’s worse than that though.  I think you, well, both of us really, but especially you, Dean, you’re…out of balance.  The part that I gave to you is the judge, jury, and executioner.  The vengeance.  The, “an eye for an eye”.  I gave it all to you because I didn’t want the responsibility for it any more.  I gave it all to you because it makes me sad and I’m tired of being sad.  And I kept the other half, the nurturing, the forgiving part, the soft and fluffy, for myself because I’m greedy and I didn’t want to give any of that up.  So who you are now is not being tempered by anything other than just a very cold and inflexible sense of rationality, and your, I mean, Dean Winchester’s, humanity.  Whatever’s left of it.”

“I’m still Dean Winchester.”

“I hope so.  I loved Dean Winchester.  But I don’t know who you are.”

“I am what you made me to be.  What you wanted.  The most dangerous creature you ever made, Jovi, is a human male, and I am that, a million times over.  They are stone cold killers.  I was a killer when I was a human.  They’ve killed so much, and so much of what they kill is smaller and weaker than themselves.  They even kill the people they love.  When I think about it, it amazes me that women would even want to be around men.  You’d have to be insane. Like kissing a loaded gun.”  Jovi closed her eyes and tensed up, as if she was afraid to hear what he was going to say next. “I think women – which, you are, now, Jovi, in case you forgot – are either incredibly brave, or totally crazy.  You must be like lion tamers, you know, the kind that stick their heads right into a lion’s mouth.  Why would anybody do that, unless they wanted to be bitten, a little?” He found the situation amusing in spite of himself and grinned a half-grin.   “If I’m messed up and out of balance, then you’re right there with me, sister. Two halves of the same sick coin.”

Jovi admitted it.  “I know.”

“Can you stop what’s happening to me?”

“You and Sam, always looking for the quick fix.  The magic that will just be like poof, ok everything back to normal.  Yay, happily ever after.  But, Dean, the real work of creation is slow and tedious, and it takes a really long time and a whole lot of effort.  You are going to have to learn how to handle…this.  You have to learn control, not to go all Yoda on you or whatever, but you do.  It’s not going to be easy and I think you’re going to fail more often than you succeed.  And every time you fail, people are gonna die.  Lots.” Dean considered the notion.  Not the answer he’d been hoping for.  But he wasn’t entirely surprised by it.  “When I was where you are now, Dean, I killed off the entire population of the world…repeatedly.  Everybody hears about the flood, about Sodom and Gomorrah, but there were other times.  Plenty of other times.  So I could start over and get it right. But you know what I learned eventually, is that there IS no getting it right.  The humans have to stand or fall on their own.  We can’t fix what isn’t broken.  They aren’t broken, Dean.  They’re just.  Human.”

“They’re so messy, though.  And it’s so tempting to just…clean up a little.”

“I know.  But it never works, Dean.  They are what they are.  They’re good at life.   I made them to be good at life.  It’s just that being good at life has side effects.”

“Everything seems to have side effects.”

“It does, at that.  What we see as imperfection, Dean, is part and parcel of humanity.  And our job is to love them anyway and forgive them for that.”

“But you got that part, Jovi.  The love, the forgiveness?  What if I don’t have enough? ”

“Then we’re screwed.”  Jovi stopped talking and thought for a while.  “I can’t destroy you, and if you destroy me, if you even can, you’ll be too depleted to stand against whatever Lucifer has planned – for thousands of years afterwards.  He will rule the world until you regain your strength.  Then my creation would be even worse off than it is now.  A world with Lucifer on one side and you on the other. Humans and angels will be crushed between you.  And, Dean, you realize, I hope, that if you destroy me, there’s no guarantee my energy would go back into you anyway.  It might just dissipate, become part of the universe.  It might even go into him.”  

“Huh.  Do you think I’ll end up just as bad as Lucifer?”

“No, of course not, you dork, but a lot of evil gets done in the name of unbending, uncompromising good.  I’m so, so sorry, Dean.  I can predict so much, but then when it comes to my own behavior, I have this massive blind spot.”  She sighed and plucked at the grass beneath her with her fingers.  Her nails were coated with glittering polish, the same dark green as her dress.  “I’m trying to hang on so I can help you if I can, however I can, but I was barely hanging on before.  I just want…to end.  To die.  I think that’s the real reason why I made you.  I’ll help you defeat Lucifer for all eternity, and then I want you to end my existence, too.”    

“I don’t ever want you any further from me than you are right now, Jovi.  Not even that far.  I can tell you right now I will never.  I will never do that and I don’t ever want you to ask me again.  The very idea causes me physical pain.”

“It would be a mercy killing, Dean.  Really.  They shoot horses, don’t they?”

“Jovi, hear me.  Never speak those words again.  They are forbidden to you.” Jovi breathed through her nose, disappointed.  “I won’t control your thoughts…”

“You can’t control my thoughts.”

“Well, I haven’t tried.  But I will not hear those words again.”  Dean understood, at least a little, how deep it ran, how tired and sad and defeated Jovi really was.  “Maybe I can help you, too.  This isn’t a one way street.  Maybe I can make you happy.  Let me try.”

“What you feel is irrelevant.  What we feel.  It’s not real.  It’s empty.  Meaningless.  You don’t really have feelings for me.  It’s just the energy pushing us together.”   

“I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

“You made it pretty clear at first that you weren’t interested.  And that was when you were in control of your faculties, as much as Dean Winchester was ever in charge of his faculties.”  She laughed through her nose and Dean couldn’t help but grin wryly.  “I’m just saying, for me to believe what you say now over what you said then, because it’s what I wanted to hear…it feels like taking advantage.”

“I didn’t know you then.” 

“You don’t know me NOW, Dean.  I loved you because I knew you, I knew your whole life.  The good, the bad, and the…karaoke.”

“You’re wrong, Jovi.  I do know you. I look around the world and everything in it, everything amazing and beautiful and infinitely complicated, you made it.  A flower, a snowflake, sunrise…the taste of chocolate.  And I and I alone know how you did it.  The time and the care and the thought you put into it.  The effort, and pain, that it took you?  Into making the smallest grain of sand.  Everything in the universe, I can see how you touched it.  I can’t imagine I could know anyone better.”

“You’re justifying it, that’s all.  It’s no different than if I forced you to love me.  And I don’t force people to love me.  I decided that a long time ago.”

“Tch.  We’re all just victims of circumstance when it comes to love anyway.  Who does a guy end up with in the human world, Jovi?  The girl next door, or at work, or on the barstool beside him.  Random chance puts two people in the same place at the same time when they’re at a place in their lives when they’re looking for someone.  Attraction is programmed by genetics and life experience, and a relationship is just attraction plus opportunity.”

“You’re entirely too smart now.  You’re messing with my head.”

Dean felt a rising sense of panic.  “I have to be.  I have to stop you.  I have to keep you.  It’s too much for me to go through without you.  Lucifer’s getting stronger and eventually he could maybe get strong enough to really hurt you.  And maybe you’d even…you’d even let that happen, you’d ask him to do it, if I won’t.  He could get strong enough and you might let it happen.  You’re scaring me with the stuff you’re saying, Jovi.  And nowadays, when I get scared, I get really, really angry.”

“Dean…Let me go, then.  Instead.  It will be easier if I go.  If you don’t want to leave Earth, it’s ok.  I’ll go far away and I’ll make a new world, if this one means that much to you.  I wanted to hang onto it because I’m sentimental and it took me for-freaking-ever to make it, but you can have it.  I guess.”

Dean refused to listen any more.  “No.  No.  I understand what you’re saying and I can control this, Jovi, I swear to you I can, but I need your help.  If you have the love and forgiveness, then help me.  Be my better half.  Tell me when to act and when to lay off.  I will listen to you, Jovi, I promise.  It’ll be, so much better if you stay.  For everyone.”

“You don’t know that.  It may be worse.  Something bad could happen.  It could destroy us both.  It could destroy the entire world for all we know.”

“I don’t care.  We can make a new world.  This was a stupid world anyway.  No offense. We should let Lucifer have it.”  Jovi didn’t approve, tensed up and took a breath of air and cocked her little head from side to side in an attempt to disapparate, but nothing happened.   She started to panic.  Dean gave her a sympathetic look as it dawned on her.  “Yeah, I stuck ya here. Sorry.”

“You can’t…!”

“I just did.  I give you the gift of sleep, Jovi.  Sleep.”  Jovi blinked, struggling to keep her eyes open, overcome with the irresistible urge to sleep for the first time in her heartbreakingly long lifetime.  Dean caught her as she fell to the side and pulled her to sprawl across his lap.  He ran his fingers up and down the sleeve of her dress like he’d wanted to and could feel her warmth coming through the soft fabric.  He was sorely tempted to just stay there for awhile, hold her in his arms, look up at the stars, the smell of the woods in his nose and the sounds of nature in his ears.  Sorely tempted.  But he had a war he had to get back to. 

They reappeared back in Jovi’s fortress, up on the dais where her throne was.  Jovi was cradled in Dean’s arms, limp, looking dead.  But Dean didn’t realize how it looked, so he just stood there dramatically and waited for everyone to react.

At first Sam, the only entity in the room who wasn’t actively fighting, was the only one who noticed them.   Dean could see in his brother’s face he was shocked, horrified, disbelieving, and Dean knew what he was thinking – but then again Sammy was always  little slow on the uptake.  Let him wonder, Dean thought.  As the battle raged, Dean raised a new throne beside Jovi’s – his throne, taller and larger, and clearly above hers, in every way.  Folks needed a reminder about who was really in charge here.  He made the darkangels’ thrones disappear because who wanted those clowns hanging around?   He glanced around and the feminine quality of Jovi’s castle vanished, replaced by dark wood, stone, metal.   It was his castle now.  Theirs, but you know.  His.

He noticed that many of his angels had fallen, so he brought them back to life and healed their injuries.  He even brought back the dangles since Jovi seemed to like them.  As the environment changed before their very eyes, the heavenly hosts gradually stopped fighting to gape at Dean.  Believing Jovi dead, all the angels, both Jovi’s and Dean’s, reacted with great sadness.  They keened as one, wailing and crying, and Dean realized finally it must look to them the way it looked to Sam.  In the crowd he spotted Crowley hurrying to Castiel, beseeching him with his expression, but Castiel was equally stricken. 


Seriously?  They all really thought he would kill Jovi?  Really?  FFS.  “The war is OVER!  Stop fighting and get out!”  Everyone in the room had a comical moment of hesitation.

Dean repeated himself, inhumanly loud.  “Get OUT!!”  It wasn’t a command, not yet anyway.

After a few moments, angels and dangles started to disappear, one by one.  The archangels and Sam declined Dean’s request, or maybe they thought it didn’t apply to them.  As beings disappeared around them, they shrunk together into a cluster in the center of the room, almost as if they were circling the wagons, almost as if they were gonna make a last stand or something.  Against him.  It was pretty funny, really.  Dean wondered what it was exactly they planned to do.  So he listened in.  Sam pleaded with Gabriel. “Did he…did he…he couldn’t have…could he?”

Gabriel seemed stunned himself.  “I don’t know.”

Bobby, faithful as always, was still not ready to believe it.   “He wouldn’t have.  He wouldn’t have.”

Castiel shook his head, sadly.  “You have more faith than me, my friend.”

And that was enough of that.  If even Cas was doubting him, Dean realized, things had gone far enough.  He jumped across the room and landed in their midst, soft as a cat, with Jovi still cradled in his arms, sound asleep.  He was so gentle he didn’t disturb her at all, and that just goes to show he DID have self-control after all.  So there.  Crowley snarled at him.  “I’ll kill you, Winchester, I don’t know how, but I will kill you.”  He made as if to rush Dean but Ruby quickly and wisely snaked her arm through Crowley’s to stop him.

“Don’t be stupid, stupid.”  Dean despised Ruby, but she wasn’t dumb.  He would have killed Crowley, no hesitation, killed him forever dead, if Ruby wouldn’tve stepped in.  “He wouldn’t have killed her, Ori, at least not permanently.  He wants her alive.”  Crowley pondered the implications and he worked his jaw. 

“She’s alive, Crowley.  Oriphiel.  And…I’ll take care of her.  I promise.”  In spite of himself Dean felt a little sorry for the guy.  He was really the big loser of the day.

“She’s not breathing!”  Crowley ground his teeth and clenched his fists.

“We don’t always have to breathe.  But she is alive, Crowley, I swear to you.  She’s just sleeping.  I made her sleep.”

“He gave her a roofie.”  Ruby figured she had it all figured out.  And maybe she did.  Dean glared at Ruby for a long and chilling moment and then laughed.

“She’s…she’s tired, Ruby.  She’s been awake a long time.  She needs to rest.  And no one understands that feeling better than me.”  Gabriel sent a querying look Dean’s way. “She asked me…asked me to.  She asked me to kill her…and I said no.  Even if I wanted to, and I don’t, I can’t spare the power.  She’s safer with me, even if she’s not too happy about it, than she is on her own, Gabriel.  She could…in this frame of mind, I think she could go to Lucifer.”  Gabriel made a face as he connected the dots.  “I know you guys have your concerns.  I understand why.   I understand I haven’t exactly been…my best self lately.  But I think Jovi and me, we need to help each other get through this transition.  I’ll keep her alive and she’ll keep me…human.”  Dean meant it as a joke, but it fell flat.  He looked away for a moment, no longer sure what that word human even meant.  But Jovi knew, and that was gonna have to be enough.  “Get out of here, go far away.  Don’t come back.  None of you come back here again unless we invite you.  It’s not safe to be around us right now, I don’t think.  We need rest.  And peace.  We have to learn to work together, and it’s not gonna be easy.  We’ll be in touch when we’re needed.”

For his part, Gabriel couldn’t wait to leave.  He liked the humans too much, Dean idly thought.  Best to keep an eye on that.  He made a mental note.  “Sounds like a plan, Dad.  Take all the time you need.  Like, take extra time, why don’t you?  Catch ya hopefully several thousand miles down the road, maybe in a century or two.  Or ten.”  And with that he was gone.

Sam was not going to give up that easily, of course.  “Dean…”

“Adam’s waking up, Sammy.  Be the big brother for awhile.”

“What?  You’re sending me away?  Me?  No!”

Suddenly, Dean felt very weary.  His mitochondria were begging him to take five.  “Sam, it’s a lot of energy for one meat puppet to contain and I need…solitude, I guess you could say.  I can’t maintain the level of control I need to be around you plus do all the other things I have to do right now.  Having people around me is very draining, and Sammy, you are the single most draining person I know.”  Sam snorted bitterly and shook his head.  “Please, Sam, just don’t fight me. Not this time.”  Dean turned to Ruby and nodded her direction. “You’re human.”  Then he set his sights on Metatron. “You’re a gerbil.”

Ruby gasped, shocked into speechlessness as her wings shrank away into nothing.  She leapt away from Crowley to grab at herself, catching only a handful of feathers as her angelic nature evaporated.  “No, no no, no!  Oh!  God DAMN it!” she whined, looking at the remains of her wings with a stricken expression. 

Metatron didn’t have time to say anything.  He morphed into a gerbil in a ball and started skittering around.  Gadreel laughed.

Dean tried to explain to Sam about Ruby.  “I always thought you two made a…” He searched for the right words.  “…a cute couple?”  Sigh. “That expression is beneath my dignity.  The circumstances were not right before, but things are different now.  Maybe you two can work it out.  Or not.  You have free will.  Enjoy it, Sammy.  Surprise me.”

Neither Sam nor Ruby seemed particularly enthusiastic about that idea.  Sam protested. “Dean…”

But Dean had had his fill.  “Bobby, Cas, get him out of here.  Everybody, out.  Aren’t you supposed to obey me, or whatever?  Or do I need to get my wrath on?”  Bobby and Castiel looked a little sad, because it was an ending and endings are sad.  But they obeyed even as Sam started to struggle.  They disappeared, taking Ruby with them.   

Crowley lingered as Dean had known he would.  “I guess this is goodbye, Squirrel.”

“Let’s keep that nickname between you and me, ok Crowley?”

Crowley stifled a bitter laugh.  “It’s Oriphiel.  Take care of her, eh?”

“If I can’t, you’ll be the first person I call.”  Dean could see his friend’s Adam’s apple move as he swallowed.  Crowley was his friend, Dean knew that now.  He felt kinda terrible about the whole ear thing all of a sudden.  The darkangel stared at Jovi for a long moment but then he disappeared finally, and lucky for him too since even though Dean had some regrets, he was starting to get pissed off.

Gadreel, oddly since Dean barely knew the guy, was the last to go.  He picked up the hamster ball containing Metatron and peered into it.  “Can I have him?” 

“He’s all yours.”

Gadreel tucked the ball under his arm and disappeared.

And with that, Dean was alone, but not really alone.  Not ever really alone again.

Dean disappeared his boots and socks and carried Jovi up the stairs to his throne on the dais.  The plush rose carpet felt just as good on his bare feet as he’d thought it was gonna and he was glad he’d left it behind when he got rid of all the rest of the pink.  He blinked and It’s Good to be King began to play.   

It seemed fitting. 

He sprawled in the throne, which was uncomfortable as crap, so he turned it into a La-Z-Boy by tipping his head slightly to the left.  Better.  He popped the footstool up with a twitch of his little baby toe. 

He could have done it all without even moving anything but he was wore out.

Jovi slept on his lap, her upper body cradled against his chest.  He buried his fingers in her hair and realized he’d wanted to do that since the first second he’d seen her.  He thought about how he’d liked her pink hair so he switched it back again.   She wouldn’t mind, probably.

His other elbow rested on the stuffed arm of the chair, his forearm sticking up in the air.  Dean had an urge and a cheeseburger appeared in his free hand.  He bit into it, a massive bite, and it was delicious.  Extra bacon.  Extra cheese.  Extra gooey.

Dean stared into space while he chewed and while he found the responsibility of being God and everything did weigh on him some, overall he was pretty darn satisfied with his new existence.

Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 13 – Crazy on You

Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 13 – Crazy on You

He couldn’t believe Jovi hadn’t come.  Dean had killed 14 million people directly or indirectly, had tried very hard to kill himself, had even finally mastered a freaking dodo for cripes’ sake, and she still didn’t come.  

What more did a guy have to do?

Beyond wanting, which seemed such a lily-livered word for it – he “wanted” a beer, he “wanted” a Kit Kat bar – Dean craved seeing Jovi.  He had never “wanted” something so bad as he wanted to be in the same place as Jovi even if it was for only like 10 seconds. Just a glimpse would be enough, he figured.  He felt with every fiber of his being that if he could only just set his eyes upon her, then he would see she was nothing special.  The feeling of desperate longing that had seized him could surely be alleviated if only he could see her and remind herself that she was not anything special, not at all.  

The irony was, that even though she wouldn’t see him, everywhere Dean looked, he saw her.  Something she had made, something she had touched.  Her fingerprints were on everything right down to the subatomic level and while he tried not to think about her, tried with everything he had not to think about her, he failed miserably because her very essence surrounded him.  

In retrospect he realized the reason Jovi had kept her distance, why she had tried so hard to avoid him.  It was because when he’d kissed her, their connection had sprung to life like a downed power line.  He thought it was strong before but now it was prodigious, stupendous, gigantic, titanic.  It hummed.  It thrummed.  It pulsated with both kinetic and potential energy.  And it didn’t seem to have an off switch.  It was a perpetual motion machine.

Agh.  Dean hated that he couldn’t think of any non-electric, non-nuclear descriptors.  He found his emotions – even the squishy ones – to be exceedingly masculine, all angles and edges, nuts and bolts, cogs and widgets, as if taken from the pages of Popular Mechanics rather than a book of poetry.  His love, because he had finally accepted that’s what it simply had to be, was all pistons and gunpowder.  His love was as tender as a cudgel, as welcoming as sandpaper.  Yet beneath the heavy machinery lay a soft underbelly, tender and delicate and fragile.  He felt it exquisitely but he couldn’t express it in words.  In moments of fierce self-loathing he thought it was no wonder Jovi despised him, because nothing about the way that he felt about the way that he felt seemed at all appealing to a woman.

Dean found himself oddly limited by his nature; despite having the universe laid bare before him he himself was tongue-tied and paralyzed, incapable of expressing the thing he wanted to express the most.  He knew every word in every dictionary now and no word that had ever existed accurately described his feelings.  

Sometimes in moments of weakness he tried reaching out.  Because obviously, duh, she wasn’t heartless.  Obviously, duh, she’d come around eventually and he’d get another chance and this time he wouldn’t blow it.  He just had to make her see, and to make her see he had to see her.  It wasn’t a big deal.  He just wanted to see her, a few minutes was all, just enough time to explain how it had been an accident.  He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone.  He hadn’t known what would happen and now that he knew of course it would never happen again.  He tried begging her, pleading with her, asking nicely.  He told her he wanted to apologize in person.  He asked if they could still be friends.  He asked if they could start over again and told her that if he had a time machine he’d go back to that day in the meadow when it had been just the two of them and he’d never leave.  She didn’t answer.  No matter what he did, no matter what wild and heartfelt promises he fervently made, she wouldn’t take the bait.

Fine.  Whatever.  He got the message.  Jovi wanted nothing to do with him.  Ok.  Fine.  Whatever.  Thanks for nothing, bitch.  That Dean still wanted to do with her seemed to be a problem dropped squarely on his shoulders.  Not her problem, even though she had made him (cursed him) and conjured the terrible, wonderful connection between them it wasn’t her problem, it was his problem, his and his alone.

He was very alone, by the way.

Why had he kissed her?  If only he hadn’t kissed her!

If only he hadn’t kissed her, he could have endured it, but he had kissed her.  That kiss had broken him, stripped him bare, left him defenseless.  That kiss had unmanned him.  She hadn’t warned him.  She could’ve warned him.  She should have warned him!

He wondered whether their connection had been an accident and he went back and forth arguing with himself over the possibility.  When he was in a charitable mood he understood in his heart, mechanical as it was, that it had likely been an inadvertent side effect of his creation and that Jovi had to be suffering from it just as he was suffering.  And when he wasn’t, he swore in his soul that it had been deliberate, that she was immune, that she’d programmed it into him to ensure his obedience. 

In those dark moments he found it plausible that she enjoyed tormenting him.  Probably she and Crowley were off somewhere cuddling and laughing at his misery and he was taken with such envious fury that he could hardly control himself.

It was in the depths of the blackest of his black rages that Dean summoned Crowley.   

The darkangel appeared in a small room way down in the innards of the bunker, and Dean realized with a rush of pleasure it probably reminded the man/angel/demon/thing of places he’d been held against his will before, occasionally by Dean himself.  Crowley looked around like a frantic trapped animal but what choice did he have?  Dean was the Head Honcho, the Big Cheese.

Crowley still sported a ‘tude, though.  “What is thy bidding, Master?”

Dean got the reference but was unamused.  “Sit.”  There was a chair in the middle of the room.  Hardback.  Wooden.  Looked tailor made for torture sessions.  Crowley considered disobeying, attempted to, but found that he couldn’t.  Heh.  So he sat, not liking the turn events seemed to be taking, not at all.  Dean couldn’t blame him. “Yep. That’s a command, not a request.  Angels gotta obey the Big Guy.  Even half-demon mutts like you.”

“What do you want?”  Dean snapped his fingers and the angel circle lit.   Crowley rolled his eyes. “You could have just asked nicely, Winchester.  I’d have been happy to pop round for tea and conversation.  Remember, we’re all on the same team now.”

“Are we?”  Dean grinned chillingly and turned the radio on with a thought.  There were many things he enjoyed about being God, but the telekinesis aspect had to be one of the best.  As he had planned, Crazy On You played, loudly.  He paced around the room, circling Crowley.  The idea that Jovi might appear, surely would appear this time because obviously she wasn’t heartless, duh, filled him with so much nervous energy that he couldn’t keep still.

“Spare me the romantic power ballads, would you?  I missed you, too, Mate.”

“I’m not playing it for you, Crowley.  She’s listening, isn’t she?”

“Standing outside the girl’s window with your pitiful little boom box, are you?  How low you’ve sunk.”

“Is she listening?  Command, not request!”

Crowley didn’t want to answer, struggled not to, tried to hold the words back, but had no choice.  “She’s always listening.”

“Tell me what she’s thinking!”    Dean stopped his pacing to retrieve an angel blade he had stowed on a shelf.  He wielded it threateningly in Crowley’s direction.  Just to intimidate him, of course, not like Dean intended to use it.  “Or I’ll make you tell me.”

“Do I look like a bloody mind reader?  Her mind is INFINITE. Asking me what she’s thinking is like asking the letter Q to interpret the works of Shakespeare!”

“She talks to you.  Doesn’t she?”

“At times.”

“Confides in you?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“What do you talk about with her?”

“What do you discuss with your angels?  Business. She tells me to take out the garbage, and I obey.  I make her angels, and I train them.  We discuss.  The process, the weather. And other ephemera.”  Dean would have loved to pump Crowley for details about his relationship with Jovi, if any, but it seemed so…desperate.

“Does she ever talk to you about me?”  Well, that wasn’t much better.

“This is an oddly personal line of questioning, isn’t it, Winchester?  Don’t you want to know about our sinister plans?” Crowley was desperately clinging to any distraction he could think of to avoid spilling Jovi’s secrets.

“I thought there weren’t any sinister plans, Crowley.”

“There aren’t.  Apparently one of the downsides of your new status is that you lack the ability to understand sarcasm!  Oh wait, you never had that.”

“Tell. Me. The. Truth!  Why are you guys making angels out of demons?”

“That isn’t even what you asked me!”

Without warning he stabbed Crowley in the hand with the blade.  Crowley screamed. “I can make it so she can’t bring you back, Crowley.”

Dean stabbed Crowley in the other hand and even though he knew he shouldn’t have done it, and certainly shouldn’t have enjoyed it, he was getting a good deal of joy out of it.  A very good deal indeed.  Crowley screamed again and struggled to speak. “My name is…is…Oriphiel!”  Dean had gone too far, he knew he’d gone too far, but his rage had hold of him and he wanted for Crowley to hurt the way Dean himself hurt.  

“What’s the matter, Crowley, you can dish it out but can’t take it??  After all the people you’ve tortured over the centuries, a couple little pinpricks bringin you to tears??  If you want to cry, Angel Baby, I’ll give you a REASON to cry.” He sliced Crowley’s ear off and was surprised at how fricking amazing it felt.  It felt so fricking amazing the toecurling pleasure of it pushed the small rational voice telling Dean he was going too far to the back of his brain behind a lot more much louder and much less rational voices.  Crowley grabbed at his ear stump with his bleeding hand and cowered.  “I can make you grow your bits back and cut em off again, if I wanna.”  

“I am Oriphiel.  And I am a changed man.  I’m good now!” Crowley stopped talking for a moment, gasping in pain, before recovering his ability to speak.  “Not saying I like it, because I DON’T.  But she changed me…just like she changed you.  Only in my case it was a change for the better!”

“What are you saying?  That I’m not good anymore?  I AM good.  I am THE good.”

“Not good enough for her, obviously.”  And ba-da-boom, the other ear went.  Crowley gave a bloodcurdling shriek.  God, that guy was loud, not that he could hear himself, since he was earless and everything.  “You’re becoming a monster, Winchester!  And it isn’t cute, and it isn’t romantic, the whole star-crossed lovers thing is wearing thin for everyone except you.  You’re becoming one of those things you used to kill.  She gave you the gift of the world and you were unworthy of it.  You’ve been judged by the original judge and found lacking.  The worst punishment there is, is when she withdraws her love.  Cut off from the source.”

Dean felt stricken, terrified that it might be true, but allowed jaws of cold rage to swallow the sensation like a snake eating an egg.  He put the angel blade to Crowley’s throat.  Ice. Made of ice. “I’ll cut off your source.”

“You wouldn’t dare.  You’ve gone as far as you can go.”

After a moment of consideration, Dean was forced to concur.  He stepped back, noticing as he adjusted his grip on the sword, that his palms were drenched with sweat. “No, you’re right. I wouldn’t dare.  There are ten thousand reasons why I would LOVE to finish you, Crowley, and only one reason why I don’t.”  He threw his head back to scream at the ceiling, at the sky.  He made his voice shake the very heavens and the bunker reverberated with it. “Do you hear me, Jovi???  Because I know you wouldn’t like it!!!! Answer me!!!” 


Dean turned away and fell to his knees. Even torturing her favorite pet wasn’t enough to draw her out.  It hadn’t worked.  Nothing worked.  He would never see her again. 

The angel blade clattered to the ground, forgotten.  Suddenly Gabriel popped in and kicked the weapon away into a darkened corner far from Dean’s reach.  He broke the angel trap with another kick, and Crowley immediately disappeared, reappearing just long enough to retrieve his ears with a sour expression on his florid face.  

Gabriel gave Dean a WTF expression.  Dean looked up at Gabriel, trying to keep the hope from his face. “Did she send you?”

“I sent myself.  I’m not with her, you know.”

Dejection.  “Oh.  I thought maybe.”

“…I came with glad tidings of great joy?  No.  But I’m here to help.  If I can.”  Gabriel paused, searching the best way to phrase his next statement.  “Dean, seriously.  Don’t you think you’re a little bit…letting it control you, instead of the other way around?”

“I know.”  Dean climbed to his feet.  “I need help, Gabriel!  I know, but the only person that can help me, won’t help me.  And I don’t know why.  Why won’t she tell me why?  I don’t know how to do this.  It’s too much for me.  I just need some help, that’s all.  Help.”

“Where’s Sam?  Castiel?”

“Hiding, probably.  Everyone’s afraid of me.  They’re afraid of me now.”  

“Do you think they might have a good reason for that?

Dean spoke and was annoyed to detect a petulant tone in his own voice.  “NO!  No, because I can just find em!” Dean got into Gabriel’s face, more than he really intended.  “You should tell her that.  Tell Jovi.  Anywhere she goes, no matter where she runs.  I’ll be there.  I’ve respected the boundaries and I been more than patient.  But I’m getting bored now, and my patience has reached its end.”

Gabriel recoiled and took a few steps back.  “That wasn’t quite what I was going for there, Dean-o.  Do you get that you might be…scaring them a little bit?  Even Jovi?”

“Why would she be scared?  Of ME?  That’s ridiculous!  I haven’t done anything.  I could have.  I could come after her.  Attack her!  Her power is nothing compared to mine.  I just keep thinking that if we go to war, and then when I win and after I totally rub her nose in her disobedience and offer her my forgiveness, maybe she’ll understand that I really really miss her!”

“Ok, uh.  Wow.  How about instead, of, um, that, Dean, how about instead, if I go and talk to her, on your behalf, and see what’s the what?”    

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?  To be alone with her?”

“Well, see, Slugger, the flaw in that logic is that I can already see her whenever I want to.  You’re the only one who seems to be…out of the circle of trust.”  Dean disappeared for a split second and reappeared with his hand at Gabriel’s throat pressing the obnoxious archangel up against the wall.  Gabriel pretended to be unimpressed, but he was scared.  Dean knew he was scared because Gabriel liked having his life back, he liked it way too much.  Gabriel’s thirst to live was a weapon Dean could use, would use, at some later point in time, he decided.  Dean could taste that useful, useful fear coming off of the guy and boy howdy, it was delicious.  Not as good as Crowley fear, but still.  “Don’t smite me, bro.”

“Your childish antics are not gonna play with me in charge, Gabriel.  I don’t think you’re funny, not even a little, and I don’t really quite GET the purpose of you.  I never have, and now more than ever.”

“Me either.  Something to do with free will, I think.  I’d tell you to ask my mom but…I was remembering SHE WON’T TALK TO YOU NOW.”

“And if you think for one minute, Loki, that I forgot allll those times you tormented me, KILLED me for your own amusement, think again.  Cause we could run that game again only with the roles reversed and a hell of a lot more lava!”

Castiel appeared.  He looked bone tired and Gabriel inhaled sharply, apparently shocked by how rough Cas was looking these days.  But Cas was fine, he just needed a little rest from all the angels he’d been making was all.  “Dean.” Dean ignored Castiel and squeezed Gabriel’s throat  – just a little – until Cas laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Dean.” Dean let Gabriel go.  Of course he let Gabriel go, he was always going to let Gabriel go.  Gabriel was in no danger, not from Dean, I mean DUH.  Gabriel seemed reluctant to leave Castiel alone with Dean; tch, like Dean would ever do anything to hurt Cas.  Ridiculous.  These people are being ridiculous.  Castiel nodded at Gabriel.  “I got this.”

Gabriel agreed with a tilt of his head and vanished.  Dean looked at Cas and grinned a WTF half-smile meant to reassure, but Cas didn’t seem reassured.  Why were they all freaking out?  Everything was fine, everything was cool.  He was the same as ever.  Why did people act like he wasn’t?  He was good.  Everything was good. It was all good!  He just had to get this Jovi situation worked out and then they’d all poof off to a tropic island somewhere for a nice long vacay.  “I was just having some fun, man.”  Castiel glanced around, spotted the blood on the floor and the blade in the corner, and nodded.

Good ol’ Cas.  He understood.


Once it became apparent that Dean was not exactly himself, and the shifting target of his instability even extended as far as Sam himself, Sam holed up in the bedroom with Adam.  

Barricaded was such a strong word.  He was holed up, that’s all. 

Over the months Sam had tried repeatedly to get Dean to allow Adam to wake up, but he wouldn’t.  He kept saying they had enough on their plates right then.  So Adam slept on, as he had for months, oblivious to the God-sized nervous breakdown happening around him.  Gabriel appeared unexpectedly and Sam nearly jumped right out of his skin.  He actually yelled a little, “Aaa!” and then felt rather idiotic for having done so.  Gabriel laughed just once, drily. 

Funny, not funny.

The archangel looked around the room, taking in the sight.  Sam realized that because there was several days’ worth of garbage in there it had to be obvious to anyone who wasn’t a complete idiot that he was basically living in the room and had hardly ventured out for days.  And Gabriel may have been many things, few of which Sam liked, but he was not an idiot.  Sam felt an embarrassed flush rise in his cheeks as Gabriel spoke. “Expecting someone else, Sam? Or were you saving all these bottles of pee for a special occasion?  Glad you were skipping the big jobs.”

Sam exhaled.  No point in trying to keep a charade going.  Things were not ok.  Everyone knew it, and this game he and Cas and Bobby had been running where they tried to cover it up, prevent the news from getting out that Dean wasn’t right, giving Dean as much time as they could give him to figure himself out, was over.  Sam admitted it with body language that yes, he was actually afraid.  Of Dean.  “Please tell me you’re here to help.”

Gabriel laughed, not unsympathetically.  “Me?  Do you know me?  I cause trouble, I don’t fix it.”

“Well, everyone else is at a loss.  He’s barely listening to Cas any more.”

“I promised him I’d talk to Jovi for him.  What do you think about that?”

“I think she got us into this, it would be freaking fantastic if she had a solution.”

“But what if she doesn’t?  What if she’s just as scared as the rest of us?  What if she’s ducking and covering for a good reason here?  I mean, seriously, Sam, the way he’s talking, she may be the one who has the most to fear from him.”

“She needs to do something, Gabriel.  He won’t hurt her.  That I know.”

“Why do you know that?  Because I’m not feeling so sure.”

“I just do, ok?  She won’t talk to him.  It is, uh, slightly upsetting to him.”

Gabriel laughed and Sam couldn’t exactly blame him.  Understatement of the year. “Yes, he said that.  At length.  Do you really think it would help, if she did?”

“Can it hurt?”

“Well, Champ, we’re in new territory here.  I’m not sure that anyone really knows if it’s a superduperly fab idea to get those two together.  Maybe it will be like peanut butter and chocolate, two great tastes that taste great together, or maybe it will be like Diet Coke and Mentos.  Explosive.  Literally, figuratively, Biblically, explosive.”

Sam hadn’t considered this and the implications caused the pillow fort of denial he had built for himself to come crashing down upon him.  

What if the cure was worse than the disease?


Gabriel intended to go home then, back to the welcoming bosom of Middle America where he could motorboat to his heart’s delight.  Screw it, he intended to give all Gods and hangers-on an angelic middle finger and poof himself right back to his new life working at the diner.  He had met a woman, a human woman, cute as a button and horny as hell.  A single mom with a couple of adorable little kids.  She had a heart of gold and a sex drive of titanium.  There’s one in every town, you just have to know where to look, and Gabriel always knew where to look.  

But he couldn’t.  Damn it, he couldn’t.

He went instead to Jovi’s fortress, if you could call it that.  She had no wards, no protective spells, and she probably didn’t even lock the door when she went to the grocery store.  Dean or Lucifer or both of them together (which was a possible combo no one else seemed to be taking seriously, but Gabriel actually found it most likely) could have walked right into the joint.  She had no defenses other than an army of dangles that Dean could have obliterated with the power contained in his eyelashes.  It was almost like she wanted to be attacked, and he wondered if on some level, maybe she did.

He appeared inside the castle hallway outside a closed door and was immediately greeted by Crowley.  Crowley embraced Gabriel as a brother and Gabriel endured it, holding his body perfectly stiff, overcome with the proximity of that hideous twist of demon Crowley contained.  Not to mention the sheer unadulterated weirdness of being hugged by Crowley, because ew!  “Gabriel.  Thank God.  I hoped you’d come.”

Gabriel tried not to be, but he was completely skeeved out.  Everyone was putting way too much importance onto him.  He wasn’t important.  He refused to be important!  He declined the invitation!  “Things have got to be getting pretty bad when I’m the one greeted as the savior.  Has everyone forgotten, I’m the black sheep of the family?”

“If you thought he was acting strangely…you haven’t seen her.”  Against his will, Crowley started to break down, his voice cracking.  “I’m so worried!  Gah, I hate being an angel. I’m all emotion and feathers!”

He wasn’t an angel, not at all, but Gabriel held his tongue.  “I knew she’d be a disaster…but he…he caught me off guard.  He says she won’t answer when he tries to contact her?”

“She barely speaks.  But she’ll see you, Gabriel, I know it.  Hope you like Streisand.”

Gabriel missed a beat.  “And if I don’t?”

“Sometimes she’ll turn it down when I ask.”

“Good to know.”  Crowley swung the door open and Gabriel entered.   

While Dean had been brimming over with manic energy, Jovi was very still, almost meditative, sitting on a bed in a darkened room.  Like Dean, she had music blaring –  Barbra Streisand singing Evergreen.  Crowley stared at Jovi with a forlorn expression before stalking out.  Gabriel knew the look – the poor guy had it bad.  He almost felt sorry for the former demon; Gabriel understood only too well what it meant to love God so hugely, so bigly, so all-encompassing that it wrecked ya, when all along in the end it was kind of a one-way street.  The song eventually finished and Jovi snapped out of her reverie, turning the music off and the lights on with a gesture. “Hey, Gabriel.”

He contemplated exchanging pleasantries but decided to cut to the chase instead. “What’s going on, Peaches?”

“I guess I’m supposed to be doing something big and meaningful, either starting trouble or fixing everything?  But I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round.”


“I’m looking for peace.  Which is strangely elusive for such a simple thing.”

“I understand.  Everyone’s always after me to intervene.  I’d rather not.”

“But you’re here.”

“People are scared.  Dean’s um, he’s um, pfft.  Jovi, he’s…not right, somehow.”

“Oh, I’m well aware of that, Gabriel.  He and I are connected…all the time.  He has my brain on speed dial.  He’s screaming at me inside my head right now.  That’s what he does.  Screams at me for hours, then he begs me to forgive him, to talk to him, to help him, then gets angry all over again and screams at me some more, accusing me of…all sorts of things.  It happens over and over again.  You guys think I’m not doing anything.  But I keep him busier than you realize.”

“Can’t you talk to him, Jovi??”

“Don’t you think that will just encourage him?  He just needs to accept the status quo and fly off and find his own planet somewhere.  This one is mine.”

Gabriel laughed in wry disbelief.  “That’s a little cold, don’t you think?  You made him.”

“It’s not.  I don’t want my creation to be harmed any more than it already has been.  It doesn’t make me happy to send him away, Gabriel.  Quite the opposite.  But he needs to start creating on his own and get his mind off of what might have been.”  

“Can you fix him?”

Jovi laughed.  “You guys act like being God comes with an instruction booklet.  I don’t even know what’s wrong with him, Gabriel.  If anything even is.  It may be that he’s just very…Old Testament.  And I had to grow out of that.  I assume it’s the same for him.”   

Much to his surprise, Gabriel actually found himself caring enough to get annoyed.  “Just a phase?”

“The terrible twos.”

“Well, I think he needs a time out, Jovi.”

“Can you make him stand in the corner, Gabriel?  Because I can’t.”

“You haven’t even tried.  Passive is not a good look for you.”

“I’m not right somehow, either, in case you hadn’t noticed.”  Gabriel paused to consider it.  She’s not right either, could that be?  And it rang true.  Maybe it wasn’t so much that she didn’t want to act, but that she couldn’t.  Maybe she didn’t have it in her any more.  Maybe she’d given that away.  Maybe she was as broken as Dean, just a different kind of broken. “I think the less contact he has with me, the better.”  

“The better for him, or the better for you?”

“The better for my creation.   He has to get away from here, away from Earth…and if I see him…I don’t trust myself.  I could try to keep him here, to keep him close to me.  I love him, Gabriel.  Beyond all reason.”  Jovi nearly began to cry, struggling to keep her emotions in check.  Gabriel sighed.  It wasn’t that he was unsympathetic to her plight, he was, but she had made her bed and all that.  She had made all their beds, without consulting anyone beforehand.  Same as it ever was.  “When I went through…my dark period…there was a hundred million people on this planet if that even, and most of them were like way innocent-er than people are nowadays?  And I was used to being…this.  There are 8 billion totally debauched human beings on this Earth right now calling out to him.  The only way he’s gonna make it through without destroying them is if he sets up shop somewhere else.  I can’t let myself stop him.”

“A little late to think of all this now, isn’t it?”


Gabriel tilted his head to the side, unsatsified by the exchange, and vanished.  


Once he had gone, Jovi sat for a moment in silence and steeled herself.  She put her guard back down and winced as the screaming in her mind started up again.   It wasn’t fun but at least Dean wasn’t hurting anybody as long as he was busy hurting her.

She turned the lights down with a gesture and the music up with another one.  

Love, ageless and evergreen.


When Gabriel arrived, Oriphiel had taken the opportunity to travel to Chinatown.   The one in London.  He knew a guy.

A demon, actually.  One of the nicest bits about Jovi having him turn the demons into angels was that he could stay in touch with old friends.  He didn’t have to make excuses, tell everyone about how he was an angel now and the old lady won’t let me perform evil any more.  He could still run in his old circles, keep his old connections, let the word get around.  They were more accepting of his angelic status than one might think, all things considered, and it just so happened that he knew a guy.  

After treating himself one of his favorite meals, lungs (he was enormously thankful that Jovi had seen fit to allow the new angels to retain their earthly appetites and the ability to indulge them) he entered the shop, an unassuming place marked with Chinese-looking characters that only demons…or former demons, apparently…could read.  He entered the shop and was assaulted by odor, incense and spices and magic and dead things. He loved it.  One of the things he desperately missed about his old life was the fragrance of the demon world and he wanted to strip naked and wallow in it like a boar in the mud.

Zhang Yong looked up from where he was measuring something that would have appeared to the uninitiated to be dried mushrooms, but Crowley recognized them as desiccated monkey hands.  Zhang Yong himself would have appeared to the uninitiated as being human, but he was genetically closer by far to a mushroom.  “Crowley, you stink!  You smell like angel!” Oriphiel didn’t correct the name, he never bothered with demons.  It only confused them. “You take shower, then come back!”

Oriphiel laughed.  “I’ve tried, believe me.  Doesn’t wash away.”

“What do you want?  Hurry, you scare my customers!”  While joking, the demon was probably right; if most demons got wind of an angel in Zhang Yong’s shop they’d turn tail and run and probably never return.  Oriphiel decided to hurry for the sake of friendship. He had planned upon dissembling, working his way around to it after a lot of witty banter but he didn’t feel particularly witty.  He sometimes feared the cleverest parts of him had gone along with the bulk of his demon nature.

He mostly just wanted it over.  “I need to kill a god. A very, very, very strong god.”

Zhang Yong tilted his head back and forth like a curious little bird. “What?  You too?”

“Me too?”

“Yeah I guess everybody want to kill a god lately!!  Two other guys want to kill god, they come in here maybe a few weeks ago, and ask for something to kill a god!”

Michael and Lucifer.  Had to be. They were back in the present time and he had left Jovi alone.  He felt sweat break out upon his head and down his back, but he needed more.  “Describe them.”

“One real tall, and other one wear coat, even though weather is hot.  One human and one like you.”  Oh-ho.  Not Michael and Lucifer.  Sam Winchester and Castiel.  Wanting to kill a god, you say.  Interesting. “They say they got problem god they need to get rid of.”

“A p-pppr-pproblem?” Oh no oh no ohno ohno ohno ohno ohno nononononono.  Not Dean, of course not Dean, those two would never even think about killing Dean, they intended to…

“Yeah, some god cause a lot of trouble for them.   They want to get rid of it.  Maybe you know same god, heh!!”

“Maybe.”  He mopped sweat from his forehead.   Why had he stopped for the lungs? They shifted uncomfortably in his stomach as if to remind him of those precious minutes, wasted.  Maybe they were already there, maybe Gabriel had been in on it.  And Oriphiel had left her.  Alone, defenseless.  Nononononono.  Couldn’t be, it simply could NOT be.  It took everything he had within him not to leave that very second.  But he must have what he’d come for, now more than ever.  “And what did you give to them, Zhang?  If you don’t mind my asking?”    

“Don’t worry, boss.  I don’t give them good gun.  I give you good gun.”

“You didn’t give them a good gun?”

“Yeah.  I have two gun.  One good, one bad.  I give them bad gun.”

“Why was it a bad gun?”  Please, please, please.  Oriphiel didn’t even know who he was praying to.  Dean, perhaps, and then he stopped because he didn’t want Dean to hear what he was doing.

“Because it only kill little god.  Not big god.  Only little.” Oriphiel relaxed for a moment but then thought of Jovi, how small she was, and his heart lurched.

“I want the big gun.”  He threw everything he had in his pockets on the counter.  He had brought thirteen enchanted demon gemstones with him, unsure as to how much the transaction would cost.  He had saved them up over a hundred years’ time but he was suddenly terrified that it wouldn’t be enough.  He worried that in his eagerness he’d shown his hand to the demon and now the price would go so high that Oriphiel couldn’t afford it without having to go back for more.  He had more, of course, and he would have given every treasure he owned freely, but the bloody time it would take!

Fortunately Zhang Yong was a good-natured sort and Crowley had always been an excellent customer.  Only a foolish businessman tries to cheat a loyal customer.  He took the gems with cheer and fetched a very old box tied with a string.  He opened it for Oriphiel to inspect its contents.  The gun was made of two pieces of bamboo tied together with strands of very old silk and a triggering device on the bottom of carved bone.  It looked very unassuming, which Oriphiel took as a good sign that it was authentic.  

You could always tell.  The Indiana Jones factor.  The fancier something looked, the less likely it was to work.  “Bullet is dragon bone.  Dragon bone kill anything.  Only one shot, only one chance, Crowley.  Make sure you don’t miss!”

“I won’t.  And the god will stay dead?  Forever?”

“Yeah!  Of course!  My guarantee!  Some magic, not even gods come back from!”


He went first to Jovi.  He was relieved to find her perfectly fine, even better than when he’d left her.  She had eaten something and bathed and dressed.  She looked more…herself…than she had for some time.  Oriphiel’s fellow darkangels – who he’d had his doubts about honestly, but seemed to be working out well enough – informed him Gabriel’s visit had raised her spirits a bit.  Jovi seemed happy to see him and he took her in his arms and smoothed her hair from her face.  “Let’s run away together, Oriphiel.”

“Yes, let’s.  Where shall we go?”

“A galaxy far, far away from here.”  

“I’ll pack my bags.”  He so wished it for a moment that it seemed it could come true and the insanity came over him once more.  “Do you love me?”

“I love everything I ever created, Oriphiel, I already told you.”  Ah.  But then she grinned saucily.  “But some things, I love better than others.”  And he felt a feeling that simply had to be bliss.

The entire time in the back of his mind he repeated it to himself.  Only one shot.  Only one chance.  Only one shot.  Only one chance.  Only one shot.  

Only one chance.


The gun was so lame, Sam thought it had to be a fake.  

It was made of some kind of pressed thick paper, like a toilet paper tube but ancient, and was the size and shape of a Roman candle.  As the demon had explained, that’s how you fired it, too. Held it in your hands like a drunk teenager on the Fourth of July, aimed it and prayed.  But Sam didn’t know who to pray to any more.  Neither option held appeal.

How could you kill God with a firecracker?

He and Castiel sat in the kitchen with the gun on the table between them.  They had agreed it would be Castiel but Sam sensed the waves of doubt coming from his friend.  He sighed and blinked and slumped in his chair.  “I can’t, Sam.”

Sam sighed.  The entire plan had been built around getting Castiel into Jovi’s fortress.   The idea that Sam could possibly get inside without Cas’ abilities, could get in the same room as Jovi without being searched, could get close enough to Jovi to do the deed – the odds felt insurmountable.  “You have to, Cas!”

“I can’t.  And if I try, Sam, I’ll fail.  Because I can’t.”

“You have a better chance than I do!”

“Sam, it is something I cannot do.”

Bobby appeared then.  He must have sensed something amiss because his eyes were already narrowed accusingly upon arrival.  “Well, what the hell is that, then?” Castiel bowed his head, ashamed.  Sam could have throttled him for showing their hand.

“Bobby, it’s…don’t even worry about it.  It’s nothing.”

“It’s something.  Cas?”  Castiel simply shook his head.  “Is it for him, or for her?”

Maybe their cause wasn’t lost.  Maybe they could get Bobby on board.  He had eyes, he could see what was happening.  Sam hoped against hope and rolled the dice.  “Bobby, look, we have to do something, we can’t just go on like this…”  It was obvious what needed to be done, why was he the only one who could see it?

“Is it for him, or for her?”  Bobby had gone red in the face, as red as the bottle of beet juice Dean had recently hucked Sam’s direction, and Sam felt his hopes evaporating.   

“It doesn’t…it isn’t…Bobby, come on…”

“It’s for her.”  Castiel sighed.

“So he’s the problem, and killing her is your solution?  Idjits!”

“She created the problem in the first place, Bobby!”

“So this is revenge, then?”

“It’s not revenge, Bobby, it’s HER, she makes him crazy…”

“And you think that’s gonna stop if she’s gone, huh, Sam?  Everything’s just gonna go back to normal again?  You’re even stupider than I thought!”

“Bobby…”  Sam could hardly bear to see it all falling apart now, slipping away like rock salt through his fingers, not when they’d come so close.

“You’re a Hunter, kid, believe me I understand.  Everything to you, looks like something to kill.  It’s your solution to every problem, is killing.  But I’ll tell you right now, Sam, if you think that killing Jovi is gonna make Dean simmer down and behave himself…you don’t know nothing about God, because vengeance is his, not yours.  His to take.”

“I agree it’s a gamble, Bobby, but there’s no other option…”

Bobby apparently thought there was another option and before Sam could do anything to stop him, he’d grabbed that precious God-killing gun from the table and crammed it right down the garbage disposal and flipped the switch.  In a heartbeat Sam’s last hope of saving his brother was gone with a metallic whine.  A few supernatural sparks flew from the disposal and then that was the end of it.  Castiel looked relieved.  “He was right, Sam. It was a mistake.  Thank you, Bobby.”

Sam tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling.  Something was going to have to give, and soon.  No one wanted to admit it for fear of changing the status quo, for fear of breaking this strange tentative truce they were all living under, but it was true.  

Something had to give.


Oriphiel didn’t have any trouble getting into the Winchester’s bunker.  They hadn’t raised wards against him.  He suspected it was likely the same reason Jovi hadn’t raised wards either – neither she nor Dean truly wanted to prevent the other from coming to them.  They still hoped.  It was sad, really.

Only one shot, only one chance.

But she would forget Dean in time.  Her strength would return and eventually she would have recovered enough to create another God and he would be there waiting.

Only one shot, only one chance.

She had forgiven him everything else, so she would forgive him this, too, because of all the things he had ever done as Crowley, all the horrible, awful, dreadful, unforgivable things, this thing was done from love and not selfishness.  She would forgive him. Eventually.  It might take a few millennia but they had the time.

Only one shot, only one chance.

He decided to become Crowley again, for a moment, to let the demon part of himself free to finish the task set before him.  Crowley wouldn’t have wavered.

Only one shot, only one chance.

Crowley crept down a corridor to a room in which Dean was curved over a desk, writing something.  He raised the bamboo gun before him.

Only one shot, only one chance.

He had a perfect shot.  The back, or the head.  Perfect.  The shot was his to take.  All he had to do was pull the trigger and Dean would be gone and Jovi would be his.  Eventually.  After a few hundred years, maybe some penance, a century or several in Purgatory, Jovi would be his.

Only one shot, only…

He found that he couldn’t.  He couldn’t pull the trigger.  Not even as Crowley could he pull the trigger.  He thought for a moment it had be some sort of spell, some sort of magic, a ward perhaps, or a precept set into him upon his creation that he couldn’t harm God, but upon closer inspection he realized it wasn’t.  He still had his free will and full control over all his faculties.  He could pull the trigger, he was physically capable of doing so, but he couldn’t pull the trigger because it would hurt Jovi.  And Oriphiel, even wearing his Crowley-suit, didn’t want to hurt her.

He wanted Jovi to have what she wanted and not have to settle for a disappointing traitorous replacement.  He wanted her to have better than him.

Oriphiel lowered the gun and as he did Dean turned around in the chair.  His mouth went dry.  Dean had known he was there all along, of course.  He was never in any real danger.  Dean smiled with cold amusement and Oriphiel knew he was well and truly screwed this time and what was worse, he had taken the only thing he’d ever really loved down with him.  For Dean would not let this stand unanswered, of course.  Of course.  “What brings you by, buddy?”

“I…I…she didn’t send me.  It was me.  I acted alone…”

Faster than even an angel’s eyes could see, Dean moved across the room and had taken the gun before Oriphiel could lift a feather to stop him.  “I know it was you, Crowley.  Jovi wouldn’t hurt me.  Because she knows better.”  He looked the weapon over with an appraising eye. “This little thing?  You really think that this little thing could hurt me?”  

“I had to try.”

“You had to fail, is what you had to do.  You can’t destroy me, Crowley.” Dean raised the gun to his temple and Oriphiel felt a sense of dread coming over him.

“No!  You can’t!”

“I thought you wanted me dead, Crowley.  Don’t you want me dead?”

“I thought I did, but…I couldn’t…I didn’t…I stopped.”

“Because you didn’t have the cojones, am I right?  Couldn’t get the job done when it counted.  No wonder she’d rather be with me.”  He closed his eyes suddenly and pulled the trigger.  Oriphiel felt himself give a shout as the gun went off.  But Dean didn’t fall. The dragon bone bullet passed through his skull from one temple to the other and came out the other side and lodged in the wall of the bunker.  Dean reopened his eyes but they were gone, just bloody red sockets where they had once been.  A wave of revulsion rose up Oriphiel’s throat. “Little help?”

His hands…no, his entire body trembling, Oriphiel reached out and healed the vessel of this…thing…whatever it was, that had once housed his friend, Dean Winchester.   He longed for the real Dean Winchester in that moment, wished that the human Dean was still there to help him stop the beast that stood before him.  This monstrous God.  It reached out and seized Oriphiel by the scruff of his neck and they disappeared.

They reappeared in a room, the kitchen, Oriphiel realized, once he got his bearings.  Castiel, Sam, and Bobby stood around a table, apparently having a tense argument.  The Dean-thing threw Oriphiel to the floor at his feet as the three stopped to gape. “Looky what we have here, guys.”   

“What happened?”  Sam.

“Crowley here just tried to kill me.”

“I didn’t…strictly speaking.  I thought about it, but, but, but I changed my mind.  I decided that we could find a better way…to communicate…”  Dean kicked Oriphiel in the ribs. He coughed and tried to catch his breath.  “They…they were…”  He coughed again. “They were planning to kill her, Dean!  They were going to kill Jovi!”  Even though that hadn’t been quite the way the timeline had gone, it was a plausible enough lie and Dean fell for it, hook line and sinker as Oriphiel had hoped he would.

His face went vivid red and his voice shook the building.  “What!?!”

“Dean, listen…”

“I heard through my connections that they…and I assumed YOU, Dean, wrongly, wrongfully, I see that now, had procured a weapon that had been rumored to kill a God.  And I acted, I see now, wrongfully as I’ve stated, perhaps a bit rashly, but you can surely understand my dismay…”

“Shut up, Crowley.  Where is it?”

“Dean, come on, he’s lying…”

“You know, I don’t think that he is.  Well, I’m sure he is, but Sammy, I can see it in your eyes, you have it, I want it, where is it?”

“Damn it Dean, come on, we weren’t gonna use it on YOU!”

That idea had not even occurred to Dean.  “Use it on me?  Was that an option on the table?  Cas, Bobby? Were you planning on trying to kill me?”

The old man went red, or redder, since he’d been rather impressively red to start with.  “You can leave me the hell out of this, you pack of lunatics, you all deserve each other.”

Castiel finally spoke up.  “Bobby wasn’t involved.”

“But you two were?  You were plotting to kill me?  You, Cas?  Sam?  Really?”

“No, Dean, come on, be serious here.  Like Cas, or, or, or like I would do that, come on, I’m your brother.  I mean, come on!  It was…it was for Jovi, ok?  If Jovi was gone, maybe, you know, things would be easier on you, is, is what we were thinking.”

“Easier, on me?  Is that what you think, Sam?  Easier on me.  Heh.  Yeah, that would not…that would not have been…easier.”  Dean laughed bitterly. “Well, where is it now?”

“Bobby put it down the garbage disposal.”

“Heh.  Well, good, Bobby, thank you, I appreciate it.”  He seemed so normal in that moment, so Deanlike, that Oriphiel’s hopes rose a little, thinking maybe there would be no truly terrible consequences for his actions, that while he might be in for a lightning bolt or two up his arse, maybe nothing that had happened would blow back onto Jovi.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t think everything is all hunky dory here, because I don’t, Dean.”

“I know.  I know, Bobby, you’re right.”  Dean stared straight ahead without moving for quite some time and it went on for so long that eventually the rest of them all glanced nervously at each other, wondering what to do next.  But then he puffed out his cheeks with air and breathed out and the angel Gadreel appeared in the room with them.  “My third archangel.  Fill him in, guys.”  As the others moved together to form a circle, Dean turned his undivided attention back onto Oriphiel and the casually demented expression on Dean’s face as he stared down at him, caused Oriphiel’s fledgling hopes to disintegrate into dust.  “And you…are free to go.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that, Crowley.   I am nothing if not…benevolent.”  He smiled a terrible empty smile and Oriphiel knew it wasn’t over, would never be over, this was the new normal, the human Dean was gone forever.  Oriphiel disappeared, praying desperately to no one in particular that he could persuade Jovi to run, far and fast.

Because vengeance was his. 

Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 12 – The Gods Must Be Crazy

Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 12 – The Gods Must Be Crazy

If you missed Part 11, it’s here:

If Bobby would’ve only been a human still it wouldn’tve been so damn frustrating.  

It happened sometimes with the Winchester Boys, they’d start doing crap Bobby didn’t approve of, things he couldn’t keep his mouth shut about, so he’d take a step back and get busy with his own life for awhile.  After all, he wasn’t their boss and he wasn’t their daddy, and they were grown ass men.  Dumb as balls both of them in their own way, sure, but grown ass men all the same.  Wasn’t his place to tell Sam and Dean how to live their lives no matter how bad they needed for someone to tell them how to live their lives.  So he’d take a step back. 

He couldn’t do that now because he didn’t exactly have a life to get busy with. 

Being Dean’s archangel meant he was a servant, like a butler or a bodyguard, and the expectation was that he would be at everybody’s beck and call.  No one came right out and said it but Bobby knew damn well if he went incommunicado there would be annoyance and snarky remarks, if not wrath.  But he wasn’t any man’s whipping boy, not even God’s.  While Castiel may be ok living like that, Bobby Singer wasn’t.

Bobby decided he was gonna be an angel more in the mold of Gabriel.  More of a doing-his-own-thing kind of angel.  A don’t-call-us-we’ll-call-you kind of angel.  A taking-road-trips kind of angel.  That’s how he came to be standing in front of Sheriff Jody Mills with his hands in the air, looking down the business end of a loaded, cocked double barrel shotgun.  “What are you, because I know you are NOT Bobby Singer?”  She was scared of him, which figured, and he couldn’t half-blame her.  She’d seen loved ones come back in the wrong form before, not that he was her loved one or nothing, but just, you know.  It was understandable.  It might not be him, was all, and he’dve done the exact same had their places been reversed.  “What are you?”

The problem was, he just didn’t know how to explain it.  It just seemed too…stupid.  It wasn’t so much that it was unbelievable, it was that it was plain idiotic.  Bobby found the entire concept of what he was and how he’d come to be, downright humiliating.  “Jody, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Well, why don’t you try, and then we’ll see if I fill you full of buckshot, or rock salt.”

“If you need to, that’s ok.  I can’t die though, at least, not that way, so don’t be too shocked when I don’t.”

“I bet it will hurt though no matter what you are.  So.”

She was right about that.  “Ok, well, I’m an angel, apparently.  An archangel, I guess you could say, not to put too fine of a point on it.”  And then to prove the case he unfurled his wings, which felt ridiculous and show-offish but seemed like the fastest way to convince her.  He felt a blush rise beneath his beard as he did it.

Jody was unimpressed.  “I’ve seen better tricks than that at the grade school talent show.”

“They’re real.”

“Real like a Kardashian.”

“What’s a Kardashian?”  The name sounded familiar but Bobby couldn’t place it.  He figured there must be some new kind of demon in town.  “And how do you kill it, because if you need me, Jody, you know I always got your back.”

She lowered the gun suddenly.  “Bobby, it IS you, isn’t it?  Really?  Is it you?”

“Yeah.  It’s me.  Unfortunately.”  He sucked his wings back up.  “I keep pinching myself hoping it ain’t true, but then I say ow.”


“I got resurrected, or whatever, and then before I could escape into the night I got angelified.  Heh.  I can’t even get left alone when I die.”

“Huh.  Who did it this time?”

Bobby started talking and then stopped.  The words Dean is God tended to get stuck in his throat.  “You got anything to drink?  Because I think this is gonna go down better with a whiskey or two.”

“Can you drink?”

“Almost as much as I could when I was human.”

“That doesn’t seem right somehow.  Like, morally?”

“Angels ain’t what they used to be.”  

Jody fetched a bottle of Wild Turkey and when they’d got good and drunk, he told her the whole story.  When he was done telling it, Jody sat there in silence for a while and he knew she was thinking about the people she had lost.  Her son, her husband, friends and neighbors.  All of em things that God could have stopped as easy as pumpkin pie, but didn’t.  “Well, I gotta say, Bobby, I think I’m with Sam on this one.”

“Oh, believe you me, I see that side of it myself.”

“I mean, I guess I always thought that God had some sort of higher purpose, for all the suffering, and it would all fall into place someday, once I knew what that purpose was.  Like, I would feel ok about it once I understood that that was the way things had to be?  For things to be as they should be, you know?  For God’s plan to come out the way it was meant to, in the end.  I never really stopped to consider that maybe God is just an idiot?”

“If you met her, you could see.  She means well.”

“Wasn’t she the one who said the road to Hell is paved with good intentions?”

“I s’pose she knew from personal experience.”

“But knowing didn’t seem to stop her from inflicting her good intentions on the rest of us, now did it, Bobby?”

“Like I said, Jody, I do see that side of it, I surely do.  But.  Well, I think she was just in over her head, a bit.  With Dean to help her now, things’ll maybe be different from here on in?”  He didn’t sound convincing, not even to himself.

“Don’t even get me started on that dubious concept, Bobby.  Dean Winchester as God?  I mean, that’s just crazy!  Seriously.  No way that’s not gonna end up going bad in a big way.  Hm.  If I knew back then what I know now, I guess I should have walked away and let him die one of the zillion times I had the chance.”

“Heh.  Yeah.”  He had thought she was joking but she seemed kinda serious.  She poured herself a full-to-the-brim whiskey and sipped at it.  Bobby didn’t know what more to say, and so said nothing.  But he couldn’t help but think.  Dean as God?  Dean as GOD??  While Jovi essentially turning her back on Earth for centuries and doing nothing with her omnipotence had been bad enough, somehow the idea of Dean, a man of action who’d spent his life rushing in to hordes of slavering monsters to kill everything he could get his hands on and thought plans were for pussies, seemed significantly worse.  It was like following President Obama with President Trump or something. 

Jody was right, Dean being God was the Bad Idea to end all Bad Ideas, and probably literally.  It was only a matter of time before the kid blew his cool in some fashion or another.  People would die, people always did. 

And worst of all, if Dean wasn’t real careful, and and who was Bobby kidding, Dean was never careful, people might find out the truth of who they were really dealing with.

What might humans do if they found out God wasn’t all-knowing, that there wasn’t some benevolent plan, that human misery was largely borne from the misery of a higher power who was hurting even worse than they were?  That the person they’d been counting on to make things all right, was actually all wrong?

Bobby didn’t know, exactly.  He tried to remember being human, the nuances of it, the particulars, but it was fading faster than heaven had faded.  Still, he remembered enough to know that most humans weren’t like Jody.  Most humans weren’t reasonable and sympathetic and decent and slow to react without knowing all the facts.  Most humans were actually the polar opposite of all those things.

Looking at Jody’s face, the disappointment settling in, the defeat, he realized people finding out that God was a lonely needy little girl who was barely hanging on by her fingernails instead of an all-knowing all-seeing type of guy doling out presents to everyone like Oprah, it simply could not be a good thing.  Let alone if they found out about Dean, that there was a brand spankin’ new God who had been a human up till 5 minutes ago, and that he was none too steady himself. 

When you looked at it from the outside it was clear nobody who ought to be was in the driver’s seat. All of creation was careening off a cliff at 100 miles an hour with two scared kids who had stolen their parent’s car behind the wheel.  

Humans would rebel like the angels had rebelled, and the funny thing about people is when they rebel, generally they hurt themselves the most. 

In that moment he knew he’d never be able to be an angel like Gabriel, no matter how bad he wanted to.  Bobby Singer had spent his life fighting against evil and it looked like he’d spend his afterlife doing the same, just in a different capacity.  As a PR rep and cleanup man for the two least awe-inspiring Gods ever.

No matter what the price he had to pay, people couldn’t ever know that the lunatics were in charge of the asylum.    


Over the next several weeks Dean tried, he really tried not to use his powers, and had some measure of success with it.   No more frivolous stuff, he’d decided, no more gambling and miracles and magic tricks.  The juju was for emergency use only.

Dean quickly learned, much to his dismay, that not using his powers actually started to hurt over time, like having a toothache or an ingrown toenail or one of those giant zits you get that just won’t pop no matter how hard you squeeze em.  The urge was an ever-present, irritating, dull ache.  He felt antsy and squirmy and just a little swollen all over his entire body.  He felt tender and sensitive and bruised.  His ears rang and he felt a sensation behind his eyes like there was a monkey in his brain tugging relentlessly on his optic nerves. 

And that was on a good day.  On a bad day the discomfort swelled into insatiable hunger and unquenchable thirst and intense desire all wrapped up with something he now recognized as the creative urge.  Those days he longed for release so he could feel normal again, so he didn’t feel like he was climbing the walls and that his skin was crawling. 

He found giving up his powers harder than quitting drinking, which he also did, but easier than quitting Jovi, which would have been impossible if not for the occasional maintenance dose of hot fury.  He would have missed her terribly except for how dare she, how DARE she create him, create the ridiculous, inexplicable, bottomless pit of emotion he felt, and then reject him?  It made his blood boil which was good because anger was the only thing allowing him to function.  If he didn’t have his anger to cling to he thought he might end up curled in a ball crying or something and Dean Winchester didn’t cry over women and he certainly wouldn’t cry over THAT one.

He was fine without her.  Fine and dandy.

Dean decided to look at his suffering as a means to an end.  Because the more he hurt, the more he felt like he was gonna explode from pent up energy, the stronger he was getting.  And the stronger he was getting the closer he was to defeating Lucifer.  Life was pain, Dean was miserable, but it wouldn’t last forever.  It hurt, it hurt bad, but it was temporary.  Endurable.  It was only a means to an end.  The pain would end when Lucifer was vanquished.  Forever this time, no more half-measures.   

That God had been trying to defeat Lucifer for eons, well, Dean preferred to not dwell on that too awfully much.  Accentuate the positive.  He would win, and he would win SOON.  He just had to get strong enough – mentally, physically, metaphysically – to defeat Lucifer and then with that chore off their to-do list finally, surely Jovi would soften.  Once Jovi wasn’t so stressed out, wasn’t so worried about the fate of the world, she’d be more receptive to new things, probably.  New developments.  Plus, come on, she’d have to be pretty dang impressed that he’d worked the one trick that she never could. 

Not that he cared, really, because he didn’t.  All the things Sam said about her were totally right, and besides that, she wasn’t his type anyway. 

Giving up booze made him sleep better, which surprised him since he’d generally gotten drunk so he could sleep.  He got 10 hours of sleep a night and even took naps in the midafternoon like a child.  He started drinking kombucha, which was awful, and kefir, which was ok, and various fresh squeezed juices, which varied, instead of living off coffee by the pot and the hair of the dog like he had been.  He went Paleo and gave up gluten. He started eating foods he’d never heard of like Acai berries and coconut oil and quinoa.  He communed with his mitochondria and was pleased to find they were full of gratitude for his efforts.  

He did these things even though he knew damn well that it was pointless.  Alls he had to do was have Castiel heal his vessel to be in perfect health.  But Dean discovered there was value in the effort.  He felt in control, he felt like he was accomplishing something and it was only when he dwelled on it too long that he admitted it was probably all just mental masturbation.  

He could feel himself getting stronger again, but so slowly.  Too slowly.  His glory was like a big empty rain barrel filling up and even though it added up it was still just trickling in a few drops at a time.  Chronos was living up to his end of the bargain and keeping the lesser gods on the move, but it wasn’t a perfect system and Lucifer was still catching an unlucky one now and then.  It was a race to the finish, Dean knew, and it was impossible to con himself enough to believe that drinking a flaxseed/spinach smoothie and sleeping in could really be the key to winning Armageddon.

But he did it anyway.  At the least, getting healthy gave him something to focus on.  It gave him something to hang onto, a vine to pull himself out of the divine quicksand he felt like he was sinking in sometimes.

Even as he lamented how slowly his glory accrued, he found he had an excess of physical energy so he took up jogging and weightlifting and kickboxing.  He could exercise for hours on end, then have Castiel heal his vessel and exercise for hours more, putting all his anxiety and misery into smacking a heavy bag and with every punch he threw he told himself he was that much closer to proving to Jovi once and for all that she wasn’t good enough for him.

When one sport got boring he switched to another.  He found his body could learn in days skills that it took humans years to master.  He went mountain biking and golfing and bowled 300 at every alley in the United States which was a huge, strange source of pride for him.  He took up tae kwon do and krav maga and archery and this weird stupid thing called parkour and he got satisfaction in knowing the next time he encountered Lucifer, even if he couldn’t kick his ass, at the least he’d be able to run away in an interesting fashion.   

And yet the pressure kept building.  God was who he was now and he couldn’t just leave it behind and take up a new hobby.  Just like Dean Winchester had once been a Hunter, now he was a Creator.  Needing to create was like a pebble in Dean’s shoe, a burr in his saddle; it poked at him as he was riding a bike down a rocky slope and tickled him as he was putting a golf ball across a green.  The more he hungered to create, the more he came to resent that he couldn’t do it as well as Jovi could, and the more frustrated got about how bad he sucked at it.  He would look at the trees as he whizzed by them on his bike or the blades of grass under his feet on the golf course and feel extreme awe that Jovi could construct something so absolutely perfect completely out of her imagination.  Along with a surge of burning jealousy that he couldn’t do it himself.

Copying things she had already made wasn’t good enough for Dean.  Not anymore.  He wanted to make his own things.  He urgently wanted to show Jovi that he could create things himself, new and dazzling things, so much better than her creations, so she would feel that same awe of him that he felt of her.

But he couldn’t.  He couldn’t even practice.  Freaking Lucifer.  Dean couldn’t even make a fly.  He had to be strong enough to fight Lucifer.  He didn’t have the glory to waste with experiments that would likely end in failure. 

Eventually Dean decided that since he couldn’t make stuff, he would just DO stuff instead.  Fix problems, correct errors.  Perhaps that was where his talents lay.  The things Jovi created were ok and everything, some of them were pretty cool like hummingbirds and watermelon and the Grand Canyon, but surely there was room for improvement.  Just look around, look at the world, what a freaking disaster.  What a mess it all was.  Maybe he could take Jovi’s creations, the things that didn’t work as well as they should, which was most of them in his very humble opinion, and give em a tweak.  Home improvement projects, he thought of them as.  Like training his muscles required small repetitive motions over time, surely he could hone his ability to create the same way.  Little adjustments, again and again, until he mastered creation.

People seemed to be the main problem, thus Dean decided it was people who he’d fix first.  Since he didn’t have the glory to waste on kicking ass, he had to work smarter, not harder.  He did the math and calculated that only a very small percentage of the human population committed most of the violent crimes. He could sense them sticking out of humanity like a sprinkling of black pepper on mashed potatoes.  God, how he loathed them.  So he very, very subtly began to change the odds so the worst people would be just a little more likely to die.  He didn’t kill them, exactly, he just made unlikely, unpleasant events a little more likely to happen until eventually they’d either contract some rare, usually incurable illness or manage to kill themselves through some sort of delicious, poetic justice-y freak accident.

It didn’t take him anywhere near the kind of effort that killing them all outright would have done; in fact it took barely any effort at all.  He could do it on the sly and keep gaining strength at very nearly the same pace.  It just…took the edge off, was all.  Of course he was doing it to make the world a better place and everything, but it also took the edge off.  He figured it was like methadone for a heroin addiction.  A pale imitation of the thing you really wanted to do but somehow it got you through.  

More important, it didn’t attract any untoward attention.  

Dean understood instinctively that the concept of a real live God performing real live miracles, particularly killing-people-related miracles, would have a negative effect on humanity as a whole.  Not only would it scare them, but people seemed to need the uncertainty of it all; the “does God exist” question seemed to spur them in ways that absolute faith couldn’t.  He had read that when training animals, intermittent punishment and intermittent rewards were much more effective training tools than consistency.  Which was mighty effed up when you stopped to think about it, but maybe that was one of Jovi’s careless mistakes that he needed to fix.  When he was strong enough he was going to fix all her mistakes.

This went on for a few weeks before Death wised up to the game and paid Dean a visit. 

Dean had been surfing, his latest endeavor.  He’d been at it for three days and was getting pretty good.  He’d had a crowd of people watching him, even.  As he came out of the surf he saw Death appear, and so he sent his admiring onlookers away with a thought.  “Hey, D-Man. Pallid as ever, I see.” Death was a guy who needed to give up gluten and take up mountain biking, for sure.  Dean stuck his surfboard into the sand and shook his head to dry it.  He was pleased to see that a whole lot of small beads of water flew from his hair to splatter across Death’s black suit.

“You should see yourself, Winchester.”  Dean knew all too well that despite his best efforts at eating clean, despite having spent the last 3 days in the Australian sun, his vessel was still was a little gaunt, a little pale.  His eyes were still sunken and red-rimmed.  He still had more healing to do before he was ready to face Lucifer even though it felt like the healing was killing him.  “I’m sure you’re aware why I’m here?”

“No.”  He was, of course, but it seemed smarter to play dumb.

“Been killing rather a lot of people lately, haven’t we?”


“I thought you’d learned you can’t disturb the natural order?  Remember?  When you tried to do my job for a day and made such a mess of things?”

“Ah, but that was by saving people who were meant to die, not killing people who were meant to be alive.”


“It isn’t semantics.  Your argument is fundamentally flawed, Death, because I can’t go against the natural order.  When I was a human, yeah, sure.  I was subject to the natural order.  But I’m God now.  I create the natural order.  I make the rules, so I can bend em whenever I see fit.  You got a problem with that?” 

“Well, I don’t, no.”

“Jovi sent you?”  Dean found the concept of a messenger sent by Jovi more than a little thrilling, which was irritating.

“Not exactly.   We spoke, and you’re causing her distress.  I took it upon myself.”


“Old friends.  The oldest.” Dean knew that Death and God had been together since the very beginning and just the idea that Death had ever known Jovi so well, had ever had the privilege to be alone with her for a second let alone for trillions of years, caused a flare of jealous rage so great that the earth shook under Dean’s feet.  If Death felt it, he ignored it. “I don’t like to see her that way.  Death is my domain, as her domain is life.  I try to protect her from it, when I can.”

Dean wondered if it had ever been love, as unlikely as it seemed; he wondered if there could be something there still, which seemed even unlikelier.  He realized that even if Death was no more than a friend to her, he did not want Jovi to have a single friend other than him and the earth shook again.  “You have no need to protect Jovi from me.”

“Not from you, Winchester, from the consequences of your actions.”  The concept that Death felt interceding between him and Jovi was even remotely acceptable was infuriating.  Dean wanted Jovi to be for him and him alone, a trillion years in the past and a trillion years in the future.  He knew it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair to want that but he wanted it anyway.  “What you’re doing is stupid anyway, there’s no bloody point.  You’re making a rookie mistake, don’t you realize that?”

“I don’t make mistakes!  I act, and it’s up to everyone beneath me to react.  Nothing I do is a mistake. I am the Word.”

“She is the Word as well, and she doesn’t like killing for no reason!”

“She’s allowing evil people to live.  And they kill.”

“Once they’re dead, they cannot be redeemed.  She allows the evil to live to allow them every opportunity for redemption!”

“They don’t deserve redemption.”

“Redemption isn’t deserved, it is bestowed!  Redemption is a gift, not a payment for services rendered!!”

“I have no interest in arguing about the finer points of Godhood with the likes of you, Death.”

“Well, you should discuss it with someone, because you’re botching the job!”

“Says who?”

“She does.  And honestly, she seemed a little sorry to have made you at all.”

Dean remembered what Lucifer had said, that Jovi wouldn’t have created him without the ability to destroy him, and he remembered that Death’s Scythe maybe-just-maybe could kill God.  Even if the scythe couldn’t kill Jovi, maybe-just-maybe she had made it so the scythe could kill Dean.  Maybe Death was the failsafe that Lucifer had been so sure existed and he felt goosebumps rise even though he was baking in the warm sunshine.  “Is that why she sent you here? To kill me?”

Death laughed drily.  “She didn’t send me.”  The temerity of it, that Death had taken it upon himself to come here!  That Death thought he was worthy of standing in judgement on the actions of God!  The rage boiled inside Dean then out of him and because he knew he couldn’t kill Death, he reached out with that precious power that he’d been so carefully preserving, that had taken him so much effort to accumulate, that he knew he shouldn’t be squandering, and he snuffed out every one of the evil men (and a not-small group of evil women) that he’d been killing off one by one by one.  Snuffed them in a heartbeat. Death sensed it immediately, of course.  His beady eyes went wide and a flush of red appeared on his pale cheeks. “I had plans tonight!”

“Guess you’ll have to reschedule.”

“I’m trying to explain, what I came here to try to explain, Winchester, you can’t just kill off the evil!  It doesn’t work like that!

“I know, because it looks suspicious.”

“No, because it’s pointless!  You realize every evil person who falls, more rise to take their place?”


“Evil is largely about opportunity, you twit.  Human nature and opportunity.  The world is full of people who would simply love to be evil, to do evil, but they just never had the chance yet.  All you’ve done is created millions of job openings that will soon be filled, and the precise sort of chaos in which evil thrives!”

“Maybe, but the world will get a couple good years before they do.”

“You’ll see.”  And he disappeared.

That night, the evening news breathlessly reported millions of inexplicable deaths across the world.  People were saying it was Armageddon.  There were bank runs and all the food in all the grocery stores was gone because people were hoarding it.  Riots and revolutions had broken out around the globe.  People were sacrificing animals and virgins.  There were mass suicides, mass murders, genocide.  North Korea launched a nuclear warhead into Portland, Oregon.  Apparently Death had been correct, there were still plenty more evil people left to take the place of the ones Dean had killed.  Hundreds of thousands of innocent people were dead already and the number kept climbing.  It was like the aftermath of a tsunami where the death toll keeps rising and you’re wondering how high could it possibly go.  

Exactly like a tsunami, he realized.  He had unleashed a tidal wave of divine wrath and the world was drowning in the wake of his temper.  He may as well have made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.  Dean, of course, didn’t have to watch the news, he already knew everything that was happening.  He knew because billions of people were praying at him, giving him a full accounting of the penalty humanity was paying because he had faltered for a split second.  He felt each and every one of those prayers like he was being poked all over with small icy needles, millions of them per second. 

It didn’t seem right that you could be good – better than good, great, practically perfect even – like 99.99% of the time but with a single, brief moment of weakness, just like that, boom, everything is undone.  It occurred to him that of all the demons they had ever fought, he had just done worse than them all combined because he was upset that a girl didn’t like him any more.

He knew it all already.  He didn’t need the news to tell him, he knew how bad it was.  He had turned on the news so Sam could find out about it without Dean having to actually tell him what he’d done.  Sam and Castiel sent alarmed looks back and forth at each other as they watched the images on the screen but no one said a word.  Dean sat on the couch and stared into space and chewed the inside of his cheek till he tasted blood.  He couldn’t decide if it was worse that they didn’t say anything, or if it was better.

They didn’t even look his way. 

After a while Dean got up and left the room.  He got drunk for the first time in weeks and took sleeping pills at the same time.  A whole lot of sleeping pills.  He figured it didn’t matter, not like he could die anyway, so he took the whole bottle and then conjured up another whole bottle and took that too.  Then he took some other stuff he found in the cabinet, cough syrup and antihistamines and painkillers and he washed it down with whiskey.

There was something symbolic about it, ritualistic, even though he knew he couldn’t die.

If he could have died, he would have, he would have died to take it all back if he could but he didn’t have enough power to undo what he had done and he couldn’t die.  If he could have died he would have died of shame.  Dean was so ashamed of himself, of his anger, of his pride, of his lack of self-control that he wanted to die and so he pretended that he could.  He just wanted to be numb, completely and totally numb for a while.

It worked.


Sam called Bobby back from South Dakota.  

It wasn’t because of what Dean had done, it wasn’t because everyone on Earth was freaking out and killing each other or that it was all Dean’s fault, because that seemed like such an insurmountable thing Sam just wanted to push it away forever and never think of it again, even though that made him a bad person or something, probably.  

Sam called Bobby back because the bunker was full of animals and Dean wouldn’t wake up.  Dean was making animals in his sleep.  Wild animals.  Lots of them.  He couldn’t create things when he was awake, but apparently when he was unconscious he had the knack, and Sam couldn’t get him to wake up.  Castiel had healed him, had filtered the drugs and alcohol out of his system, but Dean still wouldn’t wake up.  It was like he didn’t want to wake up or something.

Bobby already knew what had happened of course and when he appeared he waved off Sam’s apology.  “I was on my way anyways, ya idjit,” he said as he kicked what Sam recognized as a Komodo dragon away.  “I saw the news.”  Bobby ducked as a peregrine falcon swooped past his head in pursuit of one of the hundreds of small rodents that scurried across the floor.  “It’s like Noah’s frigging Ark in here!”  

“Tell me about it!  What do we do?”

“Well, put em back where they came from, I guess.”  That’s the way the night went.  They tried to get Dean to wake up, tried everything from cold showers to coffee, but he wouldn’t wake up.  As the animals appeared Sam would Google them and try to find out where they belonged and then Bobby and Castiel would drop them off whereever it was on Earth – an adventure made all too thrilling by the frequent appearances of Bengal tigers and alligators, animals which Dean had a particular affinity for.  Thankfully, Dean didn’t seem to be able to create dinosaurs which he also loved, or, as Bobby quipped, “We’dve had to open up our own version of Jurassic Park.” When the angels were gone and couldn’t see him doing it, Sam pray-screamed at Jovi to come and help them, to do something, to do anything, and she didn’t answer, naturally.

Sam was so over Jovi it wasn’t even funny.

Gabriel, thankfully, did hear and respond, and a good thing too because Sam didn’t think they could have managed without him.  He seemed to think the entire situation was hilarious and cracked jokes and threatened to give Dean a cocaine enema if he didn’t wake up soon.  Somehow his high spirits were contagious and pretty soon they were laughing even though everything was infinity miles beyond awful. 

When Dean woke up the next morning, Sam was dozing on the couch fitfully.  Dean had stopped making animals a couple hours prior and the angels had gone off to see what they could do to mitigate the civil unrest.

There was only one animal left, the last one Dean had made.  It didn’t have a place in the world any more since it was technically extinct.  Sam hoped against hope that Dean might find some joy in it.

Dean had finally managed to make a Dodo.

Dean shuffled in, holding his body stiffly, his fists clutched tight and drawn up to his chest like he was sore or injured or really cold.  Sam knew that he couldn’t be hurt because Castiel had healed Dean repeatedly during the night and he realized with a chill that some injuries are on the inside where no one can really see.  Sam sat up as the dodo waddled over to Dean and gazed up at him with an adoring expression on its cartoonish face.  Dean stared at it blankly.  “You made it in your sleep.”

“Did she come, Sam?”

She hadn’t, of course, and Sam was overcome with a sudden need to change the subject. “The dodo, Dean, you did it, see, isn’t that awesome?  Now you can just copy it and…”

“Did she come, Sam, and if you ask who, so help me…”

“No.  She didn’t.”  Dean sighed, and blinked, and sighed again.  He looked at the dodo and much to Sam’s dismay the rotund bird disappeared into a cloud of dust and then the dodo dust disappeared into nothing.  “Dean, wait!  What?”

“You can’t just remake old things, Sam.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s against the natural order.”  Dean shuffled in that strange stiff way into the kitchen and stopped.  Since he’d been on his health-food kick the kitchen was full of vitamin bottles and exotic fruits that Sam didn’t recognize.  “It had its chance.”

“But I thought you wanted…”

“I wanted?”  Dean’s voice cracked and he spun around and the expression on his face, Sam didn’t recognize it.  Like, he barely even recognized it was Dean that’s how different he looked.  Like, unhinged, totally unhinged.  If Dean’s eyes had been twirling in spirals, they would have matched what rest of his face looked like.  “I WANTED!?!  Since when has what I WANTED mattered?  In my LIFE?  Never?  I didn’t think so!”  As he yelled spit flew out of his mouth, so much spit that Sam could see it from across the room.

“Dean.  It’s ok.  Who cares, about the dodo, or whatever.  It doesn’t matter.  Just…it’s ok.  It’s fine!  Do you…do you want to talk, or something maybe?”  Sam desperately hoped Dean would say no because Sam didn’t know where to even begin, I mean what could a person say that could begin to make yesterday even remotely ok?  He hadn’t the foggiest notion.  They didn’t exactly make Hallmark cards full of encouraging platitudes for when God gets cranky.

Dean tugged the refrigerator open way too vehemently and everything inside sloshed and jostled in protest.  He bent over to rummage around inside it.  “And what, pray tell, might I want to talk about, Sammy?”

“Uh, I don’t know, yesterday?”

He slammed the fridge shut and turned, his arms full of juices and smoothies and other mystery potions.  “Do I WANT to TALK about YESTERDAY?”  Dean flung a bottle of wheatgrass juice at the wall.  It shattered, leaving a massive green splot on his Van Gogh.  “Hell YEAH I want to talk about YESTERDAY!”  He flung a bottle of something vivid orange at the floor roughly in the neighborhod of Sam’s feet, which were bare because he’d been sleeping.  Sam could feel droplets of icy juice splash his lower legs.

“Hey!  Dean…!?”

“But do I want to talk you YOU, Sammy?”  He flung a yogurt smoothie in a plastic container at the TV.   It went right through the screen and exploded on the wall on the other side and Sam recalled Dean had supernatural strength and didn’t feel particularly awesome about being right in his line of sight.  “I can say pretty EMPHATICALLY…” He threw another bottle Sam’s direction, so fast Sam couldn’t see what it was till it hit the floor and drenched his feet in purple fluid.  Beet juice.  “…That I DO NOT!”  The last bottle whizzed right past Sam’s head and hit the wall with a loud ker-sploosh.

As his brother spun on his heel and yanked opened the fridge again looking for more ammunition, Sam took the opportunity to flee, ignoring the tiny shards of glass burrowing into his bare feet as he did.  He heard another bottle breaking behind him and felt more liquid hit the back of his legs.  As he shut the door behind him, another bottle hit the door hard enough to shake the entire wall and Sam wondered what would have happened if he’dve been ten seconds slower and the bottle had hit his skull instead.

Castiel and Bobby appeared beside him.  They were both filthy and exhausted and they’d only been gone a few hours.  Whatever Dean had unleashed, it was bad.  “What’s the ruckus?”  Bobby asked, but Sam could only shake his head.

From behind the closed door they could hear the sounds of smashing plastic and shattering glass as Dean obliterated the vestiges of his latest self-improvement project.  The destruction continued until he must have run out of stuff to throw.  There was a long moment of silence and then Dean howled in frustration, an inhuman sound of pure wounded animal agony that shook the entire bunker.  Sam clapped his hands over his ears and winced because it was so loud his teeth hurt, but more than that his heart ached for his brother.  Before Sam could stop him, Bobby opened the door to go to Dean’s aid.

The horrible sound stopped.

There was no glass, no mess.  It was like nothing had even happened.

Dean was gone.

Part 13 is here:





Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 11 – Angles in the Architecture

Supernatural: Manic Pixie God Girl Part 11 – Angles in the Architecture

It’s been awhile, but I finally finished this bit of fluff!!  Link to Part 10 is here: and if you want to start at the first one, it’s here:

Dean and Sam and the angels rushed around preparing for World War Three (probably literally) and he frantically called to an unanswering Jovi every second or two but then nothing happened.   An hour passed, and then two, and then three. Dean was thinking about maybe ordering some pizzas when someone pounded on the door of the bunker. It was Jovi and she had Chronos with her. The guy looked pretty rough; Lucifer had worked him over good and he even had a couple bites taken out of him by the looks of it.  But he was alive, which was good, Dean supposed. “Why did you knock?”

“The door was locked!”

“Well.  Ok. But why didn’t, you know, you just show yourself in?”

“It’s warded, you idiot!”

“Oh, I didn’t know that.  Sorry.”

“Who cares, would you help me?”  Dean realized suddenly that Chronos was leaning pretty heavily on Jovi and he leaned in and took the weight off.  He realized with a start that Chronos had only one foot.    

His other leg ended at a bloody stump with a bone sticking out from it.  “Yeah, he ate my foot!! Can you believe that? What kind of a fricking freak eats a guy’s foot!?”

“A fricking freak that’s gonna be defeated very soon.”

“That is only one out of many possible futures, Winchester, virtually all of which end with us facing horrible defeat, death if we’re lucky, but most of the time an eternity of torment and servitude groveling at Lucifer’s feet.  Both of them.”

“Welcome to my world.”

Dean managed to get Chronos over to a couch where he could lay down.  Jovi glared at Sam, who had wandered in when he heard the ruckus. “Get these wards down now, Sam.  We need Oriphiel!”

“Well, actually, Jovi, uh.”  Sam apparently had something he didn’t particularly want for Jovi to know.  “Um. Crowley can come in whenever he wants. Already.”

“Oh, so they’re me wards, and not him wards.  Got it.” She looked up and to the side as if thinking about something very far away and a moment later Crowley heeded the call and appeared.  He was wearing khakis and a weathered t-shirt advertising a band Dean had never heard of, the Stone Roses. He was wearing black Converse high top sneakers and the shoelaces had smiley faces wearing sunglasses on them.  Dean was stunned because it was the first time he ever saw the guy not wearing either a suit or those horrible silk pajamas. “We need some old people, Ori.  Like, super old, doddering if you can find anyone that’s doddering, and sick…”

“Old people taste like cough drops!”

“Shut up, Chronos.  It’s the best we can do.  Oriphiel, seriously, I mean like, practically dying.  And make them kind of bad, maybe, mean people, could you?  That no one likes?”

Crowley nodded.  “The naughty list, eh?  I’ll see what I can do.”  He vanished.

“He’s not gonna eat any people here, Jovi.”

“He has to, Dean.  He needs food and that’s all there is for him to eat!  The apples are gone now and no one worships him any more.  Ok? I know it’s messed up, I get it that it offends your delicate sensibilities, but it’s just like one of those nature shows with the coyote chasing the baby wildebeest, and maybe you’re rooting for the baby wildebeest to get away the whole time but you know in the back of your mind that the coyote has to eat too!”

“People shoot coyotes.”

“That’s gratitude for you.  I saved your life!” Everyone ignored Chronos.

“Dean, um, I hate to tell you, but for all you and I know, if people stopped worshipping us, and the way things are going nowadays who even knows, we’d be right there with him.  Think about THAT.” Huh. He hadn’t ever stopped to consider that could be the case. “If you can’t handle it, leave the room. I’ll tell you when it’s over.”

Dean and Sam went to mull about in the hall, which was fine since Dean had a question or two for his little brother.  “Did you or Cas make a ward to keep her out?”

“Yeah, like, a while ago.”  Sam said it in a defensive way that made Dean mighty suspicious that he’d been left out of the loop on that decision on purpose.  “I mean, it wasn’t a secret or anything.”

“Just a teeny tiny little old non-secret that nobody thought to mention to me, I see.”

“We would have told you if you would have asked.”  

“How would I have known to ask about something I didn’t even know existed?”

Dean, it wasn’t a secret?”

“What if I wanted her here?  Did you ever think of that?”

“She could come in if she was invited.  Just not…randomly.”

“Well I want her off the list, Sam.  No more wards. Lucifer, of course. Duh.  Demons, sure, you bet. But not Jovi, for cripes’ sake.”

“What if we don’t?  Want her here, I mean.  Uninvited.”

“Do it anyway.”

“Oookay.”  Dean could tell Sam was pissed, but what ya gonna do, can’t please everyone.


Sam sniffed and sucked in his cheeks and rolled his eyes all around and stormed off with his hair fully aflop.  Dean snorted a laugh and leaned against the wall to wait, his mind buzzing with prayers he didn’t have the strength to answer.  He blocked them out the best he could and thought about dodos. Maybe he couldn’t make the exact same dodos that Jovi had done but maybe he could mix up penguins and ostriches and a hint of pelican together and see what came out.   He filed that concept away for further investigation at a later point in time.

Faster than one might have thought – Dean shook off the image of a frat boy chugging his way through a case of beer – Jovi poked her head out into the hall.  “It’s done.”

There seemed to be no remnants, no remains of whatever had transpired.  Chronos appeared to be back to his usual self again, healed and perky, the proud bearer of two feet, upon which he stood.  He was complaining. “Horrible, that was absolutely HORRIBLE! Ugh!!” He groaned as if he felt nauseous. “Gawd that was like eating Butter Flavored Crisco!!”  Crowley was gone; Dean assumed he was dutifully getting rid of the evidence. Jeez, might be nice to have an obedient minion for a freaking change. But who in their right mind would’ve ever have bet on Crowley to be the desirable choice?  “Please, Mr. God, Sir, may I have some more?”

“Don’t press your luck, Chronos.”

Chronos extended his regrown foot to the side to peer at it appraisingly.  “I can’t even believe he could catch me in the time stream. He came up behind me, ME??  In TIME, and chomp! That’s…that’s…you guys, he’s really getting stronger.”

“Yeah, tell it to my face.”  

The offhand remark reminded Jovi about the boxing match.  “What were you even thinking, Dean, that was so stupid of you!”

“I know.”

“If something had happened to poor Chronos because of you I would have totally gone medieval on your ass and believe me when I say, I know how!”

“I KNOW.”  Poor Chronos.  Waaahh.

“You weren’t strong enough to face him yet!  And now he KNOWS that!!??”

“Jovi, I know, ok?”

“Is that all you have to say for yourself?”

“Look, I didn’t come after him, he came after me.”

“Oh sure.  Just like you didn’t deliberately answer prayers after I told you not to.”

“All right, I cop to that one, but the Lucifer thing just kinda…happened.”

“Well, it shouldn’t have.  What are we gonna do?” Jovi’s face crumpled; he hadn’t even realized she was that upset about it but apparently she was.  Before he could, you know, offer her a shoulder, Chronos was already there. Geez.  Dean couldn’t even get a half a chance it didn’t seem like.  Somebody was always right there every time.

“Hey, it’s ok, come on.  I’m gonna help you guys, I promise.  I was being an ass before, but he ate my foot.  Some things are just unforgivable.”

“But how can you, Kiki?”  Had she just called him Kiki?  That seemed awfully affectionate-nickname-y.  “You’re not strong enough to take on Lucifer.”

“I don’t need brute strength, Mom, I have cunning.  Personally I think only nincompoops want to stand around whailing on each other to see whichever one of them falls down first…No offense, man.  I just prefer to defeat from afar.”

“You’re gonna get yourself killed again.”

“Nah.  I don’t have to take him on, directly, Jovi, don’t you see?  I just have to beat him to the punch and exit stage left before he catches me.  I’ll buy you guys enough time to…do whatever it is you do…to recover, or whatever.  Recuperate.  Regenerate.  Go to the spa. On the seventh day, He Rested?  And/or she.  That kind of thing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Play keep away.   Keep away from Lucifer.”

“You mean…”

“Yeah, I just keep the gods on the move.  He’ll show up whenever, but I’ll already know that, of course, because the timeline will be all effed up, and I’ll go back and get there just before he does, and evacuate everybody.  So then he’ll waste a bunch of time looking around for a god that’s supposed to be there, but isn’t. And then when the coast is clear I just drop everybody right back where they’re supposed to be.  Lucifer stays hungry, the timeline is safe.”

“That’s…that’s a really good idea.”

“Resurrecting me was a brilliant one.”  Dean believed that that remained to be seen.  “I can’t guarantee that it’ll work, but all we can do is try, right?  I’ll keep you posted.” He pressed a noisy kiss onto Jovi’s hair (grr) and disappeared.

Dean blinked, considering how nicely things seemed to be working out.  “He seems, uh, nicer than I remember.”

Jovi’s eyes widened and she shook her head quickly.  “No, he’s totally up to something.”


“Oh yeah.  Big time.”

“Like teaming up with Lucifer?”

“Uh, no, not quite that big time, I guess.  Small time. But something. He never helped me voluntarily before unless he needed something or had an angle.  Like, in all of history I don’t think. Ever. It’s always been tit for tat with us.” Dean did not love that choice of words.   “Just…don’t trust him, that’s all. He’s very charming when he wants to be and a lot of fun, I honestly think the two of you could be great friends if you take him as he is and don’t expect anything…oh, I don’t know, human…but don’t trust him.  Not even to like, turn your back to pee.”

“Can I trust you?”

“Of course.  But don’t pee in front of me though.”

He laughed and waited for her to continue but she didn’t.  She smiled and swallowed a gulp of air and tilted her head which was her tell, the signal that she was about to disappear.  To stop her Dean felt himself blurting words, a word, actually, before he thought it through. “Pizza!”


“Do you wanna, I was thinking about, getting pizza?”

“Oh, sure, I guess.”  But what he had thought would be pizza for two ended up as a three-way when Crowley showed back up.  Then everyone invited themselves and somebody told Gabriel and he swung by for a while bringing a couple of cases of beer along with him, and pork rinds, and cigars.  Dean made a God-size dent in the beer and found himself staring at Jovi delicately crunching salty fried pigskin across a smoky room full of people and entities and pizza boxes and half-drunk 2-liter bottles of Coke products and wondering if she still liked him and how he was gonna make it the next several months without using any of his powers because he really kind of enjoyed using them, a lot.   

Jovi ate only vegetarian pizza and Crowley teased her mercilessly for it, considering that she had just fed several elderly human beings to a hungry god, and she laughed and laughed.  He wasn’t funny at all either by the way. One time he saw them entwine fingers just for a second but it could have been just a friendship thing, maybe. Friends did that, right? He didn’t have any female friends to compare with since the women unlucky enough to pass his way never seemed to survive long enough to befriend.  She flirted with Bobby, sitting on his lap once and stealing his hat and putting it on her own head; Dean figured she probably could’ve had the old coot eating right out of her hand by the end of the performance. Even Castiel seemed to be warming up to her although he still gave Crowley the ol’ stinkeye.  Sam wasn’t, preferring to sit alone in a corner and scowl, but screw him.  

Dean felt happy and sad at the same time and wished everything could be just like it was only with a couple of the places switched around maybe.  There was this beautiful normalcy to it and in his life, Dean had had precious little of that.  It was mindblowing to think that there was a whole planet of people out there who did stuff like this all the time, every weekend, just got together with friends for impromptu pizza parties.  Even more mindblowing, the only reason they could do that and have that life was because of him, because he was looking out for them, keeping the world spinning and the laws of physics in place and the forces of evil at bay.  The latter had always been true to some extent, but the God angle really took the weight resting uneasily on his shoulders to a whole nother level. And he couldn’t even help them, the humans; here they were crying out to him for protection and he could do nothing.  A God who couldn’t use his glory, what was even the point? He was useless.  Just like Crowley had said, he was impotent.

On that cheery note he decided to go out for some air.  Nobody noticed, and he was glad. He slipped outside and walked down the road a ways into the darkness, looked up at the stars and even when he reached out for a moment and connected with every particle in the universe, he felt very alone.  Most of it really was just empty space; he had heard it said before but now he could reach out and touch it and prove to himself that it was true.

It must have been hell for Jovi, outgoing as she was, alone for so long in the endless nothing.  Alone in a way that he couldn’t even fathom, alone for eternity practically, most of the time weak like he was weak now, waiting impatiently for her powers to regenerate so she could cut another piece of them loose to take the next step, set into place the next building block of her creation so that eventually she wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.  He remembered how scared she had been that night she cleavered her arm; how bad it hurt and he’d only done it just on his pinky. And how embarrassing she seemed to find it for people to know, as if she was ashamed of it all. The courage, or desperation it must have required for her to make that sacrifice again and again, innumerable times, to have created everything in the universe that way including his own worthless impotent ass was humbling and heartbreaking and he felt tears sting his eyes just from trying to imagine it.

Dean heard the door open and shut and figured it was Sam coming to demand that he get everyone out of the bunker because he wanted to go to bed or some stupid thing like that since Sam was incapable of having fun, ever, but it wasn’t.  It was Jovi, he could feel her. He said nothing, didn’t move, didn’t even breathe. Part of him wanted her to go away and part of him didn’t. Despite the pitch dark and his silence she approached him so easily it confirmed for certain that she really could sense him just the way he could sense her and he felt all kinds of ways about that.   “Are you ok?” Again it was like she had read his mind and again he wished for the ability to do the same. “Things are gonna work out, Dean, they always do…”

He kissed her.  It wasn’t something he thought through, the urge just took him and he did it.

There weren’t words in any language anywhere for the sensation.  The nearest thing he could come up with was one of those compilation videos where a whole bunch of nuclear bombs went off one right after the other to Rob Zombie music only he was standing at ground zero for every one of them getting the flesh blasted right off his skeleton.  In a very, very, very good way. Very.

Don’t let it go, don’t let it go, don’t let it go…but she let go.  She took a step back and blinked real slow as if in a daze and he thought for a moment that was it, he had her, he won and it could last forever.  But then she stepped forward instead and slapped him right in the face and it was like being hit by Lucifer all over again. He hadn’t been expecting it though, didn’t brace himself, and she laid him out flat, he fell over hard to the side and couldn’t even get his hand up to break his fall.  He actually said oof. His ear where she’d smacked him rang and hissed and throbbed and he saw stars. He worked his jaw to try to shake the feeling.

She stood over him with her tiny fists clenched.  “You had your chance!”


Gee, what a surprise, it all blew up in Dean’s face.

Sam would have loved, seriously, loved, to possibly get a word in edgewise with his big brother at some point during that day but Dean was too busy getting in fistfights with the Devil and sacrificing old people to immortals and inviting God over for pizza.  And after dinner he had disappeared, off somewhere with The Flying Spaghetti Monster apparently, since she was missing too.

Looking over at Castiel and Crowley playing XBox and laughing together – he didn’t think he’d ever seen Cas laugh that much in like a whole entire year, let alone a few hours and it sure looked like he was getting over his whole angel-demon hybrid issue – and Bobby who hadn’t stopped grinning since she had buttered him all up and given him a lap dance practically, Sam felt like he was the only being in the universe who hadn’t completely lost their minds over their new addition.  It just added insult to injury when Jovi suddenly reappeared in the bunker, making Sam long for his dearly departed wards. By the look on her face he knew right away something had happened, they had argued, maybe. Good. She tugged at Crowley’s arm. “We’re leaving.”

Before they could disapparate Dean was back.  He had a rapidly blackening black eye but he didn’t look angry, he looked humiliated and maybe…hurt?  Not physically, either. Emotionally, and Sam had never been too awfully sure that Dean even had emotions in the way that most people tended to define them.  “Leaving? How does it feel to be that whipped, Crowley?”

“Glorious.”  Crowley smirked and he and Jovi vanished.  

Dean kicked the nearest chair and it flew across the room and into the wall.  It shattered into a million pieces and he called it back and repaired it inside a second but as soon as it dropped back into place he kicked it into the wall again.  “Dean!”

Much to Sam’s surprise Dean pointed a finger at him.  “This is all your fault!”

“MY fault!”

“If you would have just given her a break then none of this would have happened!”

“What happened?”

“It’s none of your business what happened!”

“Dean, calm down!”

“I could have had everything, everything, Sammy, and you had to ruin it for me!”

“How did I…what did I…what…”

“How many times are you going to completely eff up my life, Sam?  Were you born to do it, or is it like, just the most random string of coincidences ever?”

Sam hadn’t noticed at first, but Castiel had risen and approached Dean.  Sam had always found it interesting how Castiel could calm Dean down when no one else could.  He figured it was because Cas and Dean didn’t have all the brother baggage between them, but it grated on Sam’s nerves when Dean seemed to respond more to Castiel and even Crowley in some ways than he did Sam.  And in the meantime, Sam had no such luxury; no release valve, no wing men, no real friends to turn to when Dean was pissing him off.  All his friends were Dean’s friends first. Didn’t seem exactly fair sometimes. “Dean, come on, let’s, let’s not say anything we might regret here.”

“Tell that to him, Cas, he’s the one that can’t keep his damn mouth shut!”

“Just, just, just…cool off first, all right, kid?”  Bobby. “Sober up. You can sort it out in the morning.”  Something about the way Bobby said it made Sam realize with a start that both Castiel and Bobby blamed him at least in part for whatever was going on too, and that was, just like, so totally ridiculous since he didn’t even know what he’d done to start out with.

“What did I even DO?”  He really literally had no idea, because it was obviously about Jovi, and what had he even done to Jovi, ever, except simply remind people, on occasion, of all the things that she had done in the first place.   A pretty bizarre state of affairs when somehow the person who wrongs everyone again and again gets off scot free with no repercussions because they’re little and cute and look sad and say they’re, like, so totally sorry and everything, while the person who simply, on occasion, brings up those wrongs and says hey maybe we should, you know, keep these things in the back of our minds, here, guys, even if she has boobs somehow gets morphed into the bad guy.  That’s really, pret-ty bizarre when you stop to think about it.   He hadn’t. even. done. anything!

“Aw, Sam, shut up for a change.”  Bobby really did seem to think that he, Sam, innocent bystander, had some part in all this when he was just sitting there like a good little scapegoat.

Regardless of what Sam had or hadn’t done, Cas was able to work his magic on Dean despite that because Dean ground his teeth and swallowed the rest of whatever it was he’d been about to say.  “I’m going to the bar.” Which seemed like the worst idea ever but no one wanted to say that and risk getting Dean all riled up again.

“I’ll go with you.”  Castiel inspected Dean’s eye which was nearly swollen shut and was turning shades of violet that Sam wouldn’tve thought the human body could produce and well, maybe it couldn’t.  “Let me…”

“Leave it.”


“Leave it!”  Dean turned and stormed towards the door.  About halfway there he disappeared.  Castiel sighed and looked at Sam, and then Bobby, and Sam again, and followed suit.

Sam turned to Bobby and rolled his eyes.  Bobby raised his eyebrows. “What? You too?”

“I, just…I don’t think you’re that dumb, is all, Sam.”

“Well, apparently, I am, Bobby.”

“He loves her, ya idjit.”

“If he does, it’s only because she forced him to.”

“I don’t know about that.  I ain’t so sure.”

“Well, I am sure, Bobby, and it’s kind of my job, as Dean’s brother, to, you know, point that out?  Even when people don’t particularly like hearing it.”

“I don’t get the two of you, sometimes, Sam, I really don’t.  It’s like each of you exists to screw up the other one’s life.  I mean, dysfunctional don’t even really start to cover it.”


“I want you to take a second and think, if the roles were reversed here, and you were sitting where Dean was…”

“He’d be doing exactly what I’m doing, Bobby!”

“You bet your ass he would, and that’s my point.  Just when things start to get good, just when either one of you have a chance at some scrap of a normal on life on your own terms…”

“How is being turned into GOD in any way normal?”

Bobby ignored him.  “…in pops the other one to pull it all down, and drag ya back down into the mud.  He’s done it to you, Sam, you know he has, with Jess, hell, even you and Ruby seemed kind of happy for a while there…”

“Ruby was evil!  And I was miserable!”

“That’s neither here nor there, it’s the same thing is what I’m saying.  Even with that veterinarian lady you were telling me about…”

“Dean had nothing to do with me and Amelia.”

“…just the idea of each other, it keeps you from letting other people into your inner sanctum, you know, your heart, or whatever, and I’m gonna kick your ass later for making me say that.  You can’t tell me that you weren’t holding back some with her, with Amelia, because of Dean. Because you figured he’d come back someday and you knew you’d choose him so you let her go back to her husband because eventually you knew you’d be gone.  It’s not normal, Sam! What you guys got between you, it’s beautiful, it’s amazing, but it ain’t normal. Don’t you think it’s long past time you just, one or the other of you, I don’t know…disengage?”

“Bobby, you don’t understand.”

“I understand that the love of a man’s life ain’t supposed to be his brother.  That much I understand. You’re missing out, boys. You got so focused on each other and on this goddamn war you’re fighting that you’re missing out on the one thing that makes it all worthwhile.”

“What do you know about it?  You’re just as bad as us.”

“That’s cause the love of my life died.  I had her and I lost her and so for me, all that was left was the war.  But you knuckleheads, you never took the chance. Maybe you, for a minute or two, with Jess, had that kind of happiness, I don’t know, but I know that for sure Dean never has.  He maybe thought he tried it with Lisa but I don’t think he ever really did, because if he had, if he jumped in with both feet ‘stead of just dipping a toe into the pool, he never would have let go.”

“That was for her protection, Bobby, he had no choice!”

“There’s always a choice, Sam.  You make the choice and you make it work.  No matter how much it costs you.  But you and Dean, you two keep choosing each other. You boys are like goddamn Siamese twins, stuck together.  Someone needs to come along with a hatchet and give you a good chop down the middle and force you to live on your own.  Whether you want to or not. Cause this…this ain’t healthy.”

Bobby got up and left and Sam just sat there thinking for a while.  

Later that night Sam went into the closet and took a long look at Jess.  He tried to remember what it had felt like, being with her. He tried to remember what it had felt like to be in love, not cautiously, not like it had been with Amelia with both of them guarded and scarred and looking over their shoulders every moment waiting for ancient history to rise up and clobber them over the heads, but new and fresh and exciting, like everything in the whole wide universe, like their love was the only thing that mattered.  He couldn’t remember any more. He could remember experiencing an emotion and academically he comprehended that emotion was what people called love. But he couldn’t remember what that emotion felt like and he wondered if love was another thing he had sacrificed on the altar along with his parents and his life and his soul.

For what, for what?  Who even knew. So Dean could have, as he said himself, everything.  Magic powers, an eternal lifespan, supernatural creatures fighting over who got to be BFFs with him, and a hot chick to bang.  And love like a big fat cherry on top of the “Dean gets everything” sundae.  Sam couldn’t even remember what love felt like and yet Dean had it handed to him on a silver platter.

Ok.  That seemed totally fair.

Dean came rolling in around 5 am.  Castiel had come in hours before looking worried and defeated.  Sam knew all this because he hadn’t slept. He was waiting for Dean to come home and the sheet covered lump that had once housed Jess stood nearby.   They looked at each other carefully, cautiously. “Where have you been all this time?” There was no reproach in his voice, only curiosity. He was over the worst of it by that point.

“Waitress.”  He made it look so easy, to forget that way, but Sam had tried that path a time or two himself and he found that it didn’t work.  By the look on Dean’s bruised face it hadn’t worked for him, either. He seemed embarrassed and Sam had the distinct feeling Dean would have much rather no one witnessed his walk of shame.  Even though he didn’t particularly want to, Sam felt a rush of pity for his brother.

“Get rid of her.”


Sam gestured at Jess.  “I don’t…the person who was with Jess…is dead.  Or gone. Or something. That part of me is…broken, I think, Dean.  And…I don’t think it would be fair…to Jess…to bring her back for the sake of somebody that doesn’t exist any more.”

Dean said nothing, but he understood.  He nodded slowly and on the 5th time he nodded Jess was gone and the sheet fell to the floor, empty.    

standing up by backing down pt. 2

standing up by backing down pt. 2

A couple weeks ago I had a blog entry  about how conservatives should, like, STAHP with the appeals to the Founding Fathers and invoking the ghost of Davy Crockett and work at humanizing ourselves to people in NON-political ways.  This is a necessity because Republican leaders both political and cultural have seemed to go out of their way to embrace their role as the Black Hat Evil Darth Vader Society in some weird faux pageant put on for the benefit of the American voters.  The trouble is, the Republican leaders both political and cultural did not realize that somewhere along the way a whole lot of liberals started to believe in the weird faux pageant and that the Democrats really actually hated us, no more playin’.  They have come to see us as real live unremorseful unrepentant bad guys who wanted to turn back the hands of time to a 1932 or something while evilly laughing mwah-ha-hah.

Liberals have come to see conservatives as evil villains who need to be eradicated, either by waiting around for old people to die, or maybe even by taking some steps to hurry the #winning process along a bit (such as, letting 16 year olds vote, for instance.)

It’s a good piece, probably better than this one will be LOL, but it got long and philosophical and as sometimes happens I had to set aside some of what I wanted to say to allow my argument space to breathe.  But my brain keeps coming back to the stuff I left out, and so I think I gotta take a moment to lay it out for everyone again, just from a slightly different angle this time.

As some of you know I occasionally write stuff for Ordinary Times which is a kind of online news magazine where people across the political spectrum come together to talk about political stuff, cultural stuff, and all sorts of other stuff.  The philosophy of Ordinary Times is meant to be “there is more that brings us together than separates us”, a cause which I’m fully on board with.  Mostly, I think the real live point of Ordinary Times is more a place where some very tame or very foolish conservatives show up to be tag teamed into submission into by some really aggressive liberals – and a few nice ones – who don’t seem to have jobs or something (or have super flexible ones) since they have what appears to be endless amounts of time to argue online.  But I digress.

So to my dismay, through no fault of my own since I have no ill intent towards liberals whatsoever, I find I’m pretty quickly becoming one of the main conservative baddies at Ordinary Times.  I may even be growing into a role as the actual ringleader of the bad guys, a situation which is both astounding and mindboggling to me, a person who really mostly just wants to write about sandwiches.  But that’s kind of the point of my thinkpiece, here, right??  That liberals, even nice ones, seem to really and truly think, that conservatives – even people who are pretty reasonable and fairly liberal in a great many senses of the word and if you’d only stop to listen I could explain all my opinions but ok I guess we’re making this about the Confederacy instead ok whatever jeez louise – are actually real live villains who want poor people to die and like to put children in cages and we all hate anyone who isn’t like us.

They think we are a stereotype.  And it’s not even an accurate stereotype.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been told that I should be able to relate better to a liberal (who I wasn’t having any trouble relating to either by the way) because they’d “gone to a tractor pull and made their own bullets”.  I’ve been told that the only possible example of a movie with a “conservative message” was Top Gun a movie which doesn’t even HAVE a message that I’m aware of.  I’ve been told all other movies other than Top Gun simply had to be liberal in origin because conservatives only care about Jesus and jet fighters.  I’ve been told that conservatives hate cities and only live in the country and that yes, actually, liberals do hate people who live in the country.  I’ve been told again and again in numerous ways how these people see me and it’s as a patently false stereotype – an extremely Christian, extremely militaristic hick who hates cities and art and good food and gay people and loves guns and Twinkies when none of those things are true.

As it’s dawned on them (slowly, so very slowly) that I don’t fit too neatly into their expectations for a person who calls themselves conservative, now they’ve switched gears and are telling me I’m not an “actual” conservative because adjusting their concept of of what a conservative is was too painful for them.  They prefer to continue to believe that the middle of the country is populated by hordes of Bubbas and Beulahs who are living on high fructose corn syrup and hate.  These are very thoughtful, seemingly normal people otherwise.  Yet rather than admit that their stereotypes of “conservative” were possibly incorrect or probably way too narrow (because there are some Bubbas and Beulahs out there, of course there are, although even the most Bubba-y Bubba who ever Bubba-ed is more complicated and 3 dimensional than my liberal peeps would acknowledge) instead they told me that I’m not really a conservative after all.  LOL.

I am a conservative though.  I promise.

I’m telling you folks, the vast majority of liberals have NO CLUE what conservatism is even about.  NO CLUE.  They’re not bad, they’re not stupid, they just don’t know what we’re even about so it makes it very, very, very easy for them to think the worst of us.

That brings me to Juno.  Most people have probably seen Juno by now.  It’s a wonderful story of a winsome and clever girl who gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for adoption rather than have an abortion.  She becomes overly involved with the prospective adoptive parents and the adoptive dad – one of those guys who refuses to leave the sex, drugs, and rock and roll phase of life behind – decides he’s in love with Juno and wants to leave his wife and set up housekeeping with Juno and the new baby.

During the same conversation in which I was informed Top Gun was the pinnacle of conservative filmmaking, someone (who I felt was actually making an effort to understand me) asked me “Well, what do you think of Juno?  On the one hand it has an anti-abortion premise, on the other, it shows teen sex and it has an LGBTQ star!!”  I found it an utterly depressing question.  It shook me, not gonna lie.  Really brought it home to me how deeply liberals believe that conservatives are incapable of being reasonable, incapable of watching fictional situations that don’t completely confirm and verify their priors every second of the entire story.

Even among conservatives, the entire point of fiction is setting up conflicts and then seeing those conflicts get solved in ways that speak to you on an individual level somehow.  Fun fact, if you agree with every person’s behavior in a movie every single frame, you’re not watching a movie, you’re watching propaganda.  Maybe this is why some liberals get so bent out of shape by movies that aren’t balls-to-the-wall PC every second of every day.  Maybe they want propaganda.  IDK.  But personally I don’t need constant conservative rah-rah when I watch a movie, and in fact I think preaching of any flavor, even flavors I like, gets in the way of a good movie.

And no, I don’t care about an actor’s sexual persuasion, actually.  I don’t care a whit if a writer has had a chequered past like Diablo Cody, the writer of Juno has had. (Feminist alert – note how this kind of thing only applies to women! as if anyone thinks Hemingway was sexually pure, LOL.)

Juno is in fact 100 million billion kajillion percent a conservative movie.   The teen sex is not glorified and it has consequences.  The pro-life protester was a relatable character (a young, attractive minority girl who was legitimately caring about the fate of Juno’s baby, rather than an old, white, mean Christian bully stereotype).  The good people in Juno all behave responsibly.  The good people are treated sympathetically even in areas where they may have flaws (for example, it would have been very easy to demonize Jennifer Garner as a shrew who pushed her husband to act badly from her drive to succeed professionally and/or her fertility struggles – and indeed, a “liberal” movie would have done exactly that – would have painted Jason Bateman sympathetically, or even told the story entirely from his viewpoint).

Juno’s dad and stepmother are endearing, caring, and wise even though they’re blue collar (Juno’s dad is an HVAC technician but still was super into learning about Greek myths – which I find more accurately represents what blue collar people are about than assuming we all go to tractor pulls, LOL).  The villain is a person who refuses to grow up, refuses to behave responsibly, is completely self-absorbed and obsessed with coolness, and is willing to screw over his wife and a teenage girl for his own (mostly sexual) gratification.  In the end, the good people are rewarded and who cares what happens to the bad guy, I can’t even remember what happens to him.

It is OBVIOUS to me that Juno is completely and totally a conservative movie.  It’s actually stunning and to be honest, extremely dismaying to me that anyone could watch Juno and ever assume “oh boy I bet the cons HATE this movie.”  It’s depressing how wide a gulf there is between conservative reality and what liberals think they know about conservative reality.  The fundamental problem we have as conservatives is that people do not understand our worldview. We can’t communicate with those who don’t even understand where we’re coming from.

This in no small part because our conservative worldview is at present in flux, being transformed from primarily rooted in religion to being rooted in other ethical philosophies and in real world outcome (more about that another time), and in no small part either because conservatism is a big tent and we’ve got a lot of people with different beliefs within it.  But in not-so-no-small part it’s because we, the everyday normal conservatives, haven’t been good at getting out there and selling ourselves.  We let the people running the Republican movement – both politically and culturally – carry the banner for us and they did a freaking terrible job of it.   And we sat silently by and let them, and what’s worse, we let the liberals in charge of Hollywood and the media define who we are!

Hey, I get it.  I know why.  It’s because we’re busy working and raising families and we don’t have the time or the energy to push back on this 500 foot tsunami of liberal culture that’s been washing over us the last 60 years.  But if people don’t understand our worldview because we never told them what our worldview even was, they’re just gonna fill in the gaps and what they fill the gaps in with is gonna be the vision of us that best serves their interests.  Many liberals, and ALL liberals in position of political and cultural influence, WANT to see conservatives as bad guys because they need a bad guy so they can continue to play the good guy.  Their narrative is that they are The Good Guys and if we aren’t Actually Bad, it undercuts that narrative.  They have a vested interest in keeping us fulfilling the Bad Guy role.  So they’re gonna fight and fight hard to keep us shoved into that Darth Vader costume even though it doesn’t fit and never actually did.

We have GOT to start pushing back, and we’ve got to push back in ways that don’t continue making things worse.  Too often (and I understand the temptation) in attempting to push back, conservatives start to embrace and celebrate the negative stereotype.  Some of us have learned to take delight from being the bad guy.  Some of us troll and insult and offend and trigger.  Some of us have even started to buy into the us vs. them dichotomy and become ever more “US” even though we were never “US” to start out with!  This accomplishes nothing and is simply allowing the liberals to continue defining us in the way that most benefits them.

I am a person who is not into tractor pulls.  I’m not gonna let someone tell me that I am into tractor pulls.  I’m not gonna get sucked into an argument in which I defend the greatness of tractor pulls just because they’re a thing “my side” is supposed to be into!  I’m not gonna get sucked into arguments in which I defend child beauty pageants or Kevin Sorbo movies or calling people “snowflakes” or the shenanigans of Jesse Kelly or saying “cities are cesspools” or the Young Earth Theory or The Noble Cause or Pizzagate or conversion therapy just because those things are supposed to be “my team” or whatever (if you believe in those things, by all means, carry on, but if as a lot of cons do, you find you’re repeatedly getting sucked into arguments in which you’re defending things you really don’t even believe because you think you’re supposed to, just stop.)   I am not gonna continue making things worse because it only makes things worse.  Please, please stop making things exponentially worse because you want to “own the libs”!

Owning the libs is temporary.  Saving America is forever, hopefully.

We’re better than the stereotypes.  By far.  All we have to do to prove it is share our actual conservative beliefs.  The things we really believe are awesome and self-evident, we just gotta let people know what they are.  We don’t have to be assholes, we just have to stay true to the things we actually believe rather than buying into what people who directly profit from us playing the bad guy are telling us we are.

So given that, how DO we push back, anyway?  If I’m saying (and I am) that we shouldn’t go too deep into politics and philosophy because it turns people off, and if I’m saying (and I am) that we can’t go all in on “conservatives pounce ur triggered lulz” either, how do we push back?

Your path may very well be different than mine, but I believe the key is a one-two punch of humanizing those of us on the right while simultaneously illuminating the underpinnings of conservative thought without trolling or preaching.  We have to both convince our opponents that we are not the bad guys, while simultaneously bombarding them with positive, informative, educational examples (both in reality and fiction) of what conservatism really is about rather than leaving them to blindly accept the Hollywood interpretation.

For me, this is doing things like writing articles about sandwiches in which I celebrate how amazing it is that a group of people from many different walks of life have come together in peace and friendship to make a country that while not perfect, is still pretty damn awesome.  For me it’s about writing reviews about movies and TV shows that, like Juno, reflect a conservative worldview WITHOUT being overtly Christian or ridiculously patriotic.  For me, it’s joking around with people who expect conservatives to have no sense of humor and being kind to people who expect conservatives will be cruel to them.  These things work.  I believe I am making inroads with people who are no longer willing to immediately write me off as being Eva Braun Junior just because I have  a different way of looking at the world.  And then when I hit em with the occasional political argument, they’re way more receptive to me than they’d be otherwise.

It takes time, and it takes a willingness to swallow my pride that isn’t always easy, I admit.  This hasn’t been an easy path and I haven’t always lived up to my highest standards in every interaction.  But I do think it’s helping create some paths of understanding in my little corner of the world.

We tend to look at history as a Big Picture.  Big People doing Big Things and making Big Choices that have Big Effects.  But history is made up of billions of people, like you and me.  What we do matters because even though our individual acts may be small, the effect of a billion small acts outweighs even the biggest act of an individual.

We have the power to turn the tide.  Spread the word.

And be good.














Mata Hairy

Mata Hairy

Or, why do conservative men feel such a burning need to tell the world who they would prefer to fuck?

Oh sorry, did I curse?   It’s because I just read this tweet and it irritated me

Screenshot 2019-04-02 at 12.20.01 PM

I’m such a bitch sometimes.  Because that guy is nice!  He is really and truly nice.  I like following him, I like reading what he has to say, and he’s far too nice to deserve some creeptastic Internet rando like me screenshotting his tweet and using it in a thinkpiece.  I would actually love to blank out his name that’s how nice of a guy he is, but I don’t know how to do that.  Fucking technology.  😦 Anyhoo this is something that’s been much on my mind of late and it so perfectly encapsulates a particular mindset being espoused by a large number of conservative men that I just had to use it (and please forgive me, my dude, it’s for the greater good I promise).

Because there is this whole thing lately where conservative men feel the need to share with the world what they find attractive.  I have seen conservative men repeatedly declaring to the world – uninvited and unsolicited – who they would fuck and who they wouldn’t.  No pottymouths, as we’ve already established, and then there was this:

Screenshot 2019-04-02 at 12.40.49 PM

and this

Screenshot 2019-04-26 at 7.54.13 AM

Now, as you may know already Jesse Kelly has a surprising amount of influence on Twitter (I was off Twitter for a year, during which time he went from being a seemingly normal guy I actually joked around with a couple times to some kind of Twitter superstar, which is entirely bizarre) and while his schtick – sort of a funny sexist Neanderthal – is meant as humor and often is quite funny at times, I think it resonates with a lot of conservative guys a little TOO much.  Women – especially conservative women – are meant to be demure, modest, classy, highly accomplished, well dressed (sexy but not too sexy), heels only, no flat shoes, perfectly groomed (and this means BELOW the equator, you know what I’m talking about) moisturized, manicured, and thin.  But they need to do all those things while simultaneously being frugal, sensible, a demon in the sack, and eschewing plastic surgery as well because that is not natural.  BTW could you make us a sammich while you’re at it?  And don’t talk during the sportsball match or you’ll be told to shut up, woman.

Well, that is one hell of a narrow window we’re supposed to hit, now isn’t it, ladies?  It is as if these guys took the absolute worst elements of the liberal media’s overly narrow beauty standards and coupled it with some sort of Hollywood fantasy about the way women acted and behaved during the 40’s and 50’s when in reality they probably did nothing of the sort.  It’s like a fair number of conservative men have totally dropped the idea of honoring and respecting all women regardless of their appearance.  Instead they seem hell-bent on enforcing the impossible-to-achieve and highly sexist beauty standards that liberals have inflicted on women while coupling it with a desire to maintain control over women in an outmoded way that really was in many ways oppressive for women.

(helpful hint: the liberals were right about some stuff)

Something very cruel I’ve witnessed on several different occasions involves the childish shaming of overweight liberal women, usually activists who’ve chosen to appear in the nude publicly for some reason.  Now, would I choose to do that personally, no (never say never, but it would have to be one hell of a point I was making).  Do I choose to look at those type of things voluntarily?  No.  But a lot of conservative men seem to delight in posting these graphic pictures for their conservative buddybois to mock and ridicule, quickly devolving into a race to the bottom with every poster trying to outrude the rest.  It’s disgusting by any metric, but these conservative men are behaving this way in full view of conservative women some of whom also happen to be overweight, or who may become overweight at some point in the future.  How do you suppose that makes them feel?  These are your sisters, wives, daughters; these are your friends, neighbors, coworkers.  These are your comrades in the good fight!  How DARE you go out of your way to declare it to the world, in front of their very faces, that overweight women make ur peepees sad.


I got into it not long ago with some conservative male friends over an issue of Cosmopolitan that had Tess Gallagher on it.


Their whole argument hinged on the fact that Tess Gallagher shouldn’t be on the cover of Cosmo because they didn’t find her attractive.  But where is it written that people on magazine covers have to be attractive??  You know how many people on magazine covers I don’t find attractive?  A lot.  I’ve seen Bradley Cooper on tons of magazine covers and I find his beady sunken eyes, too-narrow lips, weird square peppermint Chiclet teeth, and hatchet-sharp features very unattractive.  George Clooney physically repulses me and I see his smug sallow jowly round head everywhere.  People are on magazine covers for all sorts of reasons other than attractiveness.  This “law of magazine-cover attractive” only seems to apply to women.  You can see Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan on magazine covers.  You can see Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera on magazine covers.  You can see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on magazine covers for cripes’ sake.  Attractiveness is not a prerequisite for being on a magazine cover!  Tess Gallagher, a famous model, has every right to be on a magazine cover regardless of whether or not any given person finds her attractive.

This goes back to the argument about cursing women we started out with.  A lot of men (and it’s not just conservative men, let’s be clear about that) go through life with the unspoken but firmly held conviction that women’s life choices ought to be governed to great extent by what dudes find attractive.  Women’s behavior and appearance should be subject to society’s, and particularly men’s rules of attractiveness at any given point in time, despite the fact that “attractiveness” especially when it comes to women, especially especially when it comes to women in this shallow modern world in which we dwell, is a capricious and cruel master, largely dependent on the winning of a genetic lottery, and carefully calculated to sell shit to people.

And punishing real live women for lies that global multi-national corporations told you, my dudes, is stone cold bullshittery.

One of the most fundamental parts of my personal conservatism is the idea that all human life has intrinsic value and worth.  Babies in the womb have intrinsic value and worth.  Handicapped children have intrinsic value and worth.   People who are terminally ill have intrinsic value and worth.  And yes, believe it or not, women who are less attractive than other women also have intrinsic value and worth.

You know why I’m pissed at you, Jesse Kelly, and all your ilk?  It’s not because you don’t think I’m attractive.  It’s because YOU’RE NOT ACTING LIKE CONSERVATIVES.  It is no fucking wonder liberals roll their eyes about conservatives being “pro-life” when they see you act like porcine hooligans towards your fellow human beings because they have more junk in the trunk than you personally happen to prefer.  You’re betraying the most fundamental precept of conservatism – the right to life – so you can remind the world that sometimes you have boners.


One of my things is that I have hairy armpits.  (If you look close you can see it in my avatar.)  I started this little experiment for my husband because he was into it.  That’s a mondo conservative dealio – a wife doing something for her husband because he’s into it, right??  Then it turned out once I tried it, I actually preferred it.  I have sensitive skin and the ability to go through my day without my armpits being in constant pain was a revelation (and I am not exaggerating about that, either – imagine a raging and non-stop case of the worst razor burn you ever got, in your pits 24-7).  I didn’t even know how much it bothered me until it wasn’t bothering me any more.  Because I’m a conservative I believe in personal freedom and the ability to make one’s own choices as long as they don’t hurt anyone else, and I PROMISE no one is hurt by the presence or absence of hair in my pits.  My right to swing my armpit hair ends at the other guy’s face, not his line of sight.

Body hair or lack thereof is not a political issue, it’e a personal choice.  Body hair is NOT a liberal-conservative issue!  It really isn’t, I promise.

There’s a model named Sofia Hadjipanteli who has really super hairy eyebrows that she doesn’t pluck.  I think this is pretty freaking clever of her; after all there gotta be a kajillion girls trying to make it in the Instagram game, why not capitalize on something that makes you stand out?


Personally I think she’s stunningly gorgeous.  I mean really, is this type of eyebrow any better?


A few weeks ago the Jesse Kelly Branch of the He-Men Women Haters Society got hold of a news story about Sofia Hadjipanteli and started ragging on her ruthlessly because, you guessed it, they don’t find her attractive.  And it’s SO STUPID because this chick is a conservative icon, or she should be in a better world.  She took a look around her, sized up the competition, thought “what do I have that no one else does”, saw a spectacular set of eyebrows and thought “I’m gonna roll with what God has given me.”  Sofia Hadjipanteli is pretty much a walking breathing ideal of free market success and yet a good chunk of conservative men felt fully entitled to scream at the sky “DO NOT WANT” on behalf of their penises when they should have been fighting for the honor of this lovely and damn clever young woman.

Remember that whole thing where conservatives are gentlemen, gentlemen??  Remember how unfair it is when liberals act like conservative men are a bunch of depraved hooting frat boys because as we all know conservative men take care of women, they protect and elevate them, they put them on pedestals, they don’t objectify and treat women like disposable sex objects like liberal guys do.

Except for the women who don’t fit this incredibly narrow definition of the word “attractive” that was mostly invented by the Hollywood whose shallow, hollow, debauched values we purport to hate, right?  Then it’s game on I guess.

In the interest of full disclosure let it be known I rock a pretty substantial set of brows myself and I always resisted the temptation to pluck them even when my friends would sweetly tell me “but maybe just clean them up a little around the edges why don’t you” because I think they’re kind of my best feature.  (There’s actually quite a lot more brow there in the middle that wasn’t picked up by the camera.) I also have a cold sore in this pic, I was way overdue for a tooth whitening treatment, I was not wearing heels, and I have a messy house.  Not the ideal woman according to the Jesse Kelly Gang to be sure.


And none of it matters because in the words of Amy Schumer, “I can catch a dick whenever I want.”  It’s true.  Despite being old, heavily-eyebrowed AND armpit-behaired, and fat (my girth hidden strategically behind a Poultry Farm sign) if my husband keeled over dead tomorrow God forbid, after a suitable mourning period I don’t think I’d lack for companionship.  Because that’s the way it’s supposed to work, dudes.  Men are not supposed to be going through the world all choosy like choosy moms choosing Jif or something.  Men are supposed to navigate the world of women like Terminator, lurching along till the words “Presence of Vagina Confirmed” flash red on the screen and then going in to chat up the lady attached to the vagina in question to see if they hit it off.

All this shit that is supposedly supposed to be soooo important to being “feminine” in the way that many conservative men are very publicly defining it lately – wearing heels (I never wear heels, another personal choice that hurts no one, least of all Jesse Kelly, and has zero to do with politics and a lot more to do with not caring to be in pain constantly), being super fit and waif thin, having a great manicure, always wearing makeup, rubbing ourselves with thousands of dollars of goo trying to stave off the ravages of aging ever so slightly, not wearing eyeglasses (that is the fucking weirdest, Jesse Kelly) and manipulating their body hair – even the stuff no one ever sees – in highly painful ways like YANKING IT OUT BY THE ROOTS BY HAVING A STRANGER SMEAR HOT WAX ON YOUR PRIVATE PARTS FFS – that is not normal.  No women ever in human history have had to do all this stuff that gals nowadays are supposed to HAVE to do to be seen as a “real” woman.

Some beautification is normal and fun.  We like it, gents, and we like doing it for you.  We like you to take a nice long look and we like for you to like what you see.  But you’ve set us up to fail by asking too much.  What is being demanded of women in terms of beauty – even just to be considered barely adequate – here in 2019 is completely excessive.  At least liberal men kind of pretend to see through it all.  Conservative men on the other hand, many of them, have decided to view it as a moral failing if a woman declines to chase the beauty dragon to the nth degree.  A healthy chunk of conservative men have apparently decided they’re entitled to rest their glorious manly eyeballs upon nobody but the prettiest of pretty pretty princesses even if the princesses are in constant pain, starvingly hungry, and miserably wasting millions of dollars on beauty products.  It’s not normal!  This stuff is NOT organic.  It’s not innate.  It’s totally coming from external influences – Hollywood, the media – and conservatives, we don’t even LIKE those guys!!  Why are you buying into this shit that they’re selling hook, line, and sinker?

It’s stupid and more than that, it’s beneath you.  You’re better than that.

So if you see a girl online and you think she’s repulsive and she makes your peenie shrivel up into a fetal position and sob, I’m sorry you had to endure that terrible affront.  I would never want to force you into sexing up someone you didn’t wanna sex up.  No one is saying you have to think every girl you encounter is Hot Tamales.  But you don’t need to then crawl up to the highest point you can find on the Internet to scream from the rooftops to everyone, “Hey!!!  Now that I have your attention, I’d just like to let everyone know that I would not ever fuck this chick because she’s gross in several ways that I would now like to elucidate over the course of several dozen tweets and I’d like to open up the floor to any other guys out there who would also like to tell the world how they would never ever fuck this girl and what their reasons for that are.”  Because it’s not only mean to the girl, it’s also mean to all the other girls out there who happen to share those physical characteristics which they cannot change.

At least the guy bitching about swearing women being unattractive was attacking a behavior he disliked and not an unchangeable characteristic of who someone is.

But don’t do that either.  Whether or not something is “attractive” to you is not ever grounds for criticizing a woman.  Because women have a right to exist in the world independent of whether any given man finds them “attractive” or not.  And we don’t necessarily want to hear about your opinion on the topic any more than you probably want to hear about how unattractive we find it when you burp and remark in amazement, “That totally smelled like Doritos, but I didn’t even EAT Doritos!!”

It’s enough to make a girl want to swear a blue streak.